The Art of Prayer

One thing I am grateful for is prayer, especially the Rosary to our Blessed Mother. No matter what we go through in our lives it is a blessing to be able to do this wonderful set of prayers. She brings comfort and hope in our everyday life. It's a beautiful way to start the day and a beautiful way to end it. I also enjoy speaking with Jesus and God most of all. I often ask the Holy Spirit to guide on my way. I know lately my blog has been part in focus of my recent situation along with my faith as well and my insecurities regarding my others issues that concern me. I have surrendered it all to our Loving God.

I went for an injection today after having chemotherapy yesterday. This injection will help boost my white blood cells so they will not go down, hopefully and not end up back in the hospital neutropenic. This injection can cause some discomfort or mild pain in the bones as it aids the bone marrow to produce the white blood cells. One thing I didn't expect was to have to learn all about this disease of cancer and all that it entails, but that is why prayer is so tantamount when we come across obstacles that mar the way in life.

One thing for sure that I do know of is that Jesus is my best friend in all the world. I know he would never hurt me or cause me suffer in any extreme way. It is only my sin that would cause the anguish and anxiety for not trusting enough to let go and let God do his will in my life. I pray constantly for strength to always do his will and to seek our Blessed Mothers blessing with all my heart and soul for her constant love. Let our blessed Mother be your guide as well and pray to her daily. Don't forget to also pay our Lord a visit in the Tabernacle or Blessed Sacrament at any Adoration Chapel and speak to him from your heart and let him speak back.

Waiting Game

I saw my doctor yesterday and was told no work for another two weeks to aid in healing after removing the breast expander because the chemotherapy will bring my immune system down. When I walked my dog Oscar on the road yesterday I had a delightful visit when my Human Resources person was driving by. We had a chat and a hug and I nearly broke down and cried because of being away from work for so long.

I would not have thought it was going to be this long a road already, but I have to remind myself I have other health issues that mar the way. I wanted to believe that all was going to go well but I was only lying to myself in that regard. I have kept a positive outlook about it all and then reality sets in and the tiredness envelopes me. I want to be able to go out and not feel tired, to go and see places and do so much for God and his kingdom. Yet, as I sit here typing this I have to realize that I am doing something wonderful for his kingdom by bearing witness to what transpired since the end of 2003. The remarkable visit I received and also the vision of Jesus in the Eucharist with the pictures as proof.

What I love the most is the one picture that was taken and was captured as a film is seeing him talk via the video. When I took a walk in the woods as I used to and then pausing for reflection looking off into the distance, I thought about this grace that was given and I thanked him for choosing me among the many in the world to be one of his witnesses. It may have taken me years to overcome so much in the way of battling the evil one and the many attempts to stop me from talking about him and showing his face to others. St. Michael has been a tremendous support along with out Blessed Mother to aid me in the battle.

God is love in every sense of the word, he provides so much even when we don't often see it. He conquered my heart and made me his, he accepted my human failings and gave me his undying love. I love God with all my heart and soul, I just cannot do enough for him to say thank you and show my gratitude for what he has done for me.

On a Good Day

I have begun to see how much I have changed in regards to caring for my diabetes. On my recent visit with my Doctor I had some more weight loss along with better A1C numbers. Now that the expander is out I can hope that things will go more smoothly regarding chemotherapy. Hopefully I will not have anymore down time after I am allowed back to work after this minor setback.

All in all I have been given some special time to focus upon health and my spiritual wellbeing. A time that has given me moments of reflection and at times consolations. It also has brought our family closer together. With my brother having gone through his own personal death and back to life, my sister with her back surgery and a new birth in the family, we have grown closer and more caring about each other. I have to say that my younger sister has been a rock for me. She listens to me when I hurt and she has gone with me when I was unsure and been my fortress. God is good when he gives us family that help us along the way. Just as he is when we falter and fall flat on our face, he picks us up and nudges us on the way. He forgives those transgressions out of love. He gave us his only Son to bring healing to a wounded world filled with hate and anger and sin. So why have people thrown God so far away from themselves and from our day to day worldly living. Don't they realize what good he does for all of us. He showed us His Face many times and still we mock and curse him.

Only You

It's been quite a day with an early morning start with the procedure to remove the breast expander. It went well and now I have again another drain to collect unwanted fluid. I'm not to do a single thing other than rest and no lifting more than 10-15 lbs. I used my holy water this morning making the sign of the cross on my forehead before surgery. No fear if anything I was at peace.

In this journey I have met some incredible people, a few who have also survived breast cancer. Those people call me sister and give me a hug of love. It is a different world when one has something that could be easy or devastating. Many are fortunate to survive and get through so much and then others encounter difficulties. I look at some of mine as stepping stones along the way, learning about each step and finding that each time I still smile and laugh with those around me and let God and the Holy Spirit be my guide.

Like moments sitting outside and looking at the trees and feeling a breeze gently touch my skin and somehow I know they are present at those times. It's the way the trees move or the branches because they look playful in the moments and I think, Dear God, thank you for being there and letting me know you love me. In those moments I feel absolutely special beyond compare. Those little God moments that lift up our heart to a higher level.

I love to sit and just be with our Lord in this way or when listening to the hawks chirp in the trees as sit there. I know the young ones are up there and they are talking with each other. Last week a Hawk was under a tree and as I watched I saw it lift something long from the ground. I didn't quite grasp what it was until the second time it lifted it up, it was a dead snake and a big one to boot. The bird was lifting it, as if to say look what I caught for you. I tried to get a picture but when I was aiming to take the picture, it went up into the tree with its prize.

There are so many moments throughout the day that I appreciate Gods love for me and what he showed me about his son Jesus and the Holy Spirit and the Throne in those pictures of the Eucharist of Jesus and the ones of the Lamb. If I thought they came from another source, I would not have had the grace to have received communion and have the host come alive on my tongue pulsing, large and heavy on several occasions. That alone reinforced what was given.

Vocations

Not long ago we had dinner with Father Plasse after my recent procedure. We talked about vocations and how I still feel the call to the Religious life. But in light of what has been happening with my body, he mentioned it was no longer possible for me to pursue it. I then stated that maybe it was meant for me to be where I am with the Third Order.

I have been wondering why I was given this strong desire and not the opportunity to see it come about if it is what God seeks of me in the first place. When I had that moment of deep knowledge for the love of contemplation, I had a hard time believing in what was occuring in this knowing. Lately, with all that has been going on I have wondered if I had missed the opportunity by dragging my feet and if He took it all away from me for my stupidity.

As I have been recovering, I have taken the time to watch some videos that tell of the life of St. Bernadette of Lourdes and saw how much God and the Blessed Mother have given to special souls who love them. Then I began to see how much in these years I have re-learned about faith and the church. The catechism that was buried deep within and about myself. I had to realize I needed to grow in many ways in order for me to be able to speak about the gift I received without fear of what others think. It no longer matters as long as I know deep in my heart the truth of what occured and what was given to me. The pictures of the Eucharist I took and what is miraculously on them about what I saw and what God chose to show are mine and they are amazing because they show the Face of Jesus and so much more. Proof that was given to me of his undying love for me and all the world, to show me His Face that he exists above all else.