October 22, 2011

One More Time

Hopefully this coming Tuesday everything will go well with the reconstruction surgery. Having already gone through several in these past few months this one coming up will be the longest. I don't know why I worry about the little stuff, I haven't seemed to get it out of my system as yet. I shouldn't have to worry about my parents, but I do. They will be the ones who will have to do everything after I get home from the hospital. I feel bad because it has really taken a toll on them both with me having gone through so much already and being home and not being much of a help.

Sometimes we argue over the stupidest things when under the influence of chemo drugs. I have noticed as time goes on and the stuff is not as heavy in my blood, the difference is remarkable. Amazing how chemicals can affect a persons body and mind as well. It kills so much that is fast growing that I wonder if it let in evil and destroyed the good. But the soul should not have been affected at all. I think in a different way it has by being taken over by the illness that has made the body physically weak and where once the desire and drive to know more of God and all that pertains to HIS life has taken a back seat due to lack of being able to read or do much else for that matter.

I know when I was going through so much the struggle to walk was difficult because of always being short of breath when going short distances. I think because of having been so ill that I lost part of something wonderful when I couldn't focus on much. This whole year has been a trial and an eye opener. I sometimes see myself as not a good person and I always seek improvement. I strive very hard to be good and I seem to fail at it miserably. At least on those occasions when I get to go to confession then I feel rejuvenated and set free.

Sometimes my thoughts go into overdrive and I wonder why I can't seem to say the right things or do the right thing at the right moment. Or let anger take control when I am not in control of myself. At those times I have found prayer eludes me, yet my conscience truly goes into high gear. I think at those times it becomes a never ending battle. I often wonder how Jesus would handle things and I have to remind myself that he too had gotten angry, maybe for not the same reasons and that's when I have to remember the difference and remind myself I am human and make mistakes. I cannot say there is a justifiable reason for loosing control of oneself even when under the influence of sickness. That would be like driving a car and loosing control and saying it's okay for hitting that person when not in control of your vehicle. Sometimes and maybe too many times we all make excuses for what happens in our life and fail to take the blame for it. I know in my heart that many times I am to blame and I will admit it. I try very hard to not invite excuses into the way I act or do things in life.

I will admit that I do put off doing things until the last moment and I try to not do that. I think that's why this blog is not going too far. Besides it mostly is a journal of sorts about my faith, life and what I have witnessed. Except, since I have been undergoing much with breast cancer it kinda became a source for me to vent in a way. I try not to vent about what bothers me and even then I fail to recognize it when I do it. I don't try to be negative about issues but see the positive about it all. I do apologize if I have made people uncomfortable with this blog and writing about my feelings and hurts.

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