October 30, 2006

I'm unable to sleep since so much seems to be weighing heavily upon my heart. Today at Mass, the homily had a something in it that had me thinking. It had to do with when we have God things flourish and basically financialy everything is good. I have looked back to the day when things began to change, plus at a time when I was on my own.

Life is not mine right now, it is in the hands of my parents, where everything comes from them and from there it comes from God. I never felt so completely broken as I did when I heard that homily. I feel eaten alive, as if what God is doing is not preparing me for a new way of life, but taking it away because I was not as good as I believe. Yet in my thoughts I can't help recall the good that I did.

Honesty about ourselves is the hardest thing. I feel bad that I had a year of school that has not produced any good fruit. I feel bad that for the past three years of teaching CCD it has gotten worse instead of better. Right now I am evaluating my life and what treasure I have, what talent I have and the time that is ever prevalent.

I really am finding I am weak when it comes to discipline, but I also found that I have a wealth of patience. I mean that when they are all just yaking up a storm, the assistant that helps me gets angry because they are not respectful. So this heavy weight I am shouldering along with everything else that is pilling up, because I have had my head buried in the proverbial clouds. I have lived three years with an abundance of learning, but the learning had to do with faith, and God's hand touching mine teaching me about a gift. His gift of love.

I know this began in a sort of way that was negative, without meaning to be that way, but as I began to write and release my soul, my anguish, it is in this I am finding my strength as well as my weakness. They say journaling is good for the soul, yes it is. When we release what bothers us.

I had a few days that were not on the good side, because I was chewing on too many things at one time. I don't want to quit teaching even though I know it is not meant for me to be one. I want to find that job that will alleviate the burden that is placed on my families shoulders temporarily. I want to have energy to conquer each day and see things through without worry. I would love more than anything to have my diabetes on an even keel. I have found that when my sugar runs amuk, I feel drained. And this bothers me too. I walk to help it come down to a normal level but even that is not enough.

My God, there are days when I put myself so deeply into his hands. And days when I feel so alone. As if my thoughts and prayers have no meaning. And then I try all the harder to be ever more faithful. I just talk to him and let him have all that I have. And if he has taken it all away then I deserve it, for not being an obedient servant to him. I pray with all my heart to have any negativity to be removed from my thoughts, from my heart, from my soul so I may serve him better. I pray for forgiveness for not having more zeal. I want to shout to the world He's alive. Are my ears blocked too, am I also blind to what is truly going on. Father forgive me for my weaknesses. Dry my tears, restore joy to a bleeding heart. Mend the holes that are gaping wide. Help me to remove what does not belong to you.

I bow to you and give over to you all that I cannot hold any longer, I lay them at your feet in hopes that my yoke may be lighter. I pray that your light will invade the darkness that creeps around at times. I pray for the world that they too may find peace. But most of all thank you for letting me be honest.

10 Words of Wisdom:

Gabrielle said...

Marie Cecile, I kind of hope you misunderstood, because it seems to me if a Catholic priest or deacon said that if we love God we will "flourish" financially, that would be absolutely ridiculous. We all know it isn't so, and the Catholic Church has never preached the Gospel of Prosperity.

But when I look at today's Responsorial Psalm, I am reminded of you. You "delight in the law of the Lord", you "meditate on his law day and night", and you will also yield your fruit "in due season", even beyond what you have already given to so many.

Anonymous said...

I remember going through something similarly exhausting, with absolutely no consolation but faith. He was, as it turns out, preparing much for me. As well as was preparing me. Also, He was making it possible for others to help me, but while doing so, they received the love of my two children.. oh gosh, in retrospect, I am astounded at what He did, it had reached so far, so wide, and was so rewarding. It took a while, and there came that second-guessing.. but resignation, ultimately. Like Job's.

Truly..for every sigh of 'night', He gave recompense a hundredfold.

Peace and blessings, little sister,
Honora

Marie Cecile said...

Gabrielle, thank you for your words of wisdom.

Marie Cecile said...

Honora,

Thank you for sharing with me your trial. I have no children so it is hard for me to discipline them or to know what their needs are. But I have come to a decision and I have found peace out of it.

Thank you so much for the blessings

forget me not said...

When I taught Catechism I was considered the best teacher by the kids, because I was so weak with them, barbaric hordes that they were. My superiors cringed, but I loved those kids, and we shared some exceptional experiences, things that no other group had done before or since. I did not fit into the mold dictated by others. I was not very good at "talking" about Christ. I was wanted to show them where He lived. He was not in the text book, but rather out in the streets, among the poor, the sick. And ultimately on death row.

But the orthodox method of teaching was not for me and ultimately I accepted that. My life took a different turn since then. It brought me among the poor, the immigrants. I was one of them, being a foreigner myself. I knew what it meant to cry tears of homesickness, to dream of family every night, to try to breathe in any fragrances that reminded me of home. To be overwhelmed with happy tears when my mom would stuff some autumn leaves into an envelope and mail them to me. You see, we go through passages, phases. We do what is asked of us at that time. It doesn't mean it has to be forever. When it's time to move on, do it with a light heart, because it's the Lord who's taking you where He wants you. Bless you Marie Cecile.

Marie Cecile said...

Thank you forget me not, I almost choked on the "barbaric hordes," but made realize all of us go through some trying times teaching the faith. I'm glad you were liked very much by your students. Mine keep asking me if the other teacher is going to be there. She is my aide, but did teach before. She knows how to handle the kids and teach them. I have to give the kids credit they know a teacher when they see one. I think that's why one had asked me why I was teaching. I have a deep faith in God, but that still does not give them what they want, because they do not want to hear it from me.And with that realization, if they do not hear me nor will anyone else. Yet I can hope, this is just a handful of willful kids doing their best to get rid of what they rather not learn.

I saw this too when I was at school, If the students didn't like a teacher they made it difficult for them. And since I'm easy going they take advantage. And some of the problem may be from their peers.

forget me not said...

Most of them still stop and talk to me when I see them in the piazza, but I just hope they learned to love Jesus more in those who are in need...

Marie Cecile said...

forget me not, I'm glad that they do. It's nice that they remember you, then you had made a good impact on them. These trials are the hardest one's to go through at times. And you came through yours very well. God love you.

Paul Anthony Melanson said...

Omnia possum in eo qui me confortat.

- Phil. 4:13.

Marie Cecile said...

Paul thank you for this uplifting message, " I can do all these things in him who strengtheneth me. Phil 4:13" With him all things are possible when we listen and hear what he has to say. I believe in his strength.

God love you :)

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