Unexplainable

I posted  the above saying on October 19, 2014 after 7 am. It didn't dawn on me at all until much later in the day what had occured on my walk in the second picture. In the distance there a brook that branches in two directions below an old railroad tressel. As I was walking the dogs that morning about where I was standing when I took this picture, in the distance up on the tressel i saw a figure in bright white that moved to the right and lost from sight. It wasn't a short coat type of look but a full length one and very bright. Anyway, i didn't think much about it except when I took the dogs for a walk again later and when i looked again it was as if the trees obscured the area to where I saw this white figure, no clear way to see. Later I looked back at my facebook post and I had a wow moment and realized how God does do something spectacular for us to say exactly what the first picture says, "I Know that was you God, Thank you"

Pain

When a person is under the influence of pain there isn't much they want to do, at least for me that is true. I must say that healing is going very well at this time. The open wound has been steadily getting smaller for the past three to four weeks. What an improvement since the end of October of 2011, praise God for that. I haven't felt much like writing or even being on the internet in the past few weeks, even though I thought I would be back, I found myself basically contemplating about many things. Most of all I have enjoyed my dogs companionship when I haven't felt well. The pooch sensed when I was out of sorts and hurting more than usual he would stay even closer.

That reminded me of how much God and Jesus are truly close to us when we seem far away and out of sync because of illness. I began contemplating this closeness in a different way and found my prayers had also changed with this as well. It's as if I was discovering something new about how to pray. I also began to understand that everything happens in Gods time and not ours. When he wants things to be acomplished he makes it happen, not when we try to force the issue. I feel like I was recharged spiritually with this illness and this paticular time period. Maybe that is what I needed to learn with this illness. To discover a new depth of contemplation along with understanding how much God truly loves us all.

A Dog's Love

I have been sleeping in a chair recliner since I've been home from the hospital. I have placed my laptop on a tv tray for easier use and comfort. Unfortunately as I have found out since being home and in this type of arrangement makes it nice for my dog to occupy most to all of my time.

He has taken every opportunity to lay on my lap while I'm reclining and or sitting. Talk about a dogs love! After being gone for more than a month I think he is making up for lost time. I love it! Except it also stops me from sitting and using the laptop on the tv tray so my time has been on when he is outside or playing with the other dog. Which he does his business fast enough to get back inside and back on my lap.

So my dream of getting back to writing was short lived for the time being. I have to put it this way, the dog knows better than I do the rest that I need and I suppose that is a good thing. No wonder God gave us pets to watch over us just as he gave us guardian angels to watch over and keep us safe at all times. I am forever grateful to God and Jesus for always keeping a close eye on me. More grateful for our Blessed Mother and her mantle of protection.

Woken Up

Due to two sites in need of healing, the one that is abdominal is the most painful. Taking pain killers as an aid to keep from hurting too much has been a blessing. I was thinking the other night that I would need to wake up around three o'clock in the morning to take one before waking up completely and in severe pain.

Little did I know what to expect, usually I wake up without a problem and many times sleep through the loudest of noises. The other night there was such a loud clash of thunder that did wake me up and once I woke for a bit and took my meds the thunder had stopped. But the oddest part of the thunder was the feeling of anger in it as if to say how loud do I have to get before you wake up. I couldn't help feel as if God was a big part of the whole thing. I was so grateful to have been woken up at 3 a.m. it was amazing.

I think the best part was I had the feeling it was all orchestrated by our Heavenly Father out of his love. The thunder did not feel like normal thunder, I don't know how else to explain it. I just somehow knew it came from him.

Starting Over

Back home from the hospital and hopefully the rest of the healing will be quick. It's been the toughest struggle of all but I gave it to God. I have found that prayers work best from the heart. Right now I am just getting back online and hopefully will be back to sharing faith on a regular basis. God bless you all and I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Laptop

I was thinking of having my laptop brought to the hospital after the surgery, but what they are going to do will most likely render me incapable of picking it up for awhile. So that will make for several days with no posts until I get home and can sit infront of the desktop computer. My imagination at this time is down to nothing regarding what to post. I feel kinda blank at this time.

