One More Time

Hopefully this coming Tuesday everything will go well with the reconstruction surgery. Having already gone through several in these past few months this one coming up will be the longest. I don't know why I worry about the little stuff, I haven't seemed to get it out of my system as yet. I shouldn't have to worry about my parents, but I do. They will be the ones who will have to do everything after I get home from the hospital. I feel bad because it has really taken a toll on them both with me having gone through so much already and being home and not being much of a help.

Sometimes we argue over the stupidest things when under the influence of chemo drugs. I have noticed as time goes on and the stuff is not as heavy in my blood, the difference is remarkable. Amazing how chemicals can affect a persons body and mind as well. It kills so much that is fast growing that I wonder if it let in evil and destroyed the good. But the soul should not have been affected at all. I think in a different way it has by being taken over by the illness that has made the body physically weak and where once the desire and drive to know more of God and all that pertains to HIS life has taken a back seat due to lack of being able to read or do much else for that matter.

I know when I was going through so much the struggle to walk was difficult because of always being short of breath when going short distances. I think because of having been so ill that I lost part of something wonderful when I couldn't focus on much. This whole year has been a trial and an eye opener. I sometimes see myself as not a good person and I always seek improvement. I strive very hard to be good and I seem to fail at it miserably. At least on those occasions when I get to go to confession then I feel rejuvenated and set free.

Sometimes my thoughts go into overdrive and I wonder why I can't seem to say the right things or do the right thing at the right moment. Or let anger take control when I am not in control of myself. At those times I have found prayer eludes me, yet my conscience truly goes into high gear. I think at those times it becomes a never ending battle. I often wonder how Jesus would handle things and I have to remind myself that he too had gotten angry, maybe for not the same reasons and that's when I have to remember the difference and remind myself I am human and make mistakes. I cannot say there is a justifiable reason for loosing control of oneself even when under the influence of sickness. That would be like driving a car and loosing control and saying it's okay for hitting that person when not in control of your vehicle. Sometimes and maybe too many times we all make excuses for what happens in our life and fail to take the blame for it. I know in my heart that many times I am to blame and I will admit it. I try very hard to not invite excuses into the way I act or do things in life.

I will admit that I do put off doing things until the last moment and I try to not do that. I think that's why this blog is not going too far. Besides it mostly is a journal of sorts about my faith, life and what I have witnessed. Except, since I have been undergoing much with breast cancer it kinda became a source for me to vent in a way. I try not to vent about what bothers me and even then I fail to recognize it when I do it. I don't try to be negative about issues but see the positive about it all. I do apologize if I have made people uncomfortable with this blog and writing about my feelings and hurts.

Quiet Times

It's been quiet lately around here. Quiet in the way of spiritual quietness. I should have been prepared and known that usually happens after receiving words. There always seems to be a quiet time afterwards.

I have been thinking about a time that occurred at an old job when I saw a round bright light on dock number 11 inside a building that had no windows from the direction it was shinning from. I was the only one who saw this even when I asked Denis if he saw it, he didn't. Unfortunately I didn't write down the date, if it was before or after 9/11. All I can recall of seeing that particular bright light was being in awe. I seem to have thought I may have seen it two weeks before or two weeks afterward and why I don't know for certain. Back then I didn't write down somethings but committed it to memory. This is one time I truly wish I wrote it down. It wouldn't have made a difference I suppose. But now I wonder if there was another purpose about it altogether and one day I will come to understand why. But somehow I seem to think it was two weeks afterward that appearance happened.

God has his reasons for everything and the why of it and it will be revealed in his own time and not mine. Sometimes he gives us something to encourage us not knowing the reason why, and keeping our faith helps us along the way. I know I have made many mistakes, and also have been extremely negative about myself when it all began. It was a difficult time for me then and then two years later in 2003 life truly began in a very special way.

Pondering

My last post I mentioned words that had me thinking. So I took time to dwell upon them to discover why I received them. I was thinking of my upcoming infusion which will be my last one and then the following weeks after it. When I see my doctor toward the end of the month I will find out when I go back to work. I was then wondering if that wasn't was the words were all about. Getting myself ready to go back to work by getting up earlier and getting myself prepared for the day.

