Soulful Longings

Pain

2012-01-13T13:51:00.003-05:00

When a person is under the influence of pain there isn't much they want to do, at least for me that is true. I must say that healing is going very well at this time. The open wound has been steadily getting smaller for the past three to four weeks. What an improvement since the end of October of 2011, praise God for that. I haven't felt much like writing or even being on the internet in the past few weeks, even though I thought I would be back, I found myself basically contemplating about many things. Most of all I have enjoyed my dogs companionship when I haven't felt well. The pooch sensed when I was out of sorts and hurting more than usual he would stay even closer.

That reminded me of how much God and Jesus are truly close to us when we seem far away and out of sync because of illness. I began contemplating this closeness in a different way and found my prayers had also changed with this as well. It's as if I was discovering something new about how to pray. I also began to understand that everything happens in Gods time and not ours. When he wants things to be acomplished he makes it happen, not when we try to force the issue. I feel like I was recharged spiritually with this illness and this paticular time period. Maybe that is what I needed to learn with this illness. To discover a new depth of contemplation along with understanding how much God truly loves us all.

A Dog's Love

2011-12-16T09:15:00.002-05:00

I have been sleeping in a chair recliner since I've been home from the hospital. I have placed my laptop on a tv tray for easier use and comfort. Unfortunately as I have found out since being home and in this type of arrangement makes it nice for my dog to occupy most to all of my time.

He has taken every opportunity to lay on my lap while I'm reclining and or sitting. Talk about a dogs love! After being gone for more than a month I think he is making up for lost time. I love it! Except it also stops me from sitting and using the laptop on the tv tray so my time has been on when he is outside or playing with the other dog. Which he does his business fast enough to get back inside and back on my lap.

So my dream of getting back to writing was short lived for the time being. I have to put it this way, the dog knows better than I do the rest that I need and I suppose that is a good thing. No wonder God gave us pets to watch over us just as he gave us guardian angels to watch over and keep us safe at all times. I am forever grateful to God and Jesus for always keeping a close eye on me. More grateful for our Blessed Mother and her mantle of protection.

Woken Up

2011-12-10T10:18:00.002-05:00

Due to two sites in need of healing, the one that is abdominal is the most painful. Taking pain killers as an aid to keep from hurting too much has been a blessing. I was thinking the other night that I would need to wake up around three o'clock in the morning to take one before waking up completely and in severe pain.

Little did I know what to expect, usually I wake up without a problem and many times sleep through the loudest of noises. The other night there was such a loud clash of thunder that did wake me up and once I woke for a bit and took my meds the thunder had stopped. But the oddest part of the thunder was the feeling of anger in it as if to say how loud do I have to get before you wake up. I couldn't help feel as if God was a big part of the whole thing. I was so grateful to have been woken up at 3 a.m. it was amazing.

I think the best part was I had the feeling it was all orchestrated by our Heavenly Father out of his love. The thunder did not feel like normal thunder, I don't know how else to explain it. I just somehow knew it came from him.

Starting Over

2011-12-04T18:56:00.002-05:00

Back home from the hospital and hopefully the rest of the healing will be quick. It's been the toughest struggle of all but I gave it to God. I have found that prayers work best from the heart. Right now I am just getting back online and hopefully will be back to sharing faith on a regular basis. God bless you all and I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Heading to ReHab

2011-11-24T11:25:00.003-05:00

The good news is I will finally be able to leave the Hospital. I was told I will be going to a ReHab location tomorrow, just which one I am unsure of as yet.

Good news for me is I lost quite of bit of weight since this whole ordeal began. It feels good!! Hair is coming back a bit faster now too. I have I fall asleep like a drop of a hat which is disconcerting. That's why I haven't been on here too much or written. It seems whenever I start next thing I know I'm sound asleep and have lost track of what I was writing. I'm proud of myself to have stayed awake long enough to get this far. God is always on the front burner for me these days especially after have my fourth surgery since i've entered here on October 25th for my first one. Life is never boring as I have met Jan when she was in for her surgery recently. Luckily she has since been gone home and healing quite well.

Anyway, I feel the eyeballs about to drift closed so I will end here.

Healing

2011-11-14T19:06:00.002-05:00

It is a long stay in the hospital this time. Even though my laptop was brought I was not able to use it until I could move my arm and body much better. The pain has been horrendous and now some of the use of my left hand is down to a minimal. I am thankful to have gotten this far after having three surgeries since I've been in here and with another one when the wounds show a good enough healing to close up the breast.

I have met many wonderful Nurses and technical assistants. I have had an opportunity to use the hyperbariatric chamber to aid in my skin healing. It's like deep diving and unplugging the ears are quite the chore. Well anyway, hopefully tomorrow I can write some more. Please have a good night.

Laptop

2011-10-24T12:28:00.003-04:00

I was thinking of having my laptop brought to the hospital after the surgery, but what they are going to do will most likely render me incapable of picking it up for awhile. So that will make for several days with no posts until I get home and can sit infront of the desktop computer. My imagination at this time is down to nothing regarding what to post. I feel kinda blank at this time.

I think it has to do with having too much on the mind regarding this upcoming surgery. Good thing I have an excellent doctor that I trust and that is important. Then I can look forward to putting this time period behind me and making a fresh start. I have often wondered why did I have this illness come about at this time in life, but as with anything that goes on there is always a purpose in God's eyes. Maybe to wake us up to something that is going wrong in our lives or being on the wrong path and not doing what we should be doing.

Maybe to wake us up from ourselves and the situations in our lives, to place more trust in God and HIS son Jesus. I have often found that even though illness has struck it does not always mean that it is to remove darkness, especially if the heart is filled with light. But maybe to reveal something else that will improve our life. The posibility of having to change eating habits, or what we do for exercise or how we handle situations. All for the good if we manage to bring about the change that will aid in keeping the body strong just as God and His son Jesus keep our spiritual life strong.

Having had to ponder the way of things and to take a closer look at my own life and situation I have seen that my faith is truly strong. I have been to Mass recently and discovered that at the moment the Eucharist is broken and elavated, my heart soars and I feel a smile come upon my lips. It's not something I can make happen on its own because I tried that and it does not work quite that way. It is pure joy!! I am thankful for this gift. That alone speaks loudly of my love for Jesus and our Heavenly Father.

One More Time

2011-10-22T00:28:00.003-04:00

Hopefully this coming Tuesday everything will go well with the reconstruction surgery. Having already gone through several in these past few months this one coming up will be the longest. I don't know why I worry about the little stuff, I haven't seemed to get it out of my system as yet. I shouldn't have to worry about my parents, but I do. They will be the ones who will have to do everything after I get home from the hospital. I feel bad because it has really taken a toll on them both with me having gone through so much already and being home and not being much of a help.

