July 01, 2011

Don't Know Anymore

The other day when I went for my appointment I also obtained a possible return to work date as well. The doctors office wrote out a doctors note regarding this, so when I went to work and dropped it off, I'm not sure what to make of things. They were happy to see me but when I went to the HR and gave the note, I was looked at by this person in such a way that made me leery of her. She could not look me in the eye while talking, apologized for not returning my email. So I gave her a way out and blamed it on lots of work.

Today, I had a call from the social worker with oncology and I asked her a question regarding one of the treatments I will be getting, it may cause heart damage and she suggested I call the triage nurse and ask them. So I did, and I just received a call from the doctor regarding this issue. She will be changing the regimen with a different drug and it will be every three weeks instead and possibly up to six treatments rather than eight. I know originally she had mentioned when I first met her I would have 4 treatments every three weeks. I don't recall the drugs she may have mentioned, well anyway, she will be looking into why things were changed and was glad I questioned things regarding what damage may be done or not taking the drug. She reassured me that I will be okay.

I have had a chance to go through much of my stuff and clean out the junk. I didn't realize how bad things were until I began to tackle it. So much wasted time and space all because I was afraid to handle problems after loosing a job. Again this cancer seems to have brought about a change possibly for the better. Now it is putting it into practice and learning to forgive myself and others for situations that are beyond what is deemed normal. I pray to Jesus for the constant strength to get through each day and each rough spot that I encounter. I also have learned to not be afraid to speak with the doctors regarding my care. A problem I noticed that I never did speak candidly before with them. I am grateful for this time and for all the prayers that many are saying on my behalf. I don't get to visit others sites and read their loving words about our Lord and Blessed Mother as much as I would like. Those places are a balm for the soul and I have stayed away from them for fear that they would read what I write and think I was an evil person myself. Stupid thought! I am human and I hurt just like everyone else does.

Jesus too, hurt when he was alive. He took insults from others, he took a beating and was hung upon a cross to free us from our sins. Thank you Jesus for what you did, not just for me but for the whole world.

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