I think it has to do with having too much on the mind regarding this upcoming surgery. Good thing I have an excellent doctor that I trust and that is important. Then I can look forward to putting this time period behind me and making a fresh start. I have often wondered why did I have this illness come about at this time in life, but as with anything that goes on there is always a purpose in God's eyes. Maybe to wake us up to something that is going wrong in our lives or being on the wrong path and not doing what we should be doing.

Maybe to wake us up from ourselves and the situations in our lives, to place more trust in God and HIS son Jesus. I have often found that even though illness has struck it does not always mean that it is to remove darkness, especially if the heart is filled with light. But maybe to reveal something else that will improve our life. The posibility of having to change eating habits, or what we do for exercise or how we handle situations. All for the good if we manage to bring about the change that will aid in keeping the body strong just as God and His son Jesus keep our spiritual life strong.

Having had to ponder the way of things and to take a closer look at my own life and situation I have seen that my faith is truly strong. I have been to Mass recently and discovered that at the moment the Eucharist is broken and elavated, my heart soars and I feel a smile come upon my lips. It's not something I can make happen on its own because I tried that and it does not work quite that way. It is pure joy!! I am thankful for this gift. That alone speaks loudly of my love for Jesus and our Heavenly Father.

One More Time

Hopefully this coming Tuesday everything will go well with the reconstruction surgery. Having already gone through several in these past few months this one coming up will be the longest. I don't know why I worry about the little stuff, I haven't seemed to get it out of my system as yet. I shouldn't have to worry about my parents, but I do. They will be the ones who will have to do everything after I get home from the hospital. I feel bad because it has really taken a toll on them both with me having gone through so much already and being home and not being much of a help.

Sometimes we argue over the stupidest things when under the influence of chemo drugs. I have noticed as time goes on and the stuff is not as heavy in my blood, the difference is remarkable. Amazing how chemicals can affect a persons body and mind as well. It kills so much that is fast growing that I wonder if it let in evil and destroyed the good. But the soul should not have been affected at all. I think in a different way it has by being taken over by the illness that has made the body physically weak and where once the desire and drive to know more of God and all that pertains to HIS life has taken a back seat due to lack of being able to read or do much else for that matter.

I know when I was going through so much the struggle to walk was difficult because of always being short of breath when going short distances. I think because of having been so ill that I lost part of something wonderful when I couldn't focus on much. This whole year has been a trial and an eye opener. I sometimes see myself as not a good person and I always seek improvement. I strive very hard to be good and I seem to fail at it miserably. At least on those occasions when I get to go to confession then I feel rejuvenated and set free.

Sometimes my thoughts go into overdrive and I wonder why I can't seem to say the right things or do the right thing at the right moment. Or let anger take control when I am not in control of myself. At those times I have found prayer eludes me, yet my conscience truly goes into high gear. I think at those times it becomes a never ending battle. I often wonder how Jesus would handle things and I have to remind myself that he too had gotten angry, maybe for not the same reasons and that's when I have to remember the difference and remind myself I am human and make mistakes. I cannot say there is a justifiable reason for loosing control of oneself even when under the influence of sickness. That would be like driving a car and loosing control and saying it's okay for hitting that person when not in control of your vehicle. Sometimes and maybe too many times we all make excuses for what happens in our life and fail to take the blame for it. I know in my heart that many times I am to blame and I will admit it. I try very hard to not invite excuses into the way I act or do things in life.

I will admit that I do put off doing things until the last moment and I try to not do that. I think that's why this blog is not going too far. Besides it mostly is a journal of sorts about my faith, life and what I have witnessed. Except, since I have been undergoing much with breast cancer it kinda became a source for me to vent in a way. I try not to vent about what bothers me and even then I fail to recognize it when I do it. I don't try to be negative about issues but see the positive about it all. I do apologize if I have made people uncomfortable with this blog and writing about my feelings and hurts.

Discovery

I feel like there is void going on inside of me these past few days. I discovered that I have no words to write. I've searched and found nothing! Is this what they call quiet time? I am wondering since I had those words if I am to just be in the Here and Now and not worry about tomorrow or the next day.

I have discovered I do worry too much about mundane stuff. I've prayed to have this taken away from me or somehow not be as intense. I didn't realize I was doing it that much until I took note of it. Not an easy thing to do considering I have had nothing but time on my hands with recovering from this illness. I have discovered how truly imperfect I am and am very thankful for it too. I suppose at this stage in my life it is not easy not to worry, but that is something I really need to stop doing and let go and let God take over.