Sometimes we argue over the stupidest things when under the influence of chemo drugs. I have noticed as time goes on and the stuff is not as heavy in my blood, the difference is remarkable. Amazing how chemicals can affect a persons body and mind as well. It kills so much that is fast growing that I wonder if it let in evil and destroyed the good. But the soul should not have been affected at all. I think in a different way it has by being taken over by the illness that has made the body physically weak and where once the desire and drive to know more of God and all that pertains to HIS life has taken a back seat due to lack of being able to read or do much else for that matter.

I know when I was going through so much the struggle to walk was difficult because of always being short of breath when going short distances. I think because of having been so ill that I lost part of something wonderful when I couldn't focus on much. This whole year has been a trial and an eye opener. I sometimes see myself as not a good person and I always seek improvement. I strive very hard to be good and I seem to fail at it miserably. At least on those occasions when I get to go to confession then I feel rejuvenated and set free.

Sometimes my thoughts go into overdrive and I wonder why I can't seem to say the right things or do the right thing at the right moment. Or let anger take control when I am not in control of myself. At those times I have found prayer eludes me, yet my conscience truly goes into high gear. I think at those times it becomes a never ending battle. I often wonder how Jesus would handle things and I have to remind myself that he too had gotten angry, maybe for not the same reasons and that's when I have to remember the difference and remind myself I am human and make mistakes. I cannot say there is a justifiable reason for loosing control of oneself even when under the influence of sickness. That would be like driving a car and loosing control and saying it's okay for hitting that person when not in control of your vehicle. Sometimes and maybe too many times we all make excuses for what happens in our life and fail to take the blame for it. I know in my heart that many times I am to blame and I will admit it. I try very hard to not invite excuses into the way I act or do things in life.

I will admit that I do put off doing things until the last moment and I try to not do that. I think that's why this blog is not going too far. Besides it mostly is a journal of sorts about my faith, life and what I have witnessed. Except, since I have been undergoing much with breast cancer it kinda became a source for me to vent in a way. I try not to vent about what bothers me and even then I fail to recognize it when I do it. I don't try to be negative about issues but see the positive about it all. I do apologize if I have made people uncomfortable with this blog and writing about my feelings and hurts.

Prayer To Saint Dominic

2011-10-21T10:31:00.002-04:00

God of Truth You gave Your church a new light
in the life and preaching of our Father Dominic.
Give us the help we need to support our preaching by holy and simple lives.
We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ,
your Son, who lives and reigns with You
and the Holy Spirit, God, forever and ever.

Amen.

A MARIAN PRAYER

2011-10-19T09:35:00.001-04:00

A MARIAN PRAYER
of the 11 TH CENTURY
(Source Unknown)

O Mary, you are inviolate,
pure and without stain,
you who became the glistening gate of heaven.
O most dear and gracious Mother of Jesus,
receive our modest songs of praise.

We beg you with heart and lips:
make our bodies and our souls pure.
By your sweet prayers,
obtain eternal pardon for us.
O Mother most kind!
O Queen!
O Mary!
Who alone remained inviolate!

Discovery

2011-10-13T09:07:00.002-04:00

I feel like there is void going on inside of me these past few days. I discovered that I have no words to write. I've searched and found nothing! Is this what they call quiet time? I am wondering since I had those words if I am to just be in the Here and Now and not worry about tomorrow or the next day.

I have discovered I do worry too much about mundane stuff. I've prayed to have this taken away from me or somehow not be as intense. I didn't realize I was doing it that much until I took note of it. Not an easy thing to do considering I have had nothing but time on my hands with recovering from this illness. I have discovered how truly imperfect I am and am very thankful for it too. I suppose at this stage in my life it is not easy not to worry, but that is something I really need to stop doing and let go and let God take over.

I want to cry because I have found that part is not easy as I had thought. I had given over and let go of so much already in my life to God and now I have found another part that needs to be given up. How do I begin the process, yet several days ago I did attempt that very thing. I don't have control of many things and it seems there is so much already in my life that I have found what I did control has been taken away from me. In a sense from what I see is Gods hand in purifying my life to make room for something better. Or to cleanse what did not belong. If I asked to have a clean mind, heart and body then this is his way of removing the blight that keeps him from being close.

I think I like the fact that God is pulling out all the stops to create in me a clean evironment for HIM to dwell in.

Here and Now

2011-10-07T14:49:00.003-04:00

While doing some research regarding my upcoming reconstruction I interiorly received the words "Here and Now" very faintly. I love when it comes across in a very faint and soft way. These words are from a song, a very beautiful one too.

Blessings

2011-10-05T10:03:00.003-04:00

Would it be possible to start this whole year all over again? Would the outcome be any different if I chose to have done things differently? As I have pondered these things I have come to the conclusion that it is part of God's plan in how it all turned out. Accepting HIS plan regarding how life has turned out can be an amazing thing. Looking at things in a positive way helps in keeping hope alive as things don't always go well at times.

Like trying to keep a log of blood pressure when the machine takes umpteen times to even record a pressure. That can be frustrating along with a painful arm from having to squeeze the daylights out of it to obtain a blood pressure reading. What makes matters worst is I'm only allowed to use one arm since they took out lymph nodes in the other. No blood draws or blood pressure from the left side. I sometimes wonder if my body has finally gone the route of dysfunctional.

The healing process is a very slow one for me. I am grateful when I hear how others have recovered wonderfully from beginning to end. Realizing how unique my situation is and how lucky I am to have been given this time to focus more on faith, love and hope along with being with my parents as they face their own difficulties with health. I see how caring for me has taken a huge toll on them and how tired they are during the day. Seeing my dad slowly doing less and seeing my mom worry over how he is doing. She keeps her spirits up knowing one day he will be gone from her, yet she doesn't let on how it affects her. I know it bothers me when I see my dad eat less and then doesn't want to walk or move around because of pain. How it seems as if he is wasting away not using his muscles. The elderly have a difficult life when they too are ill and not in shape to care for themselves.

I sometimes wonder how my mom does it without getting angry. Her faith is much more stronger than mine, even when she says to me my faith is very strong. I know this morning even though things aren't going so well I chose to remind myself that things will get better and looked forward to a brighter future if it is God's plan for my life. When my mom and myself have conversations, she always manages to say she would not trade places with me because of all that I have gone through with this cancer. She feels I have been through the proverbial ringer with this one. I must admit it has been quite an experience. If I had to go through it again, I would.