It may be quite possible that is what the meaning of the words were for, I don't see any other reason why for them. I know it will be difficult getting back into the swing of things with work, I just hope I am not as tired as I have been during the treatments. Becoming a survivor of breast cancer will have a new meaning and then a new way of living.

These past few months have been a huge burden on my parents, they both have gone out of their way to take care of meals and so much more while I recover. They are saints by a long shot before I will ever be one. I have been terrible at times because of the changes in mood from the chemicals. Those are the times I would have longed to have more patience, more love to give and less of my own personal lip service. Such as when the taste buds are gone, the mouth opens and the words are instant, the food tastes terrible, what happened to it, without thought about the drugs that are doing the whole business. Someday I may look back and laugh or cry like a beggar at this time period.

More than anything I place myself to blame for any hardship that occurs or any wrong, not because I want to it just seems to be a habit I got myself into and I don't even know when that even started. Well I guess this time is as good a time as any to mend what may be broken and correct those flaws that mar the way to Jesus and our Heavenly Father. If I can't be honest about myself then I might as well not write then. What I truly enjoy is doing the rosary with my parents as a family even more so now than before. Because I choose Jesus to be part of my life then I do the rosary to bring him closer through His mother.

Battlefield of the Mind

Sitting here pondering why so much seems to be happening around the world and in our own lives. It's hard to fathom at times why some suffer so terribly and others go through things with ease. Like why do some loose their homes and belongings from disasters and others not. Just like when people get ill and others do not. Or why some get taken advantage of at work and others do not. So many questions without answers, yet God gave us life to live doing his will.

I think some of the questions that plague me are because of the issues I have to deal with in my own life. With a body that is going through some turmoil and wondering why and then praying that trust in Jesus does not fall apart or cave in but grows stronger. Each day I ask my parents to do the rosary in the evening as an aid to faith and to pray for the world and our priests.

I have come to a realization about life and what I thought was good about a place but have found it is not and I should have trusted those instincts in the first place. I have been discovering lately that is something I have failed to do, is trust in what I was given. I want to cry right now because I have wasted time and not done God's will as I should have. I have kept to myself something wonderful and only shared it when it seemed appropriate or when the moment was right. Now as I look back in a good way, maybe I too needed to learn and grow and understand better the truth of what occurred. To see in different light a new way in what is there.

The ache in my heart about this I can only forgive myself. When life invade and things went in a different direction than what it should have, I should have known that I was then on the wrong path when nothing seemed to go right. Sitting here and thinking about all this and how much God has done and how much I truly love him and yet I hurt him by failing miserably by not living my life the way he seeks of me. If I am wrong in my thinking then I pray that God will bring conversion to my soul my thoughts and my prayers. I offer up these sufferings for the souls in purgatory.

Storms

We are getting ready to receive the remnants of an oncoming Hurricane pretty soon. Being prepared in the way of putting things away that could become missiles and cause damage to windows. Getting water into containers for drinking in case of power loss. Then it's water to flush the toilet when you have well water and no way to obtain it other that with a bucket. Preparedness is tantamount to survival when we are surmounted by storms.

That isn't the only way we should be prepared either, we should have our souls prepared as well. Going to confession to cleanse our hearts and souls of any clutter or sin that keeps us away from God. Using daily prayer and thanksgiving for what we receive and give to others out of love. Prayer to overcome the storms that ravage our life when we are ill or going through some other issues that threaten to overwhelm our hearts and take it away from God. It's needing to keep our thoughts always perpetually on HIM and HIS Son Jesus. Being prepared makes a big difference in how we see life at times and how quickly we overcome those obstacles.

Just like the storm that is threatening the seacoast at this time, will we sink, swim or survive without a problem. Remember Peter when he attempted to walk to Jesus on water and slowly went down out of his fear. Trust in Jesus and he will see us through the rough spots.

