July 07, 2006

Honesty never hurts

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm an embarrassment to others. Is my faith too strong? Is my faith too weak? Or am I not what people expect? I'm not a saint, and no matter how I strive to do God's will, I will never measure up in the eyes of the Church. I have sinned and did not lead and exemplary life. It is my loss though, not theirs. But then again it is their loss of me. As I was told recently, those hosts are finely etched, quite a deception on their part. Imagine others looking and wondering am I seeing this for real. How does one ask, anyway. I tried. But no matter what was said, the first time I know without doubt was blank and an image showed up. If for some reason after, the church decided to put something up there then it should have been made note of so others will not be deceived. But one thing for certain, the Lamb was quite alive for me. So it ends up as my own personal salvation. The other things that have gone on and happened are real also. But then I wonder, am I called to the religious life after all. What if I was being answered for something else entirely. What can I say, if the host is not real in what I see then I am not being called then. What I was given before was for something else, not for the church, but for me.

I am thankful it did not go to my head, this personal gift of the Eucharist. I am happy that he gave me a special part of himself. No one will ever take that away, that will always be a very special act of love. Like so many times I said, I was not important, only God is. Was I upset about what I found out, not really. All I thought was, gee I don't have to become a Nun after all. Besides they don't want me. And that's okay too. Rejection, is a way of life that makes my heart rejoice. Am I in a very unpeaceful state of mind. Sort of. I thank my friend for mentioning that in a comment. It made me realize to a point that I can not be effective if I am unsettled with God. Only with him can he restore what others have undone. And the memory of walking through God's Spirit will always restore a flagging heart.

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