I want to cry because I have found that part is not easy as I had thought. I had given over and let go of so much already in my life to God and now I have found another part that needs to be given up. How do I begin the process, yet several days ago I did attempt that very thing. I don't have control of many things and it seems there is so much already in my life that I have found what I did control has been taken away from me. In a sense from what I see is Gods hand in purifying my life to make room for something better. Or to cleanse what did not belong. If I asked to have a clean mind, heart and body then this is his way of removing the blight that keeps him from being close.

I think I like the fact that God is pulling out all the stops to create in me a clean evironment for HIM to dwell in.

Blessings

Would it be possible to start this whole year all over again? Would the outcome be any different if I chose to have done things differently? As I have pondered these things I have come to the conclusion that it is part of God's plan in how it all turned out. Accepting HIS plan regarding how life has turned out can be an amazing thing. Looking at things in a positive way helps in keeping hope alive as things don't always go well at times.

Like trying to keep a log of blood pressure when the machine takes umpteen times to even record a pressure. That can be frustrating along with a painful arm from having to squeeze the daylights out of it to obtain a blood pressure reading. What makes matters worst is I'm only allowed to use one arm since they took out lymph nodes in the other. No blood draws or blood pressure from the left side. I sometimes wonder if my body has finally gone the route of dysfunctional.

The healing process is a very slow one for me. I am grateful when I hear how others have recovered wonderfully from beginning to end. Realizing how unique my situation is and how lucky I am to have been given this time to focus more on faith, love and hope along with being with my parents as they face their own difficulties with health. I see how caring for me has taken a huge toll on them and how tired they are during the day. Seeing my dad slowly doing less and seeing my mom worry over how he is doing. She keeps her spirits up knowing one day he will be gone from her, yet she doesn't let on how it affects her. I know it bothers me when I see my dad eat less and then doesn't want to walk or move around because of pain. How it seems as if he is wasting away not using his muscles. The elderly have a difficult life when they too are ill and not in shape to care for themselves.

I sometimes wonder how my mom does it without getting angry. Her faith is much more stronger than mine, even when she says to me my faith is very strong. I know this morning even though things aren't going so well I chose to remind myself that things will get better and looked forward to a brighter future if it is God's plan for my life. When my mom and myself have conversations, she always manages to say she would not trade places with me because of all that I have gone through with this cancer. She feels I have been through the proverbial ringer with this one. I must admit it has been quite an experience. If I had to go through it again, I would.

Well they say life is not easy and that's the truth. Loving God is easy when life goes smoothly but when the trials begin finding love for God can sometimes be difficult. Looking at our own relationships with our spouses, children or siblings sometimes we find love difficult when we don't feel good or feel slighted from those we love. Sometimes it's the same with God, we often ask if he is there when we are down. As much as we read and hear from others, that is when he is carrying us and is the closest. I know from this illness and treatment that I didn't always see things clearly or know how loved I was by others until it was pointed out.

I think that is why they stress keeping faith alive and strong when going through cancer treatments along with keeping a positive attitude can beat the odds. My hope for today is that others will see the love God has for them through the eyes of others. May those who read this today be blessed by another with a hug and a smile.

Example

Since getting out of the hospital, I have seen my Oncologist and Nurse Practitioner three times and another appointment coming up. When I saw my doctor on Friday she told me I have been very sick after mentioning that another doctor was booking a time in late October for the reconstruction. I didn't get to mention the time but she said no reconstruction because of being so ill, my body will not be able to handle the surgery at this time. Frightening to think that even after a month my body will not be in shape for surgery.

Thinking about all that has gone on and the trials and no benefits forthcoming it's easy to want to give in. I took stock of what I own and all I have to sell is a treadmill and airbike. I have nothing of value to ease my burden. I have to look at this in God's perspective, that he wants me to be poor in spirit and live the beatitudes. I can't say I'm doing a good job of it when I want to rail at God and make me better to be able to support myself and take care of my needs. The pitfalls of being of single, but it doesn't matter anyway since I get taken advantage of by those who have. Even when I got my car they I got suckered. I'm not upset, I just figure I must have to pay for some sort of sin. I am a prime example of how God truly does take away and I suppose that is okay, someone needs to be an example. Then maybe when I die I will have overcome purgatory and will find my eternal home in heaven.