Well they say life is not easy and that's the truth. Loving God is easy when life goes smoothly but when the trials begin finding love for God can sometimes be difficult. Looking at our own relationships with our spouses, children or siblings sometimes we find love difficult when we don't feel good or feel slighted from those we love. Sometimes it's the same with God, we often ask if he is there when we are down. As much as we read and hear from others, that is when he is carrying us and is the closest. I know from this illness and treatment that I didn't always see things clearly or know how loved I was by others until it was pointed out.

I think that is why they stress keeping faith alive and strong when going through cancer treatments along with keeping a positive attitude can beat the odds. My hope for today is that others will see the love God has for them through the eyes of others. May those who read this today be blessed by another with a hug and a smile.

A Bit of Poetry

2011-10-01T13:57:00.003-04:00

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in the extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

By: Emily Dickinson

Example

2011-10-01T12:45:00.002-04:00

Since getting out of the hospital, I have seen my Oncologist and Nurse Practitioner three times and another appointment coming up. When I saw my doctor on Friday she told me I have been very sick after mentioning that another doctor was booking a time in late October for the reconstruction. I didn't get to mention the time but she said no reconstruction because of being so ill, my body will not be able to handle the surgery at this time. Frightening to think that even after a month my body will not be in shape for surgery.

Thinking about all that has gone on and the trials and no benefits forthcoming it's easy to want to give in. I took stock of what I own and all I have to sell is a treadmill and airbike. I have nothing of value to ease my burden. I have to look at this in God's perspective, that he wants me to be poor in spirit and live the beatitudes. I can't say I'm doing a good job of it when I want to rail at God and make me better to be able to support myself and take care of my needs. The pitfalls of being of single, but it doesn't matter anyway since I get taken advantage of by those who have. Even when I got my car they I got suckered. I'm not upset, I just figure I must have to pay for some sort of sin. I am a prime example of how God truly does take away and I suppose that is okay, someone needs to be an example. Then maybe when I die I will have overcome purgatory and will find my eternal home in heaven.

Because my recovery has taken so long and the shortness of breath I seem to be having had me thinking on the path of death, that maybe my body is just too tired. I lack energy even when I go up the stairs it is a chore and the shortness of breath has me wondering when my last is. These are my concerns and I offer them all up to a very loving God who I know will take care of me in his own way and not mine.

Sharing Faith

2011-09-26T08:09:00.003-04:00

Talk about having a tough time of things. I ended up back in the hospital on Wednesday when I went to the emergency room on the orders of my doctor because of a high fever and shortness of breath. But in the emergency room they found my blood pressure was fluctuating. At one point they were going to send me home but when it dropped they decided to keep me there and then placed me in the step down from icu unit, I was finally sent home on Sunday in stable condition, my blood pressure stopped dropping. Yet I still continue to make a low grade fever. My white cell count was very high so they also treated me for infection that they could not find. I suppose thats a good thing.

While I was in the hospital I met a Chaplain who I had the opportunity to show my pictures that are on my IPOD of the Eucharist and she mentioned she heard the story but now met me and I shared after she mentioned a lot more with her. I looked at the moment as God sending me that person who would understand.

Anyway, what a way to end chemotherapy!

Lessons

2011-09-20T13:46:00.003-04:00

How often do we read something that we can truly associate with. Well I have and this article titled Murder by Gossip is one that I can relate to. When I first began writing about my experience with the Eucharist and some issues that I was dealing with in my life, I was confused at the time because of the enormity of what I was experiencing. Walking through God's Spirit is one of them and what I was given regarding that. There is not a single person on this planet earth that will ever understand what exactly happened and what I was given, If there is I would like to meet them.

To make a long story as short as possible, there was another blogger who befriended me, then out of the blue wrote on their blog that because I was confused, I was evil. If that wasn't murder by gossip I don't know what else to say, and this came from a catholic. I have dealt with many unbelievers in the catholic faith, maybe due to their own jealousy for what I was given along with the proof. I have forgiven this person for murdering my character and God's work as I began to understand what God did for me.

I did continue to write and also continue to have moments of extreme doubt about it all due to the fact that I was thinking I was evil. May God forgive me for letting this anguish take root in my heart and mind to cause God more hurt from another. That's why I don't feel the world is ready for what I have to show them.

Hope

2011-09-18T20:11:00.003-04:00

I should know better not to write when the mind is not at peak performance, but sometimes it's good to let out what we feel. It's not easy when the thinking process is under assault from drugs. One can only imagine what the young an old go through taking drugs that alter their minds let alone stuff to bring healing.

It did get worst this time around along with the tiredness to walk and go up and down the stairs. I have found it quite the chore to go up them. I know the pictures I have are priceless and should not be destroyed at all but shown. Only problem many may never fully see or grasp what is there. I have come to realize that they may never be shown at all because it totally depends on God and HIS desire. For all I know they may just be for me because of the issues I have been dealing with to give strength at a time when the world that has gone very wrong. I would like to think there may be hope after all but when reading about all that is going on out there I wonder if the end is nearer than we all think.

Overcoming the Hurdles

2011-09-17T14:01:00.003-04:00

I know this world has many flaws that mar the beauty that God created. The flaws are made by man and put there to create chaos. Such as trying to create their own creatures or digging underground tunnels to co join other parts of the world throwing many things out of balance. Drilling for oil and wasting precious fuel, all man made destruction on a large scale. The poor are the ones who do not benefit from what greed has done to mar the world.

God made our world to be used by all not by a select few, yet wars are fought to own land, oil, riches. Who is the winner when many die to possess what we cannot take when we die to begin with. So what is the purpose then to possess if it not shared by all. That had me thinking about the pictures I have of the Eucharist and my thought of destroying them so no one may ever see them and cause a ruckus in the world. These pictures are not worth a thing but in sentiment only for myself. If I destroy them, the proof that God exists will no longer be and that will basically end it altogether. I didn't seek any fame or fortune for what God gave freely, but to give the world his countenance. Yet I have found nothing good in this world that merits saving it from itself. That's very sad indeed when the majority of the world seeks to destroy rather than save.

I think I will be contemplating the next step in deciding the fate of the pictures. May God guide my hand and my thoughts before I do something that will be not be able to be undone. Maybe I too can overcome the hurdles this world has brought.

Hanging in There Again

2011-09-15T21:36:00.003-04:00

The past few days have been hanging in there ones. The tiredness, the mood changes have been a toll lately. I've been fighting a battle that I seem to think that I may be loosing, but I was told that the mind has a key role in good health. So in keeping that in mind, it's par for the course when the meds affect it. Then it gets all the more harder to overcome the battle.

We all want things to go well when we aren't feeling well, but it's not always the case. I suppose the same can be said about faith when these things hit and we find at times questions that pop in that have no answer. I think then the cross that we carry becomes extremely heavy and unbearable. I've often wondered how others manage to stay very strong and conquer the fear, the doubts that often assail a person when sickness overcomes them.

