Upcoming

It's been a whirlwind day today, went to my first meeting with the Nurse Practitioner regarding the upcoming chemotherapy treatments. I found out that I will be having eight treatments done in 2 week intervals. The first four with 2 different drugs and then the next four with one drug. It was quite day learning about side effects, reactions and what to do when they occur. Basically everything regarding the treatments from anti nausea stuff to the actual treatment.

My first one will be next week and I pray that all will go well with it too. One thing I have to remind myself, I didn't ask for this to happen to me but on the other hand I have accepted my cross and realize that God will take care of what needs to be taken care of regarding my health and wellbeing. In a good way it has enabled me to take better care of my other illnesses and not take them for granted. Being more vigilant and pro-active regarding better sugar control and healthier life style for better heart health or to take better care of what I do have.

I would surmise that this cross is a way of finding stronger faith and finding out strength in other areas of life. When the chips fall and moods fail to lift up the soul, then prayer is always an aid that proves to be a worthy source of comfort along with Gods Word. It never fails to provide comfort when reading the Bible to bring us closer to God. Those moments help to keep the moods from falling deeper into the pit of despair. I always remind myself that God is love beyond compare.

Pride

The next step is facing chemotherapy and the loss of pride. The port a cath has been placed for the next step of the process and I tell you, that was a painful process too. The area it was placed is still very sore and my neck has this visible area where the catheter is. Wednesday I get to have a meeting regarding the chemotherapy, about the drugs that will be given and the ones I need to take before the therapy.

I mentioned in the beginning sentence about loss of pride and that is a womans hair. I have had plenty of time contemplating the fact that it will come out, even when others say it may not. The fact is it is very possible. Along with the possiblity of weight gain as well. Not something a person wants to hear when weight loss has been difficult at best, again there goes the loss of pride. Discovering areas in life that may have been prideful have been an eye opener for me. It is an opportunity to reflect on God's Word, the Psalms and HIS grace most of all.

Pride is a sin and if I have been sinning in this way regarding my hair and my body regarding weight then this is a good thing to root it out and allow me to correct that flaw and bring it before God to offer it up and ask for his Divine forgiveness. Even though they removed the cancer, this other stuff needs to be done to bring about healing and cleansing. So too, does reflection and then confession regarding sin in our life. It also brings healing and cleansing. It brings us closer to God. Who would dare to miss that opportunity to bring about that sense of well being and to be closer to God and his family.

I am glad that I have been given this moment to reflect and to partake of his grace in my life.

Word of God

Had my doctors appointment Monday morning, where he not only took out some stitches, but put in more after cleaning out what was not healing. I have found myself more tender from that day than the last time he did it. I also found out that it may be possible to end up with having chemotherapy in a few weeks. It was a tough day when I went to work, between hurting and being a bit frightened of what is coming it was just too much. It wasn't a good 1st week back at all. The heat is tiring along with the uncertainty of finding myself on the outside rather than the inside.

I went back to Adoration for the first time yesterday as well. A wonderful hour, but I also found myself tired same as when I went to Mass this morning, my blood sugar was good but was very tired when I came home. I ended up sleeping for three hours. Those moments like that are not just at work as I have mentioned they occur doing minimal things. But I suppose it's to be expected that it will take time to heal.

I remember this morning at Mass I couldn't help recall those few times when the Eucharist came alive on my tongue. It was those moments of memory that came through to reinforce Jesus's presence in my life in those moments when he was so very alive. I will never forget how that felt or how wonderful it was to know that particular Grace was meant for me. These memories are what sustain me as I face these trials. Memories that I love to share and reveal to those who need to know that Jesus is very much alive in the Eucharist. It shouldn't take a trial in our lives to bring us closer to God to begin with. We should have that relationship as we have begun to grow up when we were learning as children, from our parents and teachers. Anyway, for me this morning was good in that regard. Because God is love in every sense of the Word. Even when we hear the Word of God.

New Month

Where did January go? It seems that we had just celebrated the Holidays and now we are in the beginning of the second month of February in the year of our Lord 2010. A month that has a day of celebration of love on Valentines day. We had the reading yesterday that many pick for part of their wedding package. The second reading from 1 Corinthians 12:31-13:13 that has "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails," these words are placed in cards as well for those who love.

Upon reflecting these words from Sundays reading, I took a good look in my own life and asked many questions of myself. Do I love this way? Am I patient with my family and those around me? Am I kind to my family and those who I encounter? Have I been jealous at any time when others have been rewarded or have found something I may not have? Do I puff myself up as if I am more important than my neighbor? Is my ego inflated because I have more than those who have less? Am I rude to my family and those around me? Do I seek my own interest rather than my neighbors best interest? Do I get angry easily? Have I brooded over injuries? Have I rejoiced over a wrongdoing? These have all been good questions to see if the love I have for my neighbor and myself are on the up and up. But the greatest question I asked myself also was about these questions and my relationship with God.

I look deeply into these questions and see if I also have been patient to my loving God, since he responds in his own time regarding prayer and questions that may have not been answered. Have I been kind to him? And the list went on. Our relationship with family and friends and the love we say we have, the answers would have been easy. But if we also asked them about our personal relationship with God how then would those answers be? I know how mine came out, do any of you know how those questions may have been answered for yourself. It's possible that we would see that there are areas that need some correcting. Give it try and ponder the gifts of love. Maybe we would find that not only in our daily relationships we would work harder at giving love, but also find that we need to work even harder on loving God.

Reading the Word of God

This morning was my debut as a lector and it went very well. I accidentally bid a hasty retreat back to my seat at communion without realizing I was to stay put until the end when Monsignor goes and gives the Eucharist to the congregation. That was the only minor glitch and duly noted so as not to do it again. I think more than anything my thoughts were on what also may happen upon receiving and those beautiful moments come. I should not worry about that and just let God do what he does best.

Since communion for me is a time that I often experience many blessings of the Spirit, I was afraid that being part of the area that people are closest to the Altar that it would be twofold. But this morning I held on for dear life and held back what should be natural the explicit joy. Right now no words can convey the torment. But today I learned a very dear lesson on what not to do and that is to squelch the Spirit. The very freedom a gift of pure love. I was shamefull in that moment where I wanted to be alone in my joy where no one could see the happiness that becomes so apparent upon receiving my beloved. What I feared most was not being totally open to receiving. How odd to think that being where everyone can see would place such a hold on such a natural gift of receiving without reserve.

Hopefully as I get accustomed to being in a place where all can see, the joy will be just as wonderful. That is my hope for today. Todays reading reading was even more special for the first time as it had to do with Praising God. "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty, who was, and who is, and who is to come." That phrase is absolutely beautiful and to think how close we are to the very Throne of God and fail to sing his praises by exclaiming those very words. Along with these: “Worthy are you, Lord our God,to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things; because of your will they came to be and were created.” God is so good and loving.

I know in one of the pictures I took of what I saw on the Eucharist, there was an image that showed itself of a Throne, I think quite a few of those pictures showed much of Revelation, now that I think about it.