Why The Doubts?

Yesterday was a tough day being assailed by doubts after the treatments. You would think I would be used to it by now but I am not. These doubts come from the medicine that invade my body and it does something to me that is unexplainable. Like tiredness, pain in the back and then how it affects the thinking, that becomes distorted and painful. Being honest regarding what is taking place is not easy to reveal when it comes to health issues and the treatments that are received.

So again last evening I spoke with my Mom and Dad and found comfort and solace amid the pain my doubts were causing me. I asked to do a Rosary for assistance with these doubts and my mom had a thought come to her about praying for others during the rosary. I mentioned that Jesus does tell us to ask for prayer for ourselves as well. How else then are we to obtain assistance at times of trial if no one knows of our suffering. They will not be able to pray if they do not know in the first place. I know that these doubts may continue to assail me as the drugs continue doing what they do and that is rid the body of any rogue cells that may have invaded it. I am grateful for this treatment, but not the doubts of faith, of life, of so much more.

Then I had this notion of changing my blog template and that kinda went out the window as well since I am not too good at some of these things. More or less I don't have the imagination to make a nice blog page that would be appealing to others. But then again if the content was something good to read about that may help too. But as those doubts seem to come at times, I also know deep in my heart that God's Will will prevail no matter what and he will do what has to be done for all of us not just me or you or the next person.

That Time Again

The last two days have been treatment and ultrasound for something else which came out good. Had my injection yesterday after the ultrasound which happened while the earthquake was going on. Felt that much more being on a higher floor, I had asked the techinician if it was the trains passing by she thought so but then neither of us was sure since it lasted quite awhile. There was no fear at the time because we didn't know being in a room and not really having any outside people make comments.

Anyway it has been quite the time of it. I have noticed after the chemotherapy and injection the next day, I have been getting tired and all I can do is put my trust in Jesus to keep me going strong. When I go for my chemotherapy infusion I have been using my prayer shawl to keep my spirits up and my faith present and warm as the room is very cold as well. Once the anti nausea meds I am taking are past then the next phase of nausea I don't look forward to and the different meds that will assist. One thing for sure I am glad that some people go through this without a hitch and can continue their life without a problem. I am one of the lucky ones that have some of the problems but that is par for the course with other issues.

I think that is why faith is a major part in any illness we have that helps us to have the strength to endure pain and suffering and offer it up to God to keep us from falling apart or giving up completely as some have done without faith. I will not mention the many things that can cause stress as well. That too is up to God and his awesome son Jesus and the beautiful intercesion of our Blessed Mother as well. Always need to pray to her for her constant love and protection from the forces of evil that can barrage the soul when we are sometimes down and uncertain of things that go on in life. She will provide strength when asked from the heart for it.

Mundane stuff

What can I say about the lack of post other than nothing exciting has been going on. Besides faith being on the front burner of life, so far everything else is running it's course. Have been doing some research regarding the breast cancer and found a wonderful website regarding foods. Amazing to find that a majority of some of the ones we eat here are on the not to eat list as they are the ones that would cause a re-occurence of the cancer down the line. So again it is time to modify the diet and foods that I eat. It is a very good thing then that I did the research!

Still have the rash on my head with one or two areas that are painful to the touch, but not enough to call the doctor on according to the nurse. It has to be very bad indeed to call them regarding any symptoms or side effects even when the paper states to inform the doctor, just don't call them back about it unless it is very bad ore or less. Understandable, considering after my first treatment I must have called them too many times but it was a very good thing indeed since my white count all but dropped to nothing, not a good thing then.

Anyway, so much for my itty bitty issues, today is the feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, a day she went to heaven to be with our Heavenly Father. It was odd today that the lights flashed a few times in the house for no apparent reason, so I figure our blessed Mother is watching over us and letting us know. Thank you blessed Mother!! Most of all thank you for saying "YES" to God about being the mother of Jesus.