I know my mom often mentions that my faith has always been strong but lately I have wondered if it is as strong as strong as she says. Those doubts are what kills the thinking process and begins to eat away at my soul at times. Then I struggle all the more to keep myself from falling into a state of unbelief. Why does this even happen when something truly wonderful was given to me in the way of the Eucharist. That bothers me immensely trying to understand those moments of doubt. I want to be strong and faith filled, filled with joy, but have found at odd moments death and unfeeling and at a loss as to why this is occuring. The moments when prayer is non existent and wonder if any prayer is even answered. I feel like I've run the gauntlet too long and failed each step of the way. I still have hope that tommorrow will find a new day and a new dawn.

The Robe

2011-09-13T19:01:00.002-04:00

Remember the movie "The Robe" I've always loved this movie along with Jesus of Nazareth. I decided to play it tonight out of a need to keep focused after my treatment. I somehow loose something after I have the infusion. So this is my way of keeping God and Jesus in focus.

I have figured out that when I get the injection the day after the infusion, that causes some of the tiredness and body aches along with voice loss, but the shot works. This is getting to be the last leg of the journey with chemotherapy. Next step is the reconstruction and that should be the end. Other than periodic check ups to make sure no cancer has come back. I praise God that they were able to get it out in the early stage. I think that's why I enjoy watching those special movies about the life and passion of Jesus.

The suffering he went through to save us, helps me to focus upon the cross during my trials.

Quiet Times

2011-09-11T18:29:00.002-04:00

It's been quiet lately around here. Quiet in the way of spiritual quietness. I should have been prepared and known that usually happens after receiving words. There always seems to be a quiet time afterwards.

I have been thinking about a time that occurred at an old job when I saw a round bright light on dock number 11 inside a building that had no windows from the direction it was shinning from. I was the only one who saw this even when I asked Denis if he saw it, he didn't. Unfortunately I didn't write down the date, if it was before or after 9/11. All I can recall of seeing that particular bright light was being in awe. I seem to have thought I may have seen it two weeks before or two weeks afterward and why I don't know for certain. Back then I didn't write down somethings but committed it to memory. This is one time I truly wish I wrote it down. It wouldn't have made a difference I suppose. But now I wonder if there was another purpose about it altogether and one day I will come to understand why. But somehow I seem to think it was two weeks afterward that appearance happened.

God has his reasons for everything and the why of it and it will be revealed in his own time and not mine. Sometimes he gives us something to encourage us not knowing the reason why, and keeping our faith helps us along the way. I know I have made many mistakes, and also have been extremely negative about myself when it all began. It was a difficult time for me then and then two years later in 2003 life truly began in a very special way.

Soft and Smooth

2011-09-07T19:19:00.002-04:00

The other day my brother stopped by and dropped off a gift for my mom for her birthday. He also gave me a gift too. I thought it was really nice that him and his wife picked out a pair of scarves. They are beautiful like works of art. Now I have something soft and smooth to cover my head with. My mom was given a beautiful umbrella.

Funny how one never knows how to use a scarf, at least I didn't. I took a tour of how to on you tube and found many ways to put one on the head. I'm grateful!! Actually I'm grateful for many things, a loving family in particular. Right now I'm very tired and cold, I was warned about getting the chills. Something I don't particularly want at this time as that signals a low white count.

This one is going to be short as I am about to go to bed and get some rest.

Office of Readings

2011-09-05T20:38:00.000-04:00

Office of Readings for Monday of the 23rd Week in Ordinary Time

From a sermon on the beatitudes by Saint Leo the Great, pope
Those who love your law shall have abundant peace

The blessedness of seeing God is justly promised to the pure of heart. For the eye that is unclean would not be able to see the brightness of the true light, and what would be happiness to clear minds would be a torment to those that are defiled. Therefore, let the mists of worldly vanities be dispelled, and the inner eye be cleansed of all the filth of wickedness, so that the soul’s gaze may feast serenely upon the great vision of God.

It is to the attainment of this goal that the next words refer: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. This blessedness, dearly beloved, does not derive from any casual agreement or from any and every kind of harmony, but it pertains to what the Apostle says: Be at peace before the Lord, and to the words of the prophet: Those who love your law shall enjoy abundant peace; for them it is no stumbling block.

Even the most intimate bonds of friendship and the closest affinity of minds cannot truly lay claim to this peace if they are not in agreement with the will of God. Alliances based on evil desires, covenants of crime and pacts of vice–all lie outside the scope of this peace. Love of the world cannot be reconciled with love of God, and the man who does not separate himself from the children of this generation cannot join the company of the sons of God. But those who keep God ever in their hearts, and are anxious to preserve the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace, never dissent from the eternal law as they speak the prayer of faith. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

These then are the peacemakers; they are bound together in holy harmony and are rightly given the heavenly title of sons of God, co- heirs with Christ. And this is the reward they will receive for their love of God and neighbor: when their struggle with all temptation is finally over, there will be no further adversities to suffer or scandal to fear; but they will rest in the peace of God undisturbed, through our Lord who lives and reigns with the Father and the Holy Spirit for ever and ever. Amen.

Pondering

2011-09-03T13:28:00.004-04:00

My last post I mentioned words that had me thinking. So I took time to dwell upon them to discover why I received them. I was thinking of my upcoming infusion which will be my last one and then the following weeks after it. When I see my doctor toward the end of the month I will find out when I go back to work. I was then wondering if that wasn't was the words were all about. Getting myself ready to go back to work by getting up earlier and getting myself prepared for the day.

It may be quite possible that is what the meaning of the words were for, I don't see any other reason why for them. I know it will be difficult getting back into the swing of things with work, I just hope I am not as tired as I have been during the treatments. Becoming a survivor of breast cancer will have a new meaning and then a new way of living.

These past few months have been a huge burden on my parents, they both have gone out of their way to take care of meals and so much more while I recover. They are saints by a long shot before I will ever be one. I have been terrible at times because of the changes in mood from the chemicals. Those are the times I would have longed to have more patience, more love to give and less of my own personal lip service. Such as when the taste buds are gone, the mouth opens and the words are instant, the food tastes terrible, what happened to it, without thought about the drugs that are doing the whole business. Someday I may look back and laugh or cry like a beggar at this time period.

More than anything I place myself to blame for any hardship that occurs or any wrong, not because I want to it just seems to be a habit I got myself into and I don't even know when that even started. Well I guess this time is as good a time as any to mend what may be broken and correct those flaws that mar the way to Jesus and our Heavenly Father. If I can't be honest about myself then I might as well not write then. What I truly enjoy is doing the rosary with my parents as a family even more so now than before. Because I choose Jesus to be part of my life then I do the rosary to bring him closer through His mother.

