Painful Moments

Discovering imperfection is not easy, my mom explained how medicine can affect how we perceive different things. The past few days while doing the rosary in the evening, my dads voice has been monotone to the point that it was beginning to irritate my senses as we were progressing. I didn't understand how the chemotherapy has affected not only my stomach with nausea but my senses as well. I have grown concerned and very apologetic over the odd behavior that has come about. I have prayed for patience in a time when my patience is thin from illness and not feeling very well, I have prayed for more love for my parents as I struggle each day trying to hold down what little is in me of food and concern over what is happening physically. I pray that each time nothing dire will happen but find it pointless as the body will go through what it has too.

I ask God's constant pardon and forgiveness when I can't comprehend why it is all happening. I read the Bible and seek guidance to find verses that proclaim curses and I want to cry out why, why, why. Nothing at this time is familiar to me as I wage this battle with the body. The bathroom has become my best friend and so has my bed for comfort as I lay there praying to take it all away or aid me as I try to deal with it all. These are my painful moments as my belly becomes painful with spasms. I don't want to call the doctors and bother them unless it's dire. But today it became so when nothing would stay down and then the low grade temp sets in. I don't know how some people actually deal with it all when confronted with so many obstacles and keep their head about themselves along with their faith.

As I sit here and let out these moments of grief I look at the best picture of them all, that of Jesus to be my constant strength, his look of love says it all for me and I continue to plod along and hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Slacking

It seems I've been getting behind on writing on this blog and I do ask those who follow your forgiveness. We are in the season of Lent and adjustments are being made to make needed changes in what I do daily. Such as less time on facebook, especially the game part which really does take up alot of time. I've noticed that I began to read less of the important stuff. Material that would nourish my soul and provide upkeep with my faith.

Then this morning I received an email from my cousin Trish about an article on forgiveness that I found pretty good. A timely reminder regarding many areas we all are afraid to look deeply into. Amazing how God works too, since this mornings reading was about Nineveh and repentance. Forgiveness is also a call to conversion of heart to come back to God. I began writing this early this morning and put it aside as I left for Mass. Just before going, my mom asked if I could ask our parish Priest to come over so she can go to confession at his convenience.

She went to have foot surgery yesterday and due to a problem with her heart, it was cancelled. She is home and very tired, any exertion is a struggle. I don't know her thoughts, but when I saw her this morning she wanted to cry. Please keep both my parents in your prayers. Forgiveness has a away of making itself present or the need to seek it. No matter what we do in our lives, there are many moments that speak loudly in our conscience for forgiveness whether it's giving it or asking, it's a call to do it. Don't hesitate to seek it and never hesitate to ask it of your neighbor or to offer it to another. God truly wants to be part of our lives if only we let him in and that must be done by asking his forgiveness as well.

Light Within

It is a joy to live in our Lord's footsteps. Living in imitation of his ways and letting the Word be a source of strength. It's like a Breath of Heaven. Whenever I ponder the daily Gospel I am always struck anew with it. There is a lot of truth to God's Word. When many things began to come about in my life, His Word began to come alive. How can it be possible to find life in God's Word, easy when we open our minds, hearts and souls to it. When we actually die to what the world offers each and everyday. To make a conscious choice to follow Jesus and God's Word in our life. It is then that we have put God first in our life.

His will is very important to living life in Him, we will not go wrong when we live such a way. After all, He wants the very best for us and for that to happen we need to turn ourselves over to His care. He provides everything that we need in our day to live. And our argument with Him is always seeking more than we need. When I died to myself I found that I only wanted to seek His Will above my own. To want what He wanted rather than what I wanted or needed. I turned to Him in all that I do. Not a moment in my day goes by without Him in thought. After all He is my treasure, He is the love of my life and I love others just as equally. It is His abundant love for me that enables me to love in such a way. Just as His forgiveness is great, so should my forgiveness be also to those who need my forgiveness as much as I need theirs.

He teaches us so much yet we never seem to put it into play in our lives. Why? Are we afraid that once we die to ourselves we won't have life anymore. Not in the same way, but in a much better way our life becomes lighter and buoyant. In a sense we begin to shine as the sun that shines within us. Imagine that.

Special Graces

A first Mass for a newly ordained Priest, what a blessing it is. I went to one yesterday after working all morning. Unfortunately I couldn't be at his ordination but I could at his first Mass. It was held in my Parish. It was beautiful and God has given us another to bring people to his side. Those who came lined up for Father's blessing after the Mass. When I went up Father remembered me and that made me smile. He said I should smile always, it's true too. Just as praying always is a must in order to keep that smile alive in my heart.