Because my recovery has taken so long and the shortness of breath I seem to be having had me thinking on the path of death, that maybe my body is just too tired. I lack energy even when I go up the stairs it is a chore and the shortness of breath has me wondering when my last is. These are my concerns and I offer them all up to a very loving God who I know will take care of me in his own way and not mine.

Sharing Faith

Talk about having a tough time of things. I ended up back in the hospital on Wednesday when I went to the emergency room on the orders of my doctor because of a high fever and shortness of breath. But in the emergency room they found my blood pressure was fluctuating. At one point they were going to send me home but when it dropped they decided to keep me there and then placed me in the step down from icu unit, I was finally sent home on Sunday in stable condition, my blood pressure stopped dropping. Yet I still continue to make a low grade fever. My white cell count was very high so they also treated me for infection that they could not find. I suppose thats a good thing.

While I was in the hospital I met a Chaplain who I had the opportunity to show my pictures that are on my IPOD of the Eucharist and she mentioned she heard the story but now met me and I shared after she mentioned a lot more with her. I looked at the moment as God sending me that person who would understand.

Anyway, what a way to end chemotherapy!

The Robe

Remember the movie "The Robe" I've always loved this movie along with Jesus of Nazareth. I decided to play it tonight out of a need to keep focused after my treatment. I somehow loose something after I have the infusion. So this is my way of keeping God and Jesus in focus.

I have figured out that when I get the injection the day after the infusion, that causes some of the tiredness and body aches along with voice loss, but the shot works. This is getting to be the last leg of the journey with chemotherapy. Next step is the reconstruction and that should be the end. Other than periodic check ups to make sure no cancer has come back. I praise God that they were able to get it out in the early stage. I think that's why I enjoy watching those special movies about the life and passion of Jesus.

The suffering he went through to save us, helps me to focus upon the cross during my trials.

Quiet Times

It's been quiet lately around here. Quiet in the way of spiritual quietness. I should have been prepared and known that usually happens after receiving words. There always seems to be a quiet time afterwards.

I have been thinking about a time that occurred at an old job when I saw a round bright light on dock number 11 inside a building that had no windows from the direction it was shinning from. I was the only one who saw this even when I asked Denis if he saw it, he didn't. Unfortunately I didn't write down the date, if it was before or after 9/11. All I can recall of seeing that particular bright light was being in awe. I seem to have thought I may have seen it two weeks before or two weeks afterward and why I don't know for certain. Back then I didn't write down somethings but committed it to memory. This is one time I truly wish I wrote it down. It wouldn't have made a difference I suppose. But now I wonder if there was another purpose about it altogether and one day I will come to understand why. But somehow I seem to think it was two weeks afterward that appearance happened.

God has his reasons for everything and the why of it and it will be revealed in his own time and not mine. Sometimes he gives us something to encourage us not knowing the reason why, and keeping our faith helps us along the way. I know I have made many mistakes, and also have been extremely negative about myself when it all began. It was a difficult time for me then and then two years later in 2003 life truly began in a very special way.

Pondering

My last post I mentioned words that had me thinking. So I took time to dwell upon them to discover why I received them. I was thinking of my upcoming infusion which will be my last one and then the following weeks after it. When I see my doctor toward the end of the month I will find out when I go back to work. I was then wondering if that wasn't was the words were all about. Getting myself ready to go back to work by getting up earlier and getting myself prepared for the day.

It may be quite possible that is what the meaning of the words were for, I don't see any other reason why for them. I know it will be difficult getting back into the swing of things with work, I just hope I am not as tired as I have been during the treatments. Becoming a survivor of breast cancer will have a new meaning and then a new way of living.

These past few months have been a huge burden on my parents, they both have gone out of their way to take care of meals and so much more while I recover. They are saints by a long shot before I will ever be one. I have been terrible at times because of the changes in mood from the chemicals. Those are the times I would have longed to have more patience, more love to give and less of my own personal lip service. Such as when the taste buds are gone, the mouth opens and the words are instant, the food tastes terrible, what happened to it, without thought about the drugs that are doing the whole business. Someday I may look back and laugh or cry like a beggar at this time period.

More than anything I place myself to blame for any hardship that occurs or any wrong, not because I want to it just seems to be a habit I got myself into and I don't even know when that even started. Well I guess this time is as good a time as any to mend what may be broken and correct those flaws that mar the way to Jesus and our Heavenly Father. If I can't be honest about myself then I might as well not write then. What I truly enjoy is doing the rosary with my parents as a family even more so now than before. Because I choose Jesus to be part of my life then I do the rosary to bring him closer through His mother.

Words

Sometimes the emotional state we are in can mare any judgement or thought that may be right or wrong. I know the last few days have been rocky ones with tears. A battle I think I hope have conquered. I know I am not alone with these emotions as I go through these changes and times. There are other people who go through the emotional gamut when surrounded by overwhelming odds. But this time I have cried and let it out and in the process attempted to let it go with the tears.

The past few days also were ones with discernment because I was getting words from songs that had me thinking deeply. But today I received the words "Get ready, here I come" and that one truly made me think even more about life. The other one's I received were "Ready to take a chance" along with some others from the same song. When I was getting this particular song I was thinking about my love and what if my heart wasn't truly open after hearing the song. This song put me into the emotional jungle I ended up in with the questions that were running through my thoughts.

So today when I ended up with the other ones, I asked if they were from God or from some other source. Usually that would stop the words from coming if they were not meant to be. But they came and then I found the song and listened and again attempting to discern why both songs so close in time, within a week to a few days. I have to understand that at times those words are a direction to others that may make the meaning clearer or not. But under the assumption I am to assume it is about opening the heart to love and not being afraid. Only problem, I thought I was very open to love and loving my neighbor. Unless it is something entirely different that I cannot see or understand at this time.

This morning as I sat and spoke with my mom and dad about my sorrows, my dad gave me some good advice. He said we never truly know God's plan for us and what he has in mind. I realize that I probably have been questioning his plan for me and not allowing him to do what he is supposed to do. Maybe now God will take a chance on me again. I hope.

Battlefield of the Mind

Sitting here pondering why so much seems to be happening around the world and in our own lives. It's hard to fathom at times why some suffer so terribly and others go through things with ease. Like why do some loose their homes and belongings from disasters and others not. Just like when people get ill and others do not. Or why some get taken advantage of at work and others do not. So many questions without answers, yet God gave us life to live doing his will.

I think some of the questions that plague me are because of the issues I have to deal with in my own life. With a body that is going through some turmoil and wondering why and then praying that trust in Jesus does not fall apart or cave in but grows stronger. Each day I ask my parents to do the rosary in the evening as an aid to faith and to pray for the world and our priests.

I have come to a realization about life and what I thought was good about a place but have found it is not and I should have trusted those instincts in the first place. I have been discovering lately that is something I have failed to do, is trust in what I was given. I want to cry right now because I have wasted time and not done God's will as I should have. I have kept to myself something wonderful and only shared it when it seemed appropriate or when the moment was right. Now as I look back in a good way, maybe I too needed to learn and grow and understand better the truth of what occurred. To see in different light a new way in what is there.

The ache in my heart about this I can only forgive myself. When life invade and things went in a different direction than what it should have, I should have known that I was then on the wrong path when nothing seemed to go right. Sitting here and thinking about all this and how much God has done and how much I truly love him and yet I hurt him by failing miserably by not living my life the way he seeks of me. If I am wrong in my thinking then I pray that God will bring conversion to my soul my thoughts and my prayers. I offer up these sufferings for the souls in purgatory.

Storms

We are getting ready to receive the remnants of an oncoming Hurricane pretty soon. Being prepared in the way of putting things away that could become missiles and cause damage to windows. Getting water into containers for drinking in case of power loss. Then it's water to flush the toilet when you have well water and no way to obtain it other that with a bucket. Preparedness is tantamount to survival when we are surmounted by storms.

That isn't the only way we should be prepared either, we should have our souls prepared as well. Going to confession to cleanse our hearts and souls of any clutter or sin that keeps us away from God. Using daily prayer and thanksgiving for what we receive and give to others out of love. Prayer to overcome the storms that ravage our life when we are ill or going through some other issues that threaten to overwhelm our hearts and take it away from God. It's needing to keep our thoughts always perpetually on HIM and HIS Son Jesus. Being prepared makes a big difference in how we see life at times and how quickly we overcome those obstacles.

Just like the storm that is threatening the seacoast at this time, will we sink, swim or survive without a problem. Remember Peter when he attempted to walk to Jesus on water and slowly went down out of his fear. Trust in Jesus and he will see us through the rough spots.

Why The Doubts?

Yesterday was a tough day being assailed by doubts after the treatments. You would think I would be used to it by now but I am not. These doubts come from the medicine that invade my body and it does something to me that is unexplainable. Like tiredness, pain in the back and then how it affects the thinking, that becomes distorted and painful. Being honest regarding what is taking place is not easy to reveal when it comes to health issues and the treatments that are received.

So again last evening I spoke with my Mom and Dad and found comfort and solace amid the pain my doubts were causing me. I asked to do a Rosary for assistance with these doubts and my mom had a thought come to her about praying for others during the rosary. I mentioned that Jesus does tell us to ask for prayer for ourselves as well. How else then are we to obtain assistance at times of trial if no one knows of our suffering. They will not be able to pray if they do not know in the first place. I know that these doubts may continue to assail me as the drugs continue doing what they do and that is rid the body of any rogue cells that may have invaded it. I am grateful for this treatment, but not the doubts of faith, of life, of so much more.

Then I had this notion of changing my blog template and that kinda went out the window as well since I am not too good at some of these things. More or less I don't have the imagination to make a nice blog page that would be appealing to others. But then again if the content was something good to read about that may help too. But as those doubts seem to come at times, I also know deep in my heart that God's Will will prevail no matter what and he will do what has to be done for all of us not just me or you or the next person.

That Time Again

The last two days have been treatment and ultrasound for something else which came out good. Had my injection yesterday after the ultrasound which happened while the earthquake was going on. Felt that much more being on a higher floor, I had asked the techinician if it was the trains passing by she thought so but then neither of us was sure since it lasted quite awhile. There was no fear at the time because we didn't know being in a room and not really having any outside people make comments.

Anyway it has been quite the time of it. I have noticed after the chemotherapy and injection the next day, I have been getting tired and all I can do is put my trust in Jesus to keep me going strong. When I go for my chemotherapy infusion I have been using my prayer shawl to keep my spirits up and my faith present and warm as the room is very cold as well. Once the anti nausea meds I am taking are past then the next phase of nausea I don't look forward to and the different meds that will assist. One thing for sure I am glad that some people go through this without a hitch and can continue their life without a problem. I am one of the lucky ones that have some of the problems but that is par for the course with other issues.

I think that is why faith is a major part in any illness we have that helps us to have the strength to endure pain and suffering and offer it up to God to keep us from falling apart or giving up completely as some have done without faith. I will not mention the many things that can cause stress as well. That too is up to God and his awesome son Jesus and the beautiful intercesion of our Blessed Mother as well. Always need to pray to her for her constant love and protection from the forces of evil that can barrage the soul when we are sometimes down and uncertain of things that go on in life. She will provide strength when asked from the heart for it.

Joy in One's Life

I've met some nice people lately and they have brightened my life with their presence. I sat outside today on the steps and watched the breeze in the trees but this time it was different. It was a normal breeze! Not like last time when I sensed their presence and the joy in my heart knowing they were there. Just like today and the people I met, they too brought joy to my heart.

Just like watching the World Youth day brought joy seeing the happiness that these young people were having being part of something truly wonderful. Sharing their faith!! when we offer to pray for others when they are going through trials is a tremendous gift of faith. I think that brings me great joy to offer to pray for another in their time of need and also to pray when things are going well. Wishing them all the best in their life. Such as being happy for them when things go well and they prosper or go on to better things. Joy is a very tangible thing when it is based on God and His Will. Trusting in Jesus is the best part of all too.

It's not often when we can witness the joy that faith brings in peoples lives like those who were there in Madrid, Spain. Too bad it wasn't on the regular media and not just on the Catholic television stations to reach those who don't practice, but would have seen how alive our faith truly is with the young people.