Words

2011-09-01T19:00:00.003-04:00

Sometimes the emotional state we are in can mare any judgement or thought that may be right or wrong. I know the last few days have been rocky ones with tears. A battle I think I hope have conquered. I know I am not alone with these emotions as I go through these changes and times. There are other people who go through the emotional gamut when surrounded by overwhelming odds. But this time I have cried and let it out and in the process attempted to let it go with the tears.

The past few days also were ones with discernment because I was getting words from songs that had me thinking deeply. But today I received the words "Get ready, here I come" and that one truly made me think even more about life. The other one's I received were "Ready to take a chance" along with some others from the same song. When I was getting this particular song I was thinking about my love and what if my heart wasn't truly open after hearing the song. This song put me into the emotional jungle I ended up in with the questions that were running through my thoughts.

So today when I ended up with the other ones, I asked if they were from God or from some other source. Usually that would stop the words from coming if they were not meant to be. But they came and then I found the song and listened and again attempting to discern why both songs so close in time, within a week to a few days. I have to understand that at times those words are a direction to others that may make the meaning clearer or not. But under the assumption I am to assume it is about opening the heart to love and not being afraid. Only problem, I thought I was very open to love and loving my neighbor. Unless it is something entirely different that I cannot see or understand at this time.

This morning as I sat and spoke with my mom and dad about my sorrows, my dad gave me some good advice. He said we never truly know God's plan for us and what he has in mind. I realize that I probably have been questioning his plan for me and not allowing him to do what he is supposed to do. Maybe now God will take a chance on me again. I hope.

Battlefield of the Mind

2011-08-31T09:54:00.003-04:00

Sitting here pondering why so much seems to be happening around the world and in our own lives. It's hard to fathom at times why some suffer so terribly and others go through things with ease. Like why do some loose their homes and belongings from disasters and others not. Just like when people get ill and others do not. Or why some get taken advantage of at work and others do not. So many questions without answers, yet God gave us life to live doing his will.

I think some of the questions that plague me are because of the issues I have to deal with in my own life. With a body that is going through some turmoil and wondering why and then praying that trust in Jesus does not fall apart or cave in but grows stronger. Each day I ask my parents to do the rosary in the evening as an aid to faith and to pray for the world and our priests.

I have come to a realization about life and what I thought was good about a place but have found it is not and I should have trusted those instincts in the first place. I have been discovering lately that is something I have failed to do, is trust in what I was given. I want to cry right now because I have wasted time and not done God's will as I should have. I have kept to myself something wonderful and only shared it when it seemed appropriate or when the moment was right. Now as I look back in a good way, maybe I too needed to learn and grow and understand better the truth of what occurred. To see in different light a new way in what is there.

The ache in my heart about this I can only forgive myself. When life invade and things went in a different direction than what it should have, I should have known that I was then on the wrong path when nothing seemed to go right. Sitting here and thinking about all this and how much God has done and how much I truly love him and yet I hurt him by failing miserably by not living my life the way he seeks of me. If I am wrong in my thinking then I pray that God will bring conversion to my soul my thoughts and my prayers. I offer up these sufferings for the souls in purgatory.

Mass

2011-08-29T13:41:00.002-04:00

There is an article that I came across and read that resonated about How to Behave at Mass. I thought the article was extremely well done and stated the truth about how Mass has truly been in Church and how parents of children monitor their kids while they worship.

That put me into the frame of mind of also when watching Mass on the television and finding the more I see Mass on television the more I like it less. The camera is forever moving to people and things but not always on the Mass itself. Which should be the central focus in the first place. I sit there and then my mind wanders as the camera focuses on the singers, the people in the pew, the windows but hardly Jesus at the table of Lord. My focus has not been truly on the Mass then.

When we are at Church and devout and know God is present, our eyes do not wander away from the Sacrifice of the Mass, unless the person in front of you is scantily clad or running amok in the pew and then try very hard to stay focused upon our Lord in the Eucharist can be hard for anyone who is present. One should not be there with eyes closed when gazing at the Altar of the Lord. For that is where the whole of the Mass is taking place other than the readings at the podium. The whole purpose of Mass is to focus upon Jesus present at the Altar. Am I wrong to address this at this time. I don't think so, because too many times in the past few months being homebound and unable to be present at Mass has showed me how televised Mass can be good but not good at all when it takes away from the soul the reason behind the Mass.

Storms

2011-08-28T06:17:00.003-04:00

We are getting ready to receive the remnants of an oncoming Hurricane pretty soon. Being prepared in the way of putting things away that could become missiles and cause damage to windows. Getting water into containers for drinking in case of power loss. Then it's water to flush the toilet when you have well water and no way to obtain it other that with a bucket. Preparedness is tantamount to survival when we are surmounted by storms.

That isn't the only way we should be prepared either, we should have our souls prepared as well. Going to confession to cleanse our hearts and souls of any clutter or sin that keeps us away from God. Using daily prayer and thanksgiving for what we receive and give to others out of love. Prayer to overcome the storms that ravage our life when we are ill or going through some other issues that threaten to overwhelm our hearts and take it away from God. It's needing to keep our thoughts always perpetually on HIM and HIS Son Jesus. Being prepared makes a big difference in how we see life at times and how quickly we overcome those obstacles.

Just like the storm that is threatening the seacoast at this time, will we sink, swim or survive without a problem. Remember Peter when he attempted to walk to Jesus on water and slowly went down out of his fear. Trust in Jesus and he will see us through the rough spots.

Why The Doubts?

2011-08-25T14:52:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a tough day being assailed by doubts after the treatments. You would think I would be used to it by now but I am not. These doubts come from the medicine that invade my body and it does something to me that is unexplainable. Like tiredness, pain in the back and then how it affects the thinking, that becomes distorted and painful. Being honest regarding what is taking place is not easy to reveal when it comes to health issues and the treatments that are received.

So again last evening I spoke with my Mom and Dad and found comfort and solace amid the pain my doubts were causing me. I asked to do a Rosary for assistance with these doubts and my mom had a thought come to her about praying for others during the rosary. I mentioned that Jesus does tell us to ask for prayer for ourselves as well. How else then are we to obtain assistance at times of trial if no one knows of our suffering. They will not be able to pray if they do not know in the first place. I know that these doubts may continue to assail me as the drugs continue doing what they do and that is rid the body of any rogue cells that may have invaded it. I am grateful for this treatment, but not the doubts of faith, of life, of so much more.

Then I had this notion of changing my blog template and that kinda went out the window as well since I am not too good at some of these things. More or less I don't have the imagination to make a nice blog page that would be appealing to others. But then again if the content was something good to read about that may help too. But as those doubts seem to come at times, I also know deep in my heart that God's Will will prevail no matter what and he will do what has to be done for all of us not just me or you or the next person.