Tragedies

One of my co-workers just lost her son in a tragic motorcycle accident, he was only 25 years old. But her recent loss also included a loss of a father in the last three weeks, her husbands mother in recent months and also an aunt. When we think we are having rough days or problems that may be too much to handle, there is always someone out there who hurts more than we do. I always remind myself of this when I feel like I can't handle anymore. Today though brought it home even more so.

She is a devout person and worships God and I can't even imagine how she is holding up with all the loss that has hit her family. But when we love God he gives us the strength to carry on and do what we have to in order to survive the hardships and all the good that goes with life. I went to the wake and met up with some of my co-workers that I haven't seen in a while. They all look great. I saw how they are the backbone for my co-worker, their support is tremendous.

Life is never easy for anyone even those who were born with so called silver spoons, even they have troubles that many don't see. They too may have lost family in tragedies or have earth shattering problems that cannot be controlled. No matter what circumstances we are in via health, wealth, poverty, or other means we all dress and walk the same. Just some follow a better path in the way of faith and keep their lives clean and holy.

God, I believe intended for us to all live holy lives and to be what he called us to be, his disciples in Christ. To follow his son and love on another as we should be. Not putting on airs or judging one another but being honest and true.

Small Steps

Ever feel like life is playing tricks on you? I do at times, not because I want to but because of the circumstances of the occurances that surround the situation. I thought things were going okay after the treatment but now I have found some issues that have happened where I ended up having to call the doctors office to speak with the nurse regarding these issues.

I didn't realize that I am ending up having a tougher time than some others. But then again I have to realize I also have other issues that don't help either. On those days I try very hard to see God in the whole of it all and ask Him to take away the pain, the aches, the headaches, you name it and it might be there. Anyway, God is very good and will not give more than we can handle even the illness itself. Maybe I am wrong about that part, but I have to remember that none of this is asked for to begin with and that this is a cross that I have to carry and somehow conquer.

I am grateful to have these illnesses in order to make my faith even stronger and for me to see that there are people in the world who do care about what I am going thru. The people I work with, my family, my extended family with the Dominican Laity and the people of my Parish and those who come across this blog and read it. Everyone is special. I am discovering that I once thought I was good at something only to find I wasn't. After awhile I began to see how far I am behind in learning the faith and truly understanding and knowing it with ease. I have begun to wonder if perhaps I am one of those who are not of good soil but one of the others, then I think, if that were the case then I would falter so much and go off on a tangent and give up that there would be no faith at all. I have come to see that faith is a daily thing and I keep at it constantly. Just like taking blood sugar levels to maintain good blood sugar it takes work.

I do know that I do love God more than anything even when I feel rotten and uncertain, at least that part I know is a constant.

Don't Know Anymore

The other day when I went for my appointment I also obtained a possible return to work date as well. The doctors office wrote out a doctors note regarding this, so when I went to work and dropped it off, I'm not sure what to make of things. They were happy to see me but when I went to the HR and gave the note, I was looked at by this person in such a way that made me leery of her. She could not look me in the eye while talking, apologized for not returning my email. So I gave her a way out and blamed it on lots of work.

Today, I had a call from the social worker with oncology and I asked her a question regarding one of the treatments I will be getting, it may cause heart damage and she suggested I call the triage nurse and ask them. So I did, and I just received a call from the doctor regarding this issue. She will be changing the regimen with a different drug and it will be every three weeks instead and possibly up to six treatments rather than eight. I know originally she had mentioned when I first met her I would have 4 treatments every three weeks. I don't recall the drugs she may have mentioned, well anyway, she will be looking into why things were changed and was glad I questioned things regarding what damage may be done or not taking the drug. She reassured me that I will be okay.

