October 01, 2011


Since getting out of the hospital, I have seen my Oncologist and Nurse Practitioner three times and another appointment coming up. When I saw my doctor on Friday she told me I have been very sick after mentioning that another doctor was booking a time in late October for the reconstruction. I didn't get to mention the time but she said no reconstruction because of being so ill, my body will not be able to handle the surgery at this time. Frightening to think that even after a month my body will not be in shape for surgery.

Thinking about all that has gone on and the trials and no benefits forthcoming it's easy to want to give in. I took stock of what I own and all I have to sell is a treadmill and airbike. I have nothing of value to ease my burden. I have to look at this in God's perspective, that he wants me to be poor in spirit and live the beatitudes. I can't say I'm doing a good job of it when I want to rail at God and make me better to be able to support myself and take care of my needs. The pitfalls of being of single, but it doesn't matter anyway since I get taken advantage of by those who have. Even when I got my car they I got suckered. I'm not upset, I just figure I must have to pay for some sort of sin. I am a prime example of how God truly does take away and I suppose that is okay, someone needs to be an example. Then maybe when I die I will have overcome purgatory and will find my eternal home in heaven.

Because my recovery has taken so long and the shortness of breath I seem to be having had me thinking on the path of death, that maybe my body is just too tired. I lack energy even when I go up the stairs it is a chore and the shortness of breath has me wondering when my last is. These are my concerns and I offer them all up to a very loving God who I know will take care of me in his own way and not mine.

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