That Time Again

2011-08-24T10:32:00.003-04:00

The last two days have been treatment and ultrasound for something else which came out good. Had my injection yesterday after the ultrasound which happened while the earthquake was going on. Felt that much more being on a higher floor, I had asked the techinician if it was the trains passing by she thought so but then neither of us was sure since it lasted quite awhile. There was no fear at the time because we didn't know being in a room and not really having any outside people make comments.

Anyway it has been quite the time of it. I have noticed after the chemotherapy and injection the next day, I have been getting tired and all I can do is put my trust in Jesus to keep me going strong. When I go for my chemotherapy infusion I have been using my prayer shawl to keep my spirits up and my faith present and warm as the room is very cold as well. Once the anti nausea meds I am taking are past then the next phase of nausea I don't look forward to and the different meds that will assist. One thing for sure I am glad that some people go through this without a hitch and can continue their life without a problem. I am one of the lucky ones that have some of the problems but that is par for the course with other issues.

I think that is why faith is a major part in any illness we have that helps us to have the strength to endure pain and suffering and offer it up to God to keep us from falling apart or giving up completely as some have done without faith. I will not mention the many things that can cause stress as well. That too is up to God and his awesome son Jesus and the beautiful intercesion of our Blessed Mother as well. Always need to pray to her for her constant love and protection from the forces of evil that can barrage the soul when we are sometimes down and uncertain of things that go on in life. She will provide strength when asked from the heart for it.

Joy in One's Life

2011-08-22T19:51:00.004-04:00

I've met some nice people lately and they have brightened my life with their presence. I sat outside today on the steps and watched the breeze in the trees but this time it was different. It was a normal breeze! Not like last time when I sensed their presence and the joy in my heart knowing they were there. Just like today and the people I met, they too brought joy to my heart.

Just like watching the World Youth day brought joy seeing the happiness that these young people were having being part of something truly wonderful. Sharing their faith!! when we offer to pray for others when they are going through trials is a tremendous gift of faith. I think that brings me great joy to offer to pray for another in their time of need and also to pray when things are going well. Wishing them all the best in their life. Such as being happy for them when things go well and they prosper or go on to better things. Joy is a very tangible thing when it is based on God and His Will. Trusting in Jesus is the best part of all too.

It's not often when we can witness the joy that faith brings in peoples lives like those who were there in Madrid, Spain. Too bad it wasn't on the regular media and not just on the Catholic television stations to reach those who don't practice, but would have seen how alive our faith truly is with the young people.

Watching Events

2011-08-20T16:59:00.004-04:00

What a delight it has been the past few days watching the events taking place with World Youth Day in Madrid, Spain. Seeing their joy and happiness being part of such an event sharing their faith with others. I understand all too well how that feels when I went to see the Pope Benedict XVI in New York for Christ Our Hope. What an awesome time that was! It's an event I will always remember and so will these young people with this awesome event.

I was watching them as they did the Adoration of our Lord in a huge Monstrance made in the 1500's. Just to be around something so old and beautiful is quite a thing. Europe has so many things that have been carefully kept from the past to help us with our future of faith. Beautiful gifts that are well preserved. Our Lord and savior Jesus Christ looked quite awesome in that Monstrance in front of all those young people. I hope and pray that the messages that Pope Benedict XVI has been giving them will take root in their hearts.

Reaching to Heaven

2011-08-18T21:36:00.007-04:00

This photo is a picture of a rose bush that has one stem reaching straight up. I think it is taller than I am at this point. At the very top of the single stem are three buds of roses.

I couldn't help but think as this rose bush was growing that it seemed to be reaching to heaven. I love this particular one because the roses have a delightful scent. The more I contemplated its growth upward, when I saw the three buds I couldn't help but think about the Blessed Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit sitting there at the very top. I suppose if my line of thinking is this way, then my thoughts are also reaching up to heaven as well. Must be a strong faith in God!!

The Breeze

2011-08-16T21:22:00.002-04:00

It turned out to be a wonderful day outside. I sat on the steps while the dog was outside and enjoyed refreshing moments as the breeze touched the trees. I sat there mesmerized watching one tree move gracefully as the breeze went through it and watched as another do strange leaf movements while the one next to it was totally still without any movement at all. It was a remarkable moment!

Even listening to the brook and the breeze as it moved through the tops of the trees was like music to the ears. It's not everyday when moments like this occur when the breeze passes through. I have this odd notion that at times the angels are there playing and wafting their wings to bring the odd sensation of a breeze when no large amount of air is present. It's how things seem to move. One would have to be there to understand what I am talking about. As I watched a smile appeared on my lips with this odd knowledge as I looked high up in the trees watching the movements play about.

I don't think it was flights of fancy either, just somehow I know they were there and when they were gone. It was how the breeze seemed to touch my skin as well as how it moved about the area. I wonder if others have had this experience with the breeze and known it was part of the angels that were present. Who knows, considering if I can have an experience with the Holy Eucharist and have seen Jesus on it, then wouldn't the breeze also be possible as part of a mystical experience with others as well and not just for myself. I wonder too if the closeness I have with our Lord has made this quite possible as well.

Mundane stuff

2011-08-15T20:45:00.003-04:00

What can I say about the lack of post other than nothing exciting has been going on. Besides faith being on the front burner of life, so far everything else is running it's course. Have been doing some research regarding the breast cancer and found a wonderful website regarding foods. Amazing to find that a majority of some of the ones we eat here are on the not to eat list as they are the ones that would cause a re-occurence of the cancer down the line. So again it is time to modify the diet and foods that I eat. It is a very good thing then that I did the research!

Still have the rash on my head with one or two areas that are painful to the touch, but not enough to call the doctor on according to the nurse. It has to be very bad indeed to call them regarding any symptoms or side effects even when the paper states to inform the doctor, just don't call them back about it unless it is very bad ore or less. Understandable, considering after my first treatment I must have called them too many times but it was a very good thing indeed since my white count all but dropped to nothing, not a good thing then.

Anyway, so much for my itty bitty issues, today is the feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, a day she went to heaven to be with our Heavenly Father. It was odd today that the lights flashed a few times in the house for no apparent reason, so I figure our blessed Mother is watching over us and letting us know. Thank you blessed Mother!! Most of all thank you for saying "YES" to God about being the mother of Jesus.

More Time Off

2011-08-12T21:02:00.003-04:00

I had my appointment today and ended up with the doctor saying I was hoping to get some of your energy. He mentioned I didn't seem perky as usual. I thought that was one of the nicest things a person could say. That means I am a bundle of energy. I was not that way today considering the last few days also the results of a rash on my head. Well as of this day, I will be out a few more weeks until I see my Oncologist for a determination of a return to work.

