Don't Know Anymore

The other day when I went for my appointment I also obtained a possible return to work date as well. The doctors office wrote out a doctors note regarding this, so when I went to work and dropped it off, I'm not sure what to make of things. They were happy to see me but when I went to the HR and gave the note, I was looked at by this person in such a way that made me leery of her. She could not look me in the eye while talking, apologized for not returning my email. So I gave her a way out and blamed it on lots of work.

Today, I had a call from the social worker with oncology and I asked her a question regarding one of the treatments I will be getting, it may cause heart damage and she suggested I call the triage nurse and ask them. So I did, and I just received a call from the doctor regarding this issue. She will be changing the regimen with a different drug and it will be every three weeks instead and possibly up to six treatments rather than eight. I know originally she had mentioned when I first met her I would have 4 treatments every three weeks. I don't recall the drugs she may have mentioned, well anyway, she will be looking into why things were changed and was glad I questioned things regarding what damage may be done or not taking the drug. She reassured me that I will be okay.

I have had a chance to go through much of my stuff and clean out the junk. I didn't realize how bad things were until I began to tackle it. So much wasted time and space all because I was afraid to handle problems after loosing a job. Again this cancer seems to have brought about a change possibly for the better. Now it is putting it into practice and learning to forgive myself and others for situations that are beyond what is deemed normal. I pray to Jesus for the constant strength to get through each day and each rough spot that I encounter. I also have learned to not be afraid to speak with the doctors regarding my care. A problem I noticed that I never did speak candidly before with them. I am grateful for this time and for all the prayers that many are saying on my behalf. I don't get to visit others sites and read their loving words about our Lord and Blessed Mother as much as I would like. Those places are a balm for the soul and I have stayed away from them for fear that they would read what I write and think I was an evil person myself. Stupid thought! I am human and I hurt just like everyone else does.

Jesus too, hurt when he was alive. He took insults from others, he took a beating and was hung upon a cross to free us from our sins. Thank you Jesus for what you did, not just for me but for the whole world.

Love of Neighbor

It seems to be par for the course to get an end of the winter season with a cold. On top of the extreme heat used at work, then a drop in temperature has now had the effect of a sore throat along with being ill. The temperature changes happened several days ago and the truth of why they did it is beyond me. But if I am getting sick from it so will others as well.

It makes me wonder why people go to extremes like this in the work force to create their own discomfort as well as others. What mentality drives them to do this? More like childish behavior. Excuses don't cut it either when it's easy to change the temperature and they say they don't know why it's so hot in there in the first place. What lesson is there to be learned in this regard? How to forgive the actions of others and love them inspite of the evilness of their actions. I'm not perfect myself because I react just like the rest of them. But when I asked one time to have the heat lowered I got refused by the supervisor and told she didn't know how. Yet on another day she did it for someone else. Yet I still love them and accept the fact that they are ill in mind while I am ill physically. Venting and forgiving.

It's All Possible

If I could have thought back to the early years of my life and thought about where I would be by now, I would never have imagined it this way in a million years. Even if they were well thought out plans, how are any of us to know what tomorrow will bring. I think this new job has brought that into prospective more than ever. It's getting answers for others so they can take the next step. It's an unusual job and one that I've never really knew existed.

In that regard it brings my thoughts more in focus of what God truly does for us to get us through each day and our ability to listen to his answers to the vast questions we ask of him. Or know for that matter what we would experience with his grace.

My parents and I exchanged Adoration hours, since I am at work at the time I normally would be there. But at least theirs is in the evening hours during one day in the week and that will allow me to still have my hour with him as scheduled on a weekly basis, plus I pay a daily visit. This is a definite first to having normal working hours, but one thing about early hours, they were great! It would seem as if there was more of a day than there is now and this is great too. Adjusting is often the hard part, it's realigning what would have been done to a different time frame.

The Sun Shines

It was quite a day today, the other temps from some of the other agencies had gotten together and brought in a cake for my last day. That was such a beautiful gesture on their part. I've seen others go and never received anything like this when they left. It was so touching, as well as the goodbyes from the supervisors. If anything should ever happen and I'm in need of a job, all I have to do is call them and they will find me a spot with them. I jokingly told them that I will come and work on my days off with them.

I had two marriage proposals as well. I was a bit shocked on those. One from the agency I was with treated me to lunch and gave me a nice letter as well. And as the day came to an end, the lady next to me, I gave her my last two units for cleaning in the morning, they were a present since they had stickers on them. I told her when she grows to love what she hates doing she won't mind the stickers so much, and in that very sentence was also said in the same regard about those who we dislike, we grow to love them.

