Pain

When a person is under the influence of pain there isn't much they want to do, at least for me that is true. I must say that healing is going very well at this time. The open wound has been steadily getting smaller for the past three to four weeks. What an improvement since the end of October of 2011, praise God for that. I haven't felt much like writing or even being on the internet in the past few weeks, even though I thought I would be back, I found myself basically contemplating about many things. Most of all I have enjoyed my dogs companionship when I haven't felt well. The pooch sensed when I was out of sorts and hurting more than usual he would stay even closer.

That reminded me of how much God and Jesus are truly close to us when we seem far away and out of sync because of illness. I began contemplating this closeness in a different way and found my prayers had also changed with this as well. It's as if I was discovering something new about how to pray. I also began to understand that everything happens in Gods time and not ours. When he wants things to be acomplished he makes it happen, not when we try to force the issue. I feel like I was recharged spiritually with this illness and this paticular time period. Maybe that is what I needed to learn with this illness. To discover a new depth of contemplation along with understanding how much God truly loves us all.

One More Time

Hopefully this coming Tuesday everything will go well with the reconstruction surgery. Having already gone through several in these past few months this one coming up will be the longest. I don't know why I worry about the little stuff, I haven't seemed to get it out of my system as yet. I shouldn't have to worry about my parents, but I do. They will be the ones who will have to do everything after I get home from the hospital. I feel bad because it has really taken a toll on them both with me having gone through so much already and being home and not being much of a help.

Sometimes we argue over the stupidest things when under the influence of chemo drugs. I have noticed as time goes on and the stuff is not as heavy in my blood, the difference is remarkable. Amazing how chemicals can affect a persons body and mind as well. It kills so much that is fast growing that I wonder if it let in evil and destroyed the good. But the soul should not have been affected at all. I think in a different way it has by being taken over by the illness that has made the body physically weak and where once the desire and drive to know more of God and all that pertains to HIS life has taken a back seat due to lack of being able to read or do much else for that matter.

I know when I was going through so much the struggle to walk was difficult because of always being short of breath when going short distances. I think because of having been so ill that I lost part of something wonderful when I couldn't focus on much. This whole year has been a trial and an eye opener. I sometimes see myself as not a good person and I always seek improvement. I strive very hard to be good and I seem to fail at it miserably. At least on those occasions when I get to go to confession then I feel rejuvenated and set free.

Sometimes my thoughts go into overdrive and I wonder why I can't seem to say the right things or do the right thing at the right moment. Or let anger take control when I am not in control of myself. At those times I have found prayer eludes me, yet my conscience truly goes into high gear. I think at those times it becomes a never ending battle. I often wonder how Jesus would handle things and I have to remind myself that he too had gotten angry, maybe for not the same reasons and that's when I have to remember the difference and remind myself I am human and make mistakes. I cannot say there is a justifiable reason for loosing control of oneself even when under the influence of sickness. That would be like driving a car and loosing control and saying it's okay for hitting that person when not in control of your vehicle. Sometimes and maybe too many times we all make excuses for what happens in our life and fail to take the blame for it. I know in my heart that many times I am to blame and I will admit it. I try very hard to not invite excuses into the way I act or do things in life.

I will admit that I do put off doing things until the last moment and I try to not do that. I think that's why this blog is not going too far. Besides it mostly is a journal of sorts about my faith, life and what I have witnessed. Except, since I have been undergoing much with breast cancer it kinda became a source for me to vent in a way. I try not to vent about what bothers me and even then I fail to recognize it when I do it. I don't try to be negative about issues but see the positive about it all. I do apologize if I have made people uncomfortable with this blog and writing about my feelings and hurts.

Example

Since getting out of the hospital, I have seen my Oncologist and Nurse Practitioner three times and another appointment coming up. When I saw my doctor on Friday she told me I have been very sick after mentioning that another doctor was booking a time in late October for the reconstruction. I didn't get to mention the time but she said no reconstruction because of being so ill, my body will not be able to handle the surgery at this time. Frightening to think that even after a month my body will not be in shape for surgery.