I was told that the illness seems to get worse after each treatment, I didn't want to hear that considering it took a toll on the first treatment and this time with different results. According to my paperwork on the chemotherapy and what I need to inform the doctor on that was it. The more I speak with the nurses they keep letting me know what the worst things I need to inform them of. Oh well then, I must be a stickler on whats seems to be going on with my body.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest so to speak I can now say that I have been seriously looking deeply at my faith and how I got where I am today. I took out the pictures and started to look them over and came to realize what an amazing thing I have been given. It's not everyday a person can say with all honesty that God paid them a personal visit and showed himself via the Eucharist. I have also come to understand that this also places my life in a different way. I am glad that through this gift that was given it brought me to a level of happiness that I would not otherwise have known or for that matter I would not have pursued the religious life. But then again I may have looked deeper into where I should have been if I never had that grace given to me.

I am beginning to see things in a different way than I did before because of the thoughts that go through my mind regarding prayer and God and what he did for me. A day cannot go by without the thought of thanking HIM or even mentioning something remarkable about the many things that were given. Silent moments of prayer in thanksgiving! I guess I should not be surprised at how it all came about, but I am. On that thought itself, these past few days I had an opportunity to clean out and go through my personal belongings as well. Sometimes it takes an illness to get things done in life that when we are well we would put off. I have a bad habit of holding onto useless papers or printed up articles for future reading even after it was originally read the first time. Talk about wasting time and space, the mind holds onto the information after it was given it so printing to hold onto it is quite useless. I think this round of illness actually has brought healing in another direction by the grace of God.

I think right now I must be rambling about mundane stuff so I will end here and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Painful Moments

2011-08-09T19:37:00.002-04:00

Discovering imperfection is not easy, my mom explained how medicine can affect how we perceive different things. The past few days while doing the rosary in the evening, my dads voice has been monotone to the point that it was beginning to irritate my senses as we were progressing. I didn't understand how the chemotherapy has affected not only my stomach with nausea but my senses as well. I have grown concerned and very apologetic over the odd behavior that has come about. I have prayed for patience in a time when my patience is thin from illness and not feeling very well, I have prayed for more love for my parents as I struggle each day trying to hold down what little is in me of food and concern over what is happening physically. I pray that each time nothing dire will happen but find it pointless as the body will go through what it has too.

I ask God's constant pardon and forgiveness when I can't comprehend why it is all happening. I read the Bible and seek guidance to find verses that proclaim curses and I want to cry out why, why, why. Nothing at this time is familiar to me as I wage this battle with the body. The bathroom has become my best friend and so has my bed for comfort as I lay there praying to take it all away or aid me as I try to deal with it all. These are my painful moments as my belly becomes painful with spasms. I don't want to call the doctors and bother them unless it's dire. But today it became so when nothing would stay down and then the low grade temp sets in. I don't know how some people actually deal with it all when confronted with so many obstacles and keep their head about themselves along with their faith.

As I sit here and let out these moments of grief I look at the best picture of them all, that of Jesus to be my constant strength, his look of love says it all for me and I continue to plod along and hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Days

2011-08-07T20:19:00.002-04:00

Sometimes we don't always get to have perfect days, yet we make it possible to get by anyway. It was a tough one today as the nausea started again, so it was a day where I felt comfortable laying down and resting rather than sitting up. I often wonder how those who have lived in Jesus' time managed when they were ill. What did they do for their upset stomachs or their fevers and such. Since we are in the age of drugs and chemicals to prevent just about anything, I assume that way back when they had the natural remedies that kept them going. A far better solution than polluting our bodies with chemicals that mask things rather than take care of the problem.

I still like by far is Jesus bringing healing to the people of his time. Even now he brings healing when we pray and ask for his divine intervention. Sometimes we don't get physical healing but we might get spiritual healing or emotional healing, depending on what he feels is best for us at the time. Even asking our Blessed Mother for help on behalf of her son is a very good thing. She loves Jesus very much and wishes we would all go through him to get closer to the Father.

God is amazing, especially since he gave us his Son and so much more. I don't think there is a day that we go through that isn't touched by God in a special way. Just waking up in the morning is a blessing and going to sleep at night resting in the palm of his hand. Loving God and the heavenly family is such a joy. I am glad to be part of the picture that he created me and gave me his love. Life would not be the way it is if God were not part of it all. Maybe someday people will wake up and realize the greatest gift we all have is the love of God and what he gave to mankind.

Tragedies

2011-08-05T19:19:00.003-04:00

One of my co-workers just lost her son in a tragic motorcycle accident, he was only 25 years old. But her recent loss also included a loss of a father in the last three weeks, her husbands mother in recent months and also an aunt. When we think we are having rough days or problems that may be too much to handle, there is always someone out there who hurts more than we do. I always remind myself of this when I feel like I can't handle anymore. Today though brought it home even more so.

She is a devout person and worships God and I can't even imagine how she is holding up with all the loss that has hit her family. But when we love God he gives us the strength to carry on and do what we have to in order to survive the hardships and all the good that goes with life. I went to the wake and met up with some of my co-workers that I haven't seen in a while. They all look great. I saw how they are the backbone for my co-worker, their support is tremendous.

Life is never easy for anyone even those who were born with so called silver spoons, even they have troubles that many don't see. They too may have lost family in tragedies or have earth shattering problems that cannot be controlled. No matter what circumstances we are in via health, wealth, poverty, or other means we all dress and walk the same. Just some follow a better path in the way of faith and keep their lives clean and holy.

God, I believe intended for us to all live holy lives and to be what he called us to be, his disciples in Christ. To follow his son and love on another as we should be. Not putting on airs or judging one another but being honest and true.

The Art of Prayer

2011-08-02T19:54:00.006-04:00

One thing I am grateful for is prayer, especially the Rosary to our Blessed Mother. No matter what we go through in our lives it is a blessing to be able to do this wonderful set of prayers. She brings comfort and hope in our everyday life. It's a beautiful way to start the day and a beautiful way to end it. I also enjoy speaking with Jesus and God most of all. I often ask the Holy Spirit to guide on my way. I know lately my blog has been part in focus of my recent situation along with my faith as well and my insecurities regarding my others issues that concern me. I have surrendered it all to our Loving God.

I went for an injection today after having chemotherapy yesterday. This injection will help boost my white blood cells so they will not go down, hopefully and not end up back in the hospital neutropenic. This injection can cause some discomfort or mild pain in the bones as it aids the bone marrow to produce the white blood cells. One thing I didn't expect was to have to learn all about this disease of cancer and all that it entails, but that is why prayer is so tantamount when we come across obstacles that mar the way in life.