Rosa and I exchanged phone numbers, and she called me her amiga mia, her friend and I too said it as well. In time we will teach each other to speak each others language. I know one thing that was done when this day began at work, I prayerfully blessed each of them. I hope that whatever happens in their lives, that somehow I may have touched theirs in a faithfilled way. There were no tears but only happiness as I continue my journey in life.

The Sense of it All

I had the urge to go to the Chapel yesterday all morning long, so when lunch came, I went. I came across a man I know as I approached the Chapel. We hugged, he told me of his seeing Jesus on his wall about a year ago. I was so thrilled for him, the joy that I felt was tremendous for this person. Well anyway, we exchanged stories so fast. I was able to show him my pictures of the Eucharist and he was able to see what Jesus wanted him to see. So our visit to the Blessed Sacrament was not very long because our chat took up some of the time. It turned out to be a wonderful day because of faith sharing.

We shared our experiences and I told him about my discernment on the Religious Life, now that I think about it, he is single and probably being called himself. I don't think he realized that, even though he had said I was. Is God calling loud enough for us to be his. It's amazing how he is doing things to let people know he loves them.

There was something interesting that Steve said, it was his thought on the end of times and how the signs are drawing us to it. I didn't respond to it, because I don't know if that is truth or not. I don't think any of us do. But being smart and paying attention to what is around us. Sometimes we have misjudged places, things and people so it would be safe to say it is best not to say at all. Only God knows!

Well that's all for this morning before I head out the door for a day of work and prayer. I pray for all of you to have a blessed day today.

Work

I didn't sleep very well last night. Considering I worked until 10:30 p.m. and found out need to be at work for 7 a.m. But it was something said to me at work about being alone for the day that had me not in a frame of mind that would put me to sleep comfortably. I've only been there a week and not very fast or comfortable about procedure as yet. This job is demanding to say the least, it doesn't pay very well for all the running and hard work that has to be done. I'm grateful to be working, but I can now understand why there is such a high turnover in these places. Why it is so difficult for them to find good help. I think that's why high school age kids end up working in these places. They only have themselves to support, meager at it's best.

Well anyway the lack of sleep has me feeling out of sorts. All I can do is ask for God's strength to see me through the day without falling on my face. There are days that I wish I had the stamina to climb the highest mountain and do the impossible. Yet all we can ever do is get up and be grateful to see another day, to smile and thank God for life. No matter how little we get or how very much it is with thankfulness for the gift of life. And all we can ever do is live it well and in his love.

Sleep

Hear the angels sing and listen to what they say. I had that again in my sleep, along with knowing that I am watched over. That's good to know upon waking. Yesterday we found out at work the girl I was giving a ride home, quit.

It was a quiet day yesterday, reflecting. There is so much noise in such a semi-small room. I prayed all morning. There is something to be said about having your every move watched and every word repeated to others at work. It's not pleasant when a person is the topic of conversation.

It's funny when you walk by and they turn red in the face, well anyway at least it's not someone else. I don't mind that they do, I look at it this way someday they will be under the microscope themselves, not by people but by our Maker. We all come to judgement at the end and it's how we treat others in the process that determines how we fare. If I did my part right then there is nothing to worry about.

I think also when you go through a temp agency it is jobs that don't do drug or alcohol tests and the results are people with addictions that work in these places. I never know each day how each one is going to be. One day this one is high and talkative and the next day brooding and mean. It's amazing and often difficult to comprehend. But life isn't easy for some of them either. And they also don't have God on a personal level either.

Today is Friday and now I too understand why we thank God for this day.

Life

Vespers was nice tonight. James fixed my crucifix pin with a post in back of it. It is a small Dominican crucifix to wear on a lapel.

Work was okay, had a few rough spots when something was said by a coworker. I was told I took it the wrong way and that I'm too sensitive. But when people joke and basically put you down when joking, they usually aren't joking. I haven't reach this age without learning a few things. And I will be the first to admit when I am wrong about it too.

The one I give a ride home to, when she is troubled or uptight, she comes to me and takes my hand. There was a time when I gave her a hug when she was troubled, and later she told me something nice happened. So after she told me that I told her anytime she is hurting to come hold my hand, or ask for a hug. Today she told me I'm the only one who she lets hug her. It's nice, and her children are adorable. But today it was her turn to ask me if I needed a hug, and yes I did! We talk after work on the ride home. There is one thing in life I learned is not being afraid of what you say to another, even if they repeat it to someone else. In the long run they hurt themselves. I like being a nice person, and I pray that I can continue to be this way when people try to change you.