Pondering

My last post I mentioned words that had me thinking. So I took time to dwell upon them to discover why I received them. I was thinking of my upcoming infusion which will be my last one and then the following weeks after it. When I see my doctor toward the end of the month I will find out when I go back to work. I was then wondering if that wasn't was the words were all about. Getting myself ready to go back to work by getting up earlier and getting myself prepared for the day.

It may be quite possible that is what the meaning of the words were for, I don't see any other reason why for them. I know it will be difficult getting back into the swing of things with work, I just hope I am not as tired as I have been during the treatments. Becoming a survivor of breast cancer will have a new meaning and then a new way of living.

These past few months have been a huge burden on my parents, they both have gone out of their way to take care of meals and so much more while I recover. They are saints by a long shot before I will ever be one. I have been terrible at times because of the changes in mood from the chemicals. Those are the times I would have longed to have more patience, more love to give and less of my own personal lip service. Such as when the taste buds are gone, the mouth opens and the words are instant, the food tastes terrible, what happened to it, without thought about the drugs that are doing the whole business. Someday I may look back and laugh or cry like a beggar at this time period.

More than anything I place myself to blame for any hardship that occurs or any wrong, not because I want to it just seems to be a habit I got myself into and I don't even know when that even started. Well I guess this time is as good a time as any to mend what may be broken and correct those flaws that mar the way to Jesus and our Heavenly Father. If I can't be honest about myself then I might as well not write then. What I truly enjoy is doing the rosary with my parents as a family even more so now than before. Because I choose Jesus to be part of my life then I do the rosary to bring him closer through His mother.

Battlefield of the Mind

Sitting here pondering why so much seems to be happening around the world and in our own lives. It's hard to fathom at times why some suffer so terribly and others go through things with ease. Like why do some loose their homes and belongings from disasters and others not. Just like when people get ill and others do not. Or why some get taken advantage of at work and others do not. So many questions without answers, yet God gave us life to live doing his will.

I think some of the questions that plague me are because of the issues I have to deal with in my own life. With a body that is going through some turmoil and wondering why and then praying that trust in Jesus does not fall apart or cave in but grows stronger. Each day I ask my parents to do the rosary in the evening as an aid to faith and to pray for the world and our priests.

I have come to a realization about life and what I thought was good about a place but have found it is not and I should have trusted those instincts in the first place. I have been discovering lately that is something I have failed to do, is trust in what I was given. I want to cry right now because I have wasted time and not done God's will as I should have. I have kept to myself something wonderful and only shared it when it seemed appropriate or when the moment was right. Now as I look back in a good way, maybe I too needed to learn and grow and understand better the truth of what occurred. To see in different light a new way in what is there.

The ache in my heart about this I can only forgive myself. When life invade and things went in a different direction than what it should have, I should have known that I was then on the wrong path when nothing seemed to go right. Sitting here and thinking about all this and how much God has done and how much I truly love him and yet I hurt him by failing miserably by not living my life the way he seeks of me. If I am wrong in my thinking then I pray that God will bring conversion to my soul my thoughts and my prayers. I offer up these sufferings for the souls in purgatory.

Rosary

Lately I have been compeled to do the 15 decades of the Holy Rosary. I have found immense comfort doing this by myself and with my parents in the evening. The trials we all are going through at this time are a bit much. My Uncle who recently lost his wife, sent my mom a package regarding cremation and funeral stuff for her to look over. I was at one time under the impression that they had pre-made their arrangements but was told no, they only took care of the burial plot. Sometimes when talk of this sort arises it foretells of what may be coming, hopefully not in the too near future.

Watching my mom and dad as I recover my own illness has opened my eyes to how much they undergo and suffer daily, the many sacrifices they have given up to care for me. Myself as well have basically given up my personal life to assist them with their care as well even when on the mend. It's the small stuff that I am able to help them with, such as taking care of their medicines or doing laundry without having to lift that much. We each in our own way help each other out. Sometimes with words of encouragement to eat and stay strong, words to say thank you for all that you do.

What I am grateful for is the family I was given on this earth to be my guide when I am lost and alone. They hold me when there is no one to support me in my joys and sorrows. They help me to see a brighter day when I feel like I am loosing the battle financially when the doctors bills come in and I find it hard to give up what little I have. Then I have to recall the story of the woman giving her last for the kingdom of God and that brings me hope and better sense of faith. Sometimes these things are too heavy a burden and yet I still smile and go on and see how God provides the birds who have nothing. I find myself enthralled with nature and how God has blessed us with so much and yet we take it all for granted. I think now more than ever I am even more grateful to have nothing, because I can appreciate what God wants me to see in what he made.

So as I go on and realize that not only is God important but so is the one he chose to give us his Son Jesus, our loving Blessed Mother Mary, the one without sin.

Rosary

The last few times I've done Adoration at the Monastery I've begun doing the Rosary in Latin. I have found that while doing the Hail Mary it becomes a song. Mainly due to the many Ave Maria's being sung in Latin. I have come to find it very enjoyable to do it this way.

It seemed to have begun quite by accident as I was going through a little book of prayers that have them in English and Latin, so from there my Rosary in Latin began. I look forward to saying the Rosary this way as it now becomes prayer in song as well as said.

My mom is now home from Rehab, tired but well. I have found my days are non stop with little time to go online. When I do I actually fall asleep reading so I end up going to bed. As the routine around here gets underway then maybe there might be more time and less tiredness. Hopefully as time allows the blog will get back underway with more spiritual matters.

Rosary

The Rosary can be said with personal intentions or can be said for the intentions of others or for the world. Either way it is a benefit and a blessing. The other day I did a Rosary that was so totally different regarding it's intentions and for whom. I felt the need to offer the Rosary for Jesus in a thanksgiving type of way for what he did for us. The Rosary was specifically for him and him alone. It was still the Rosary with the same mysteries, but my own personal reflections were in gratitude about his life.

Those moments I would have loved to have captured on paper and kept because they were a gift from the Holy Spirit. The words were delightful and beyond my scope of what I would say. It was a lifting up of the spirit in praise and glory. What truly made this Rosary special was the fact that it was done from the heart. I've noticed that when words come from the heart they are far more meaningful than those that are empty and said just to be said. Maybe that's why when a Rosary is said from the heart it reaches the very heart of Heaven.

A new Rosary

My sister came over last night to pay a visit with my parents. So I got to spend some time with her before having to go to bed. She gave me something truly special, a wooden Rosary from Jerusalem. Now I have three sets, one was made from the roses from the flower pillow that was in my grandfathers casket. That one is gold in color. The other one is blue glass beads, I received this one from a Nun at the Convent of the Sisters of St. Anne next to the school I went to. I used to clean the Church as a kid during recess and I was to choose which Rosary I wanted for doing the cleaning. The Rosary itself was a mended one, but to me it was very special. I've kept them with me everywhere I've gone. I even replaced the crucifix which replaced the replaced one.

Well anyway that brought back a few cherished memories.