One thing for sure that I do know of is that Jesus is my best friend in all the world. I know he would never hurt me or cause me suffer in any extreme way. It is only my sin that would cause the anguish and anxiety for not trusting enough to let go and let God do his will in my life. I pray constantly for strength to always do his will and to seek our Blessed Mothers blessing with all my heart and soul for her constant love. Let our blessed Mother be your guide as well and pray to her daily. Don't forget to also pay our Lord a visit in the Tabernacle or Blessed Sacrament at any Adoration Chapel and speak to him from your heart and let him speak back.

Animals

2011-08-01T17:45:00.002-04:00

Animals are uncanny, they seem to know things without letting on. My dog Oscar and my moms dog Casey have both been by my side since I've come home from chemotherapy. They seem to know the body aches and what is going on before we do. Oscar has been a God send in many ways. He thinks he is a lap dog for a huge Pug, 24 pounder if that matters, he is big for a pug. Anyway the last few days I haven't felt well and they seem to have known, they look at me with love and come on lets play to take your mind off things.

If it is only that easy when having a sleepless night of anxiety worrying about the next treatment and what can occur. Luckily, I found out they will be giving me an injection the next day to boost the immune system, this I hope works and I don't end up back in the hospital for a low white cell count. I have faith in God and his son Jesus and Our blessed Mother to get me through all the trials I will endur. I offer them up for the holy souls in Purgatory. I have prayed often of what I have been called to do and hope that the Holy Spirit will guide me as I set out on the journey.

Waiting Game

2011-07-30T15:52:00.003-04:00

I saw my doctor yesterday and was told no work for another two weeks to aid in healing after removing the breast expander because the chemotherapy will bring my immune system down. When I walked my dog Oscar on the road yesterday I had a delightful visit when my Human Resources person was driving by. We had a chat and a hug and I nearly broke down and cried because of being away from work for so long.

I would not have thought it was going to be this long a road already, but I have to remind myself I have other health issues that mar the way. I wanted to believe that all was going to go well but I was only lying to myself in that regard. I have kept a positive outlook about it all and then reality sets in and the tiredness envelopes me. I want to be able to go out and not feel tired, to go and see places and do so much for God and his kingdom. Yet, as I sit here typing this I have to realize that I am doing something wonderful for his kingdom by bearing witness to what transpired since the end of 2003. The remarkable visit I received and also the vision of Jesus in the Eucharist with the pictures as proof.

What I love the most is the one picture that was taken and was captured as a film is seeing him talk via the video. When I took a walk in the woods as I used to and then pausing for reflection looking off into the distance, I thought about this grace that was given and I thanked him for choosing me among the many in the world to be one of his witnesses. It may have taken me years to overcome so much in the way of battling the evil one and the many attempts to stop me from talking about him and showing his face to others. St. Michael has been a tremendous support along with out Blessed Mother to aid me in the battle.

God is love in every sense of the word, he provides so much even when we don't often see it. He conquered my heart and made me his, he accepted my human failings and gave me his undying love. I love God with all my heart and soul, I just cannot do enough for him to say thank you and show my gratitude for what he has done for me.

Rosary

2011-07-29T09:18:00.002-04:00

Lately I have been compeled to do the 15 decades of the Holy Rosary. I have found immense comfort doing this by myself and with my parents in the evening. The trials we all are going through at this time are a bit much. My Uncle who recently lost his wife, sent my mom a package regarding cremation and funeral stuff for her to look over. I was at one time under the impression that they had pre-made their arrangements but was told no, they only took care of the burial plot. Sometimes when talk of this sort arises it foretells of what may be coming, hopefully not in the too near future.

Watching my mom and dad as I recover my own illness has opened my eyes to how much they undergo and suffer daily, the many sacrifices they have given up to care for me. Myself as well have basically given up my personal life to assist them with their care as well even when on the mend. It's the small stuff that I am able to help them with, such as taking care of their medicines or doing laundry without having to lift that much. We each in our own way help each other out. Sometimes with words of encouragement to eat and stay strong, words to say thank you for all that you do.

What I am grateful for is the family I was given on this earth to be my guide when I am lost and alone. They hold me when there is no one to support me in my joys and sorrows. They help me to see a brighter day when I feel like I am loosing the battle financially when the doctors bills come in and I find it hard to give up what little I have. Then I have to recall the story of the woman giving her last for the kingdom of God and that brings me hope and better sense of faith. Sometimes these things are too heavy a burden and yet I still smile and go on and see how God provides the birds who have nothing. I find myself enthralled with nature and how God has blessed us with so much and yet we take it all for granted. I think now more than ever I am even more grateful to have nothing, because I can appreciate what God wants me to see in what he made.

So as I go on and realize that not only is God important but so is the one he chose to give us his Son Jesus, our loving Blessed Mother Mary, the one without sin.

Archangel Raphael

2011-07-27T09:44:00.000-04:00

On a Good Day

2011-07-26T14:46:00.003-04:00

I have begun to see how much I have changed in regards to caring for my diabetes. On my recent visit with my Doctor I had some more weight loss along with better A1C numbers. Now that the expander is out I can hope that things will go more smoothly regarding chemotherapy. Hopefully I will not have anymore down time after I am allowed back to work after this minor setback.

All in all I have been given some special time to focus upon health and my spiritual wellbeing. A time that has given me moments of reflection and at times consolations. It also has brought our family closer together. With my brother having gone through his own personal death and back to life, my sister with her back surgery and a new birth in the family, we have grown closer and more caring about each other. I have to say that my younger sister has been a rock for me. She listens to me when I hurt and she has gone with me when I was unsure and been my fortress. God is good when he gives us family that help us along the way. Just as he is when we falter and fall flat on our face, he picks us up and nudges us on the way. He forgives those transgressions out of love. He gave us his only Son to bring healing to a wounded world filled with hate and anger and sin. So why have people thrown God so far away from themselves and from our day to day worldly living. Don't they realize what good he does for all of us. He showed us His Face many times and still we mock and curse him.

Divine Physician

2011-07-25T20:42:00.003-04:00

I was all set to receive round two of chemotherapy, but was told due to having a drain in it will be postponed for another week. Hopefully by Friday the drain will be out and the next treatment will begin on Monday. It's one thing to pay visits to physicians but often I would rather be paying the Divine Physician a visit to have him treat me in the many ways Jesus does. He takes care of the spiritual as well as the physical.

I had to follow up today with my primary care doctor because of my recent hospital stay, I actually get to see him in four months rather than three, so I asked him why and he said because I have a lot on my plate right now. I suppose I do, yet it doesn't feel like it. Can it be the peace I feel regarding everything including giving up praying about finances and letting go and letