Just Me

I finally took a picture of myself without my hair since I lost it from chemotherapy. It finally is starting to grow back and kinda feels like sand paper in some spots. Since I am kinda bashful and don't always show my picture, this is part of the healing process to overcome some obstacles as well as other things. This is one of my better days since my journey began with the cancer. I am just trying to figure out how I ended up with such a crooked smile, must be from sleeping on the left side too much. (laughing at that.) Anyway, this is the face God gave me and he doesn't make junk.

Sharing Faith

Talk about having a tough time of things. I ended up back in the hospital on Wednesday when I went to the emergency room on the orders of my doctor because of a high fever and shortness of breath. But in the emergency room they found my blood pressure was fluctuating. At one point they were going to send me home but when it dropped they decided to keep me there and then placed me in the step down from icu unit, I was finally sent home on Sunday in stable condition, my blood pressure stopped dropping. Yet I still continue to make a low grade fever. My white cell count was very high so they also treated me for infection that they could not find. I suppose thats a good thing.

While I was in the hospital I met a Chaplain who I had the opportunity to show my pictures that are on my IPOD of the Eucharist and she mentioned she heard the story but now met me and I shared after she mentioned a lot more with her. I looked at the moment as God sending me that person who would understand.

Anyway, what a way to end chemotherapy!

The Robe

Remember the movie "The Robe" I've always loved this movie along with Jesus of Nazareth. I decided to play it tonight out of a need to keep focused after my treatment. I somehow loose something after I have the infusion. So this is my way of keeping God and Jesus in focus.

I have figured out that when I get the injection the day after the infusion, that causes some of the tiredness and body aches along with voice loss, but the shot works. This is getting to be the last leg of the journey with chemotherapy. Next step is the reconstruction and that should be the end. Other than periodic check ups to make sure no cancer has come back. I praise God that they were able to get it out in the early stage. I think that's why I enjoy watching those special movies about the life and passion of Jesus.

The suffering he went through to save us, helps me to focus upon the cross during my trials.

Divine Physician

I was all set to receive round two of chemotherapy, but was told due to having a drain in it will be postponed for another week. Hopefully by Friday the drain will be out and the next treatment will begin on Monday. It's one thing to pay visits to physicians but often I would rather be paying the Divine Physician a visit to have him treat me in the many ways Jesus does. He takes care of the spiritual as well as the physical.

I had to follow up today with my primary care doctor because of my recent hospital stay, I actually get to see him in four months rather than three, so I asked him why and he said because I have a lot on my plate right now. I suppose I do, yet it doesn't feel like it. Can it be the peace I feel regarding everything including giving up praying about finances and letting go and letting God take over what I cannot control or handle at this time. I gave my illness over to HIM to take care of me as per HIS Will. Even the Blessed Mother has a special part in all of it. Without her we would not have Jesus. Her "YES" resounds deeply in my heart, because I understand how possible it was to be overshadowed by the HOLY SPIRIT.

Our Blessed Mother is a very special lady and I hope more people will come to love her and her son as much as I do.

First Treatment

I had my first chemo treatment on Wednesday and it went well. I have had minimal effects at this time. I just began to lose some of my taste buds with some tiredness but that is to be expected. I hope from this point on that I don't get too much else. I think I was fearing this part of the whole ordeal because the body is being invaded by more chemicals to rid it of harmful stuff that will kill it. So in a sense this is a good thing for a short time.

I think from this point on I will try to read the Bible more to help me on the journey rather than the daily readings. Moments I think would help reflecting Gods Word in my life to help me focus on Him and not on myself and my situation. I've lost a few more pounds of weight and I like that as I see my attempt to keep carbs down has made an impact.

We went today to the Divine Mercy Shrine in Stockbridge, MA so I could go to confession and then Mass. It turned out to be a wonderful outing, since it has been a long time since i've been able to go anywhere other than the doctors office or Hospital. I enjoyed the homily the Priest gave on reading God's Word and letting it impact our lives. That's why I mentioned I would like to do more of. Anyway I praise God for getting me thru this far and taking care of me on a daily basis.

Hope

There is hope knowing that everything went well yesterday with my infusion. Only draw back is the effects from the anti nausea stuff raises my blood sugar too high. So a call went to my primary care regarding a plan for the time period when I have to take these particular meds.

I am hopeful that all will go well and there will not be too many draw backs. I have found praying for my care givers, such as the doctors and nurses help alot. Praying that they will know to do the right thing regarding my care and the treatments needed. I kinda stopped asking our Lord for financial because everytime I pray for his divine assistance I seem to find more coming out of the woodwork as if to say I will never get his assistance that way. I try to be positive in this and try to believe that he will always be there when I fall flat on my face.

Whenever trials come around doesn't it always seem as if more trials come thru and wonder if they will ever end. I know that God is great and his love is never ending, I know his sons love is the same. I asked my mom this morning if it was possible if maybe my faith wasn't as strong as it should be and she said my faith is up there. My mom is one of the ones who has taught me to be positive with other people as she does the same with me and rest of our family. When we question things she seems to know that sometimes we need positive reinforcement. I think God is the same way too when we receive consolations to say good job.

Right now I know there is hope because they removed all the cancer and it is gone, this part is to get rid of any cells that may have roamed about. I trust that this treatment will work and everything will come out fine. I anticipate the day when I don't feel icky from recovery of surgeries and everything else. I would be lying if I didn't admit my mental health has taken a beating, the anxiety one encounters regarding lifes situation. If I thought life was tough after having a heart attack and overcoming that obstacle, then this one should not be so tough. It never is easy when we find our life ridden with illness and how to remove the blight in the first place. I have even tried praying for healing of our family ancestors so the next generation will not be so plagued with issues. It is a hope that God will see these prayers answered in his own time if it his will for our family.

Upcoming

It's been a whirlwind day today, went to my first meeting with the Nurse Practitioner regarding the upcoming chemotherapy treatments. I found out that I will be having eight treatments done in 2 week intervals. The first four with 2 different drugs and then the next four with one drug. It was quite day learning about side effects, reactions and what to do when they occur. Basically everything regarding the treatments from anti nausea stuff to the actual treatment.

My first one will be next week and I pray that all will go well with it too. One thing I have to remind myself, I didn't ask for this to happen to me but on the other hand I have accepted my cross and realize that God will take care of what needs to be taken care of regarding my health and wellbeing. In a good way it has enabled me to take better care of my other illnesses and not take them for granted. Being more vigilant and pro-active regarding better sugar control and healthier life style for better heart health or to take better care of what I do have.

I would surmise that this cross is a way of finding stronger faith and finding out strength in other areas of life. When the chips fall and moods fail to lift up the soul, then prayer is always an aid that proves to be a worthy source of comfort along with Gods Word. It never fails to provide comfort when reading the Bible to bring us closer to God. Those moments help to keep the moods from falling deeper into the pit of despair. I always remind myself that God is love beyond compare.

Life Changes

How to stay strong when life throws curve balls, prayer and more prayer and most of all trust in God and his beloved Son Jesus and along with that list is our Blessed Mother Mary. Keeping them uppermost in mind to keep faith burning and peace ever close to the heart. I am writing about this because in February I went for a yearly visit by the prompting of my doctor, which I am extremely grateful for. That visit when the results became available changed my life again.

It's not easy to find out that more testing was needed and then find from them that the inevitable happened. Breast Cancer! It's been a whirlwind since then as they put me on the fast track. Surgery is one of the perks! I had one night that I felt as if I was battling the devil himself from the disbelief, yet from that point on with constant prayer and amazingly a few consolations that came have brought such peace about the whole thing. I don't know why that being out of work for a while and undergoing surgery and then chemotherapy doesn't bother me at this time. I feel the weight of this burden placed upon my life as very light or perhaps the full power of it all has not completely set in as yet. After having under gone open heart surgery nearly nine years ago already this seems as if it is a minor hurdle on the path of life. Yet is it a very big hurdle. One that I am told that being positive and upbeat can make all the difference and that is how I feel at this time, Positive.

Having had a personal encounter with the Eucharist several years ago has also helped in keeping my mind and heart at ease. Even when there have been moments of struggle with doubt and questioning faith, no matter what seems to occur, I have found a deeper renewal of strength in God and HIS presence in my life. So as of this writing I am not worried about how it will all come about. He will take care of what needs to be done through those who will be his hands, his voice and his body. God bless.