I do forget to do that on occassion as thoughts begin to invade and then my heart feels heavy. It is when prayer is said and thoughts are brought back to focus upon our Lord that I find the light in my heart becoming brighter and the heaviness dissipates. How possible that prayer can do so much. Just as the misery of others can spread it's darkness and touch us when we are unprepared, that is when we need to pray in an instant without thought to ourselves but for them. It is also in forgiving that we find peace as God forgives us always. We may be children of God but we often persecute our neighbor and judge them without thought to the damage we do to our own souls.

When I was on retreat I took a walk with another person, but as I looked at them I saw something that had me think and when I was about to place that thought in thought, a voice called my name and said "do not judge," and instantly I asked forgiveness and was glad that intervention came to mind. It was strange because I don't judge others but yet as I looked the thought was there. How little we realize that we do judge unknowingly and place our souls in jeopardy. I have become accustomed to not judge yet I have found as I grow closer to our Lord and he directs my path I discover that I falter at times. I fall and grow and pick myself up again with God's help and continue with a better understanding of his ways. Walking with him is the only way to be happy and fulfilled. He is the way after all.

A Step

Reading the Gospels always brings home to me my sinfulness. I try to live my life loving those around me. There are times when my life would fly before my minds eye and I see a wretched person in need of God's loving kindness. I erred many times and many times I learned a hard lesson on forgiveness. And it always is from the very depths of my soul that I cry the hardest for the loss of life lived in God. If I could ever change what goes wrong in the world it would be the way we live out our lives without God in it. The way we disregard his presence in our lives and ignoring that small voice that says, don't do that, it will harm you. We don't always understand what that means, but it is the harm done to a soul when sin enters it. But this is the lesson in my life I have learned and the forgiveness I was given. Not everyone forgets about God, I know I didn't, but I didn't do as he asked either. And I do my best to forgive myself for hurting him the most. I love Him with all my heart, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Recordare

When I read today's reading I was reminded of the time I had gone to the Chapel before I received my Eucharistic miracle. I remember clearly how sorrowful I was for my sinfulness and the desire to never sin again. For a week straight I cried tears of deep sorrow that came from the depths of my being. My repentance was not one that was mediocre but full out and out sorrow.

I had at one time made a promise that I never kept and when I made that promise again, I found myself so unworthy because God has always been by my side and has always kept his promise to us, the people. My promise was to go to either Mass or to the Chapel every day. I made that one a long time ago. So when I was at the Chapel a few years ago and giving my deepest sorrow I made the promise again. But this one I have kept with a few occasions that were missed.

What was truly important is the sorrow that gives us the forgiveness when we are truly sorry from our hearts,minds and soul. The other is about keeping our promises because God keeps his. I didn't seek a sign when I received his grace it was time for me to come full circle. I have found that at times when I feel overwhelmed because I am reminded of my sinfulness that is when I know from the depths of my heart that God's love and forgiveness is the greatest treasure a repentant sinner can ever receive. And from there it is to live a life without going back to the way we were, which was sin.

I think the key is once we repent and receive the grace to sin no more then we should strive all the harder to keep ourselves in a sinless state. More or less to keep ourselves holy.

Snow

I woke to see beautiful snow on the ground and gracing the trees. Snow is always so pretty after it freshly falls, it makes everything look so pure and clean. The way the world should be.

We had a conversation yesterday about the earth and money. How it would be a different world if there wasn't any money to cause so much hardship among the people. They had said that without it, the wars would end, people would stop killing and being jealous and-so-forth.

And the same thing about those brought up in the city. This guy from Jamaica had said that the difference in women brought up in the city and the one's in the country are different. He had said that the women in the country side are brought up better with better values. While the women in the city are fast, loose and often cruel. And this is from a young man who it seems has many women.

It's funny because I had a talk about morals recently with them. It never goes over too well. Just like gossip and how we handle it. I have made comments in the way of faith and how we should not be and it still doesn't stop it but hopefully it makes them think.

In our many conversations throughout the day I have spoken about faith, the commandments, moral issues. I'm not afraid to speak about God or how we go about killing the children. I've even spoken about my own personal sin and how it can destroy a soul. That is an error we should never commit, especially when we love God.