I have had a chance to go through much of my stuff and clean out the junk. I didn't realize how bad things were until I began to tackle it. So much wasted time and space all because I was afraid to handle problems after loosing a job. Again this cancer seems to have brought about a change possibly for the better. Now it is putting it into practice and learning to forgive myself and others for situations that are beyond what is deemed normal. I pray to Jesus for the constant strength to get through each day and each rough spot that I encounter. I also have learned to not be afraid to speak with the doctors regarding my care. A problem I noticed that I never did speak candidly before with them. I am grateful for this time and for all the prayers that many are saying on my behalf. I don't get to visit others sites and read their loving words about our Lord and Blessed Mother as much as I would like. Those places are a balm for the soul and I have stayed away from them for fear that they would read what I write and think I was an evil person myself. Stupid thought! I am human and I hurt just like everyone else does.

Jesus too, hurt when he was alive. He took insults from others, he took a beating and was hung upon a cross to free us from our sins. Thank you Jesus for what you did, not just for me but for the whole world.

Upcoming

It's been a whirlwind day today, went to my first meeting with the Nurse Practitioner regarding the upcoming chemotherapy treatments. I found out that I will be having eight treatments done in 2 week intervals. The first four with 2 different drugs and then the next four with one drug. It was quite day learning about side effects, reactions and what to do when they occur. Basically everything regarding the treatments from anti nausea stuff to the actual treatment.

My first one will be next week and I pray that all will go well with it too. One thing I have to remind myself, I didn't ask for this to happen to me but on the other hand I have accepted my cross and realize that God will take care of what needs to be taken care of regarding my health and wellbeing. In a good way it has enabled me to take better care of my other illnesses and not take them for granted. Being more vigilant and pro-active regarding better sugar control and healthier life style for better heart health or to take better care of what I do have.

I would surmise that this cross is a way of finding stronger faith and finding out strength in other areas of life. When the chips fall and moods fail to lift up the soul, then prayer is always an aid that proves to be a worthy source of comfort along with Gods Word. It never fails to provide comfort when reading the Bible to bring us closer to God. Those moments help to keep the moods from falling deeper into the pit of despair. I always remind myself that God is love beyond compare.

Wacky Days

It's been a tough few weeks but each day gets a bit better. We are changing at work and I will be working on my days off this week which will make time even longer. Pray for me to keep up the strength as we begin to train for the new changes that we are undertaking.

It's also been a long week in another way as well. I related that my Aunt was ill and was going to be taken off life support, she was last weekend and now she finally passed away late this morning. My she rest in peace! If I thought I had it tough, my Uncle and cousin had it more so by sitting by her side day and night keeping her company even though she could not speak. Our prayers have been with them throughout the time for strength, peace and support.

I haven't thought much about any upcoming treatments as my thoughts have been with them as they should be. Just like our thoughts should be on God all the time. It seems as if there is sadness in the air these days, possibly due to the lack of sunshine and the constant drizzle and overcast skies. But even though it rains we still need it.

I have seen these past years the removal of trees to be used as fuel for a stove for a house up the street. I have watched a wooded area now become a field. One would think that by using wood as a resource for fuel they would plant more trees to grow as the area soon gets cleared, so that by the time they clear a whole area by then the other trees will have had time to grow to become new wood for another time but also to aid in keeping the air clean. I don't know why I thought about that today, but it seems that one of the resources people use they don't replace at all. One day there will be no more trees.

Back to Blogging

In the past two months I've seen changes happening in and around my life. Some were heavy duty trials of faith prior to making final promise. What I have noticed after making final promise was the ceasing or should I say the lesser amount of stabs from the evil one. When people have mentioned before they make that final step, they have relayed to me how tested they were before. In this regard I can actually say it's true. I had written of a moment such as that test before, a test of faith.

Just as there are tests of faith so are there consolations as well. There have been many in the past few months along with thanking and praising God for the gift he gives to strengthen on the journey. Moments that I found helpful as I went in search of another vehicle. Between scripture and understanding it brought about the most delightful moments while waiting in the breeze on a hot day. A moment that I found enlightening and one that spurred me on to the next location until finally I reached a destination of being where I belonged.

I was in search of a vehicle that would be either gold or blue in color, but divine providence provided a white one instead. Everything went so smoothly from that point on, I was amazed at how it all worked out. Anyway, after being without a vehicle for about a month, which at the time had aided in the care of my dad while my mom was in rehab, to having my brothers car for a brief time, which I am extremely grateful for what he did for me. In this sense he did for the least of his sister (brother-scripture wise).

