March 11, 2008

From a Question

Teresa_anawim2 from To Love and To Pray had asked a question in the comment section: That picture is a loud message that He is there with His Sacred Heart ..what does that picture mean to you? The Sacred Heart With the open arms? Great food for thought and contemplation each day during the trial of the obscurity of Faith! For one thing, the reaction I had was first of all, awe that it was there and everything else was burned to ash. The other was the very thought of his arms out stretched to me as if to say my arms are open wide. I'm here to hold you in them. The other thought I had, had to do with the heart in the picture and the community I spent sometime with recently. But as I began to ponder this tremendous gift, I realized how very much he let me know that it truly is and was him all along from the beginning. In order to understand that last sentence, one would have to know the depths of darkness I went through and the questions I raised. Questions about what I saw, the pictures I took, and so much more, the more that I felt invaded and nothing going right, I questioned it all. All because time and pay was being lost again. I hurt so much about it all, that if my thoughts could have been heard, it was not pretty hearing. The why of suffering, not only of myself but of the many people who suffer from illness, abuse, disease, hunger and thirst to name a few.

When I began to clean out my room and of the stuff that was taking up useless space, I also went through much of what I collected of religious stuff throughout the years. Wondering why I have kept it all when it is just sitting in a drawer not being used. I don't know if any female out there has ever tried to destroy an old boyfriends picture or get rid of the stuff that was given them when they broke up. But now that I recall something an old boyfriend once said to me about me throwing his stuff out on the lawn if we ever had a fight. Funny but I never did that to my ex-husband. Well anyway, I think I was trying to do that because I was all alone and something was happening and I began to worry about my survival. I felt he wasn't there for me and watching over me. When trials seems to happen a lot it doesn't always give a person a sense of security. It's like getting a beating. And the only thing that has kept me strong was my love for God and the love he gave me by giving me his self, what I saw.

Every attempt at making him known and shown I have undergone so much afterwards. I began to wonder why is it happening. All those questions just unfolded in thought that day and when I began to burn the papers, and taking those mementos and throwing them in the fire as if they didn't exist. Well the result was he wanted to be kept, but he also gave me a big, big answer to those questions. It's not only to continue to trust in him, but that it was him in the first place when I first saw him. The Sacred Heart, the most precious heart of all is my home. Should Jesus no longer exist, then neither would I exist. His heart is what keeps mine alive. Right now I have the saved picture of Jesus tacked up on the wall. I think I will be putting it in a picture frame for safekeeping. I never thought to not put a pin hole in the picture to hang it up, slap myself upside the head for that. It didn't have a pin hole before I threw it in the fire, that came after when I tacked it to the wall. I was just so happy that he gave it back to me intack as testimony.

It was a weekend of desolation and consolation and one heck of a dark night of the soul that I personally do not want to go through again. I just praise God for getting me through it and while the work at work is slow and time and pay is lost, I know that Jesus is there keeping me strong. And that's what counts.

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