I think about my family and the sacrifices they have made for us kids, and when we did something to hurt them how they in the goodness of their hearts have forgiven us. And I recall God's own forgiveness with me and his love in spite of my hurting him and breaking one of his commandments. And he does forgive and he heals us when we forgive ourselves.

If I didn't go through a beautiful experience then I would have a hard time with it. And now more than ever that I have truly understood the depth of his love and how he is teaching me his ways I can say this. There has been so much to understand and he gives it so we can live deeply in his love.

He gave me something special to allow me to live life the way it should be lived, in harmony with his will. That no matter what crosses I bear he is with me. And in it all I listen to him for he is the way, the truth and the life.

It makes sense

I think it's about time I start looking to find a new Spiritual Director. Since Sister is no longer mine and has moved on to another job, she did give me another persons name should I choose this person.

I originally started out with a Priest who is a distant family relation, but was told by a Nun that it wouldn't be a good idea to have someone close like that. It's tough too because he is a very busy Priest.

I was thinking about this the other day, how I need this. Not just for direction but for guidance and help in understanding somethings that aren't understandable at times. Now all I have to do is find the card with her name on it and make an appointment. How else does a person choose a director, especially one who understands the mystical.

There are times I wonder and now more than anything when I reflect it is with a greater understanding, because it has taken much time to learn the desires of God's heart. There is an understanding that when he transforms some it is in an instant and others it is a gradual process. I know there has been much with my life, but there was many things that have been going on way before my miracle of the Eucharist. As time has gone on I began to see it all come together. More and more has made sense. And I'm deeply thankful for it too. There has been so many gifts and struggles to understand, but the biggest part of it all is God's forgiveness. It is great and his love knows no bounds.

Good Day

I wrote about something this morning that I heard on the TV yesterday. I didn't get to think too much about it until now. I had put it out of mind. So when I did get a chance to reflect I had to think about the many words I have gotten. But during all the time, I never once really thought of any of it as revelation. I would often wonder what some of them meant regarding my life. But then when I thought back it had more to do with Jesus' life, birth and death. As if this was his way of saying to me, yes I am real, I did once live and died. I believed before, but now after thinking about more of this, it hits home to me more how truly wonderful he is. And I was in awe before.

I believed and yet he is giving me proof of his existence in a unique way. Does he do this for others? I don't know. All I know is that he does reveal himself to those who he calls to be either a religious life or to witness to his grace.

I was just thinking, should he come, would he find any faith in this world. Should he come knocking upon our hearts would he find any room for him in there. Would he find a heart swept clean of filth? Yet we have such a beautiful sacrament that helps us to reconcile ourselves to God. And it's one that is the least used by so very many people. But I am not the one who should be pointing out the beam in others eyes when I too may have a beam in mine. I try my very best to use the sacrament of reconciliation at least once a month. For me it is recommended to do so as a Lay Dominican.

It is a beautiful sacrament that when we do not hold back we reap a fuller appreciation of God's forgiveness. Why did I touch on this, it was part of a conversation I had with another that brought this to mind. It was about sin and how we teach. Reformed sinners it seems know where they err and as a penitent try to steer others from committing the same sin or any sin at all. But each of us are different and some are open to learning, while others are closed.

I love to learn new things as it allows me to grow as a person. No matter what, I am never too old to learn and going to school had showed me that. The openness to receive a better understanding of life, of God, of myself.

God's arm

I slept this morning it was so peaceful a sleep too. I woke up late though. When I was doing today's reflection there was a sentence that struck me, it was "He has shown the strength of his arm" Luke 1:51. When I felt my arm was not my own the other day and feeling a hand guiding mine, and I read this in today's reading I was in awe of His presence in my life.

Just as our Blessed Mother can say, how can it be, yet with God everything is possible. There is no doubt of his love. He is goodnes, he is love, never doubt that about God. Some tend to think he is cruel and destroys. But as I told one person at work when she asked me of the poor countries and the death, how can God do such a thing. Well we are to help aren't we those less fortunate, and the only way God can get them this help is to unite us in such a way to make it possible. It brings us together in faith, and it brings about help to the area that is suffering. This was my explanation, not necessarily the way of God's plan and what happens when disaster strikes. I don't know his plan or the why things happen. It is my assesment after all.

We all have opinions as to why things happen in the lives of many. Why people die cruel deaths or are hurt and abused for the sake of anothers pleasure. But we all forget we have free will, and we also forget the special gift of forgiveness and love.