I found in the past few days among the flury of activity time to give back to God. I received my car on thursday, so on friday I went and had it blessed. It gave me the opportunity to take some needed time for my own relaxation as well. I think along this journey in the past few months I have found a deeper spiritual understanding. What I love most of all is seeing God's hand in every aspect of my life and what he gives and doesn't give. It's taking those moments and being grateful for his blessing. It enables me to seek to know and understand Him better. I want to know what pleases Him as well as what displeases Him and I am finding that out in my life. An awesome journey to be sure.

I did have a brief moment when I saw the blog enabled design and tried it out, checked most of what was offered and found the one I have suited so much better. At least I tried them to see what was there. Same as the cars in a way, test drive, check them out and then make the choice that is right.

Life and Death

There was a moment after communion on Saturday where the words preparing for my death came to mind. I had no clue why they came to mind as I was praying about abandonment to God's Will. I don't think it had anything to do with preparing for physical death, but then again, it felt that way yesterday. I think it was mostly about preparing for death on a different level. Taking stock of what goes on in and around my life and what may keep me away from the Beloved. How does one truly prepare?

I've had sometime to really let this thought sink in and mull over. In a way those words were placed there to allow me to think on a higher level. Those who are given the knowledge of a time frame before they die have the opportunity to, if they have the capacity to do so, to place their affairs in order. More or less make arrangements to put their house in order. I don't know how else to put it. Possibly to mend relationships as well before they leave this earthly plane. There was a lot to think about! Since death is something that we all deal with daily, maybe not for everybody, but for those who work in the field of being in contact with the dying or with families of those who are. They too go through a preparation as well, readying themselves for the loss of a loved one. Then, there is those who are unaware and are confronted with untimely deaths, the shock, the sorrow, the hurt and pain and often unforgivness for the senseless loss of life. No one is ever truly prepared then.

In light of this preparation for the end of life, how do we go about preparing to live? Do we just do? Is it natural to just live and be? How do we prepare while living to die to ourselves and live for God. Do we prepare daily to die to our selfish needs and those bad habits that we have placed in our lives and serve others while placing their needs above our own? There are many ways to die to ourselves in what we have made more important in our lives than God. It's looking deeply at what we do each day that places us farther away from the love of God. What type of preparations do we make for the rest of our lives? Like the seasons we see around us, in our Liturgy, and in the change of weather, there is constant preparation. We prepare each day for work, for school, for so much more how we take it all for granted without realizing how simple it is to prepare our hearts to love God so much more, are you ready?

Branching Out

For the longest time I have avoided truly reading about the lives of the Saints out of fear of what I was going to read and understand. Maybe I should have done so sooner, yet, the impact would not have been the same. I don't think I was ready to encounter reading the beauty of God's grace in their lives and see the mirror of mine in theirs. Possibly it's a greater understanding of how truly magnificent God works in our lives. I already know this without reading about it, but to learn about them one must also read about them too. I probably don't make sense about my own reasoning why I kept putting off reading about the Saints. One thing had to do with what I was experiencing, and yet it was mentioned to me that I could also find understanding in how they dealt with God's grace in their lives. I think I didn't want to place myself in their sphere, they were exalted and worthy and I am not. Flawed I am, worthy I may be, but it is a work in progress that continues to shape my life and faith. God hasn't given up on me and I won't either.

Life

It's wonderful to come across people who have been touched by our Lord in unique ways. I am awed when I encounter anothers vision. A gentleman showed me a picture he took of a sunset that remarkably had an image of the same face of Veronicas veil. When I stopped in the Church at the place I was at for a retreat the same picture was up by the altar for veneration. Yet, this man also has this picture given to him coming from the sky in the sunset.



I was also able to share the pictures I took, the brief power point show that is not finished. I have discovered that I don't quite have the talent to put together a visual showing. Is there anyone out there that could help me. That is my first call for help. I have gone so long in life doing so much on my own without burdening anyone and now I have a difficult time asking for needed help. I can at least write it anyway even if it doesn't happen. Not being negative either, just realistic. I'll never be ashamed of loving God, but I am ashamed at times to reveal where I work, and this came about when another person asked me where I worked. For once in my life I have been truly ashamed of the place I work. But then again, maybe they are ashamed of me too because of my deep love for God.

One thing I do know about myself is I am wrong on many occasions about many things. Learning about life can be difficult at best. Learning about love isn't so hard. I think through it all I have learned that life can beat you up, but God's love is unfailing.

Budding Into Life

This lovely tree is placed outside the windows at work,so one day I took a picture of it. It has pretty much looked this way all winter long, with what looks like buds on the tips of the branches. Poised as if awaiting the arrival of spring. But this is proof that God's Word is truth as it is said in: Luke 21:29-35, And he spoke to them in a similitude. See the fig tree, and all the trees: 30 When they now shoot forth their fruit, you know that summer is nigh;
31 So you also, when you shall see these things come to pass, know that the kingdom of God is at hand. 32 Amen, I say to you, this generation shall not pass away, till all things be fulfilled. 33 Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. 34 And take heed to yourselves, lest perhaps your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting and drunkenness, and the cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly. 35 For as a snare shall it come upon all that sit upon the face of the whole earth.

How often does the Word of God speak loudly to a heart, yet these words touched mine in the very depth. The Truth sets us free doesn't it, and the the Truth is Jesus and he paid the price to free us. I know my bondage and he set me free of it by giving me His Love. A new springtime was born in my heart gazing and pondering the tree with perpetual buds. Moments in time to reflect upon the growth of faith as it blossoms anew, born by love and fed by the waters of life.

Warmth

Not much has been going on besides work the past few days. I haven't even had the urge or inkling to write. Like a dry spell. Mostly it's been the time of resting in the palm of God's hand. Just listening and being with Him.

The last few days actually have been extraordinary ones. On Saturday something happened to me at work that caused me to become extremely cold. I am so proud of the people I work with for their concern and how quickly they came to take care of me in a moment of distress. I was scared myself of what happened, it was the weirdest thing to be that cold in a room that was above 75 degrees in temperature and to be wrapped up in a shawl to boot. It was an eye opener for sure. Anyway, I am grateful that Karin rubbed warmth when I felt like a frozen popsicle, that Hildy brought tea and Mary gave me her shawl.

These women have done what Jesus asks of each of us. To care, to feed, to cloth those in need. They don't realize as I do what they did. How often in life do we do this for the least of our brothers we do it for Jesus. What they did for me on Saturday, no one else did when I was at my lowest. I never found it anywhere not even in my Parish community. Odd that we are Catholics and or Christians yet it never was seen .

Life

Last night was the wake for Roger, he looked so peaceful. I found out what it means to embrace death in how he chose to live out the remainder of his life. Jackie took care of him for four months when he went through chemotherapy. We she told me he researched leukemia and saw that treatment only prolonged life for a short while, he chose not to go that route. Instead he chose to live the remainder of his life filled with quality rather than living with sickness from treatments. Amazingly when confronted with a teminal illness and you know that life will end the choices that patient go through to live out the remainder of life. Yet many seek healing and continually look for that all time miracle to continue life without pain or suffering. Because of how he chose to live the remainder, the course of M6 leukemia was swifter. I have to give him credit to spend the remainder of time living life as if there was no end.

Roger was my age and single so his choice was to go in dignity, I once mentioned to him that he should have been a priest. But he chose to build his business instead which took so very much of his time. But the result ended with a home he built up in the mountains. Did he live life, of course he did. I was looking at the pictures they had of him growing up and I was struck by two of them. One was lighting the Easter Candle at Church and the Cross he wore around his neck. He is going to missed by family and friends.

Isn't this how we are to learn about life and death. How to sacrifice. Understanding there is nothing to fear but fear itself. And life does go on.