Thinking about all that has gone on and the trials and no benefits forthcoming it's easy to want to give in. I took stock of what I own and all I have to sell is a treadmill and airbike. I have nothing of value to ease my burden. I have to look at this in God's perspective, that he wants me to be poor in spirit and live the beatitudes. I can't say I'm doing a good job of it when I want to rail at God and make me better to be able to support myself and take care of my needs. The pitfalls of being of single, but it doesn't matter anyway since I get taken advantage of by those who have. Even when I got my car they I got suckered. I'm not upset, I just figure I must have to pay for some sort of sin. I am a prime example of how God truly does take away and I suppose that is okay, someone needs to be an example. Then maybe when I die I will have overcome purgatory and will find my eternal home in heaven.

Because my recovery has taken so long and the shortness of breath I seem to be having had me thinking on the path of death, that maybe my body is just too tired. I lack energy even when I go up the stairs it is a chore and the shortness of breath has me wondering when my last is. These are my concerns and I offer them all up to a very loving God who I know will take care of me in his own way and not mine.

More Time Off

I had my appointment today and ended up with the doctor saying I was hoping to get some of your energy. He mentioned I didn't seem perky as usual. I thought that was one of the nicest things a person could say. That means I am a bundle of energy. I was not that way today considering the last few days also the results of a rash on my head. Well as of this day, I will be out a few more weeks until I see my Oncologist for a determination of a return to work.

I was told that the illness seems to get worse after each treatment, I didn't want to hear that considering it took a toll on the first treatment and this time with different results. According to my paperwork on the chemotherapy and what I need to inform the doctor on that was it. The more I speak with the nurses they keep letting me know what the worst things I need to inform them of. Oh well then, I must be a stickler on whats seems to be going on with my body.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest so to speak I can now say that I have been seriously looking deeply at my faith and how I got where I am today. I took out the pictures and started to look them over and came to realize what an amazing thing I have been given. It's not everyday a person can say with all honesty that God paid them a personal visit and showed himself via the Eucharist. I have also come to understand that this also places my life in a different way. I am glad that through this gift that was given it brought me to a level of happiness that I would not otherwise have known or for that matter I would not have pursued the religious life. But then again I may have looked deeper into where I should have been if I never had that grace given to me.

I am beginning to see things in a different way than I did before because of the thoughts that go through my mind regarding prayer and God and what he did for me. A day cannot go by without the thought of thanking HIM or even mentioning something remarkable about the many things that were given. Silent moments of prayer in thanksgiving! I guess I should not be surprised at how it all came about, but I am. On that thought itself, these past few days I had an opportunity to clean out and go through my personal belongings as well. Sometimes it takes an illness to get things done in life that when we are well we would put off. I have a bad habit of holding onto useless papers or printed up articles for future reading even after it was originally read the first time. Talk about wasting time and space, the mind holds onto the information after it was given it so printing to hold onto it is quite useless. I think this round of illness actually has brought healing in another direction by the grace of God.

I think right now I must be rambling about mundane stuff so I will end here and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Hope

There is hope knowing that everything went well yesterday with my infusion. Only draw back is the effects from the anti nausea stuff raises my blood sugar too high. So a call went to my primary care regarding a plan for the time period when I have to take these particular meds.

I am hopeful that all will go well and there will not be too many draw backs. I have found praying for my care givers, such as the doctors and nurses help alot. Praying that they will know to do the right thing regarding my care and the treatments needed. I kinda stopped asking our Lord for financial because everytime I pray for his divine assistance I seem to find more coming out of the woodwork as if to say I will never get his assistance that way. I try to be positive in this and try to believe that he will always be there when I fall flat on my face.

Whenever trials come around doesn't it always seem as if more trials come thru and wonder if they will ever end. I know that God is great and his love is never ending, I know his sons love is the same. I asked my mom this morning if it was possible if maybe my faith wasn't as strong as it should be and she said my faith is up there. My mom is one of the ones who has taught me to be positive with other people as she does the same with me and rest of our family. When we question things she seems to know that sometimes we need positive reinforcement. I think God is the same way too when we receive consolations to say good job.

Right now I know there is hope because they removed all the cancer and it is gone, this part is to get rid of any cells that may have roamed about. I trust that this treatment will work and everything will come out fine. I anticipate the day when I don't feel icky from recovery of surgeries and everything else. I would be lying if I didn't admit my mental health has taken a beating, the anxiety one encounters regarding lifes situation. If I thought life was tough after having a heart attack and overcoming that obstacle, then this one should not be so tough. It never is easy when we find our life ridden with illness and how to remove the blight in the first place. I have even tried praying for healing of our family ancestors so the next generation will not be so plagued with issues. It is a hope that God will see these prayers answered in his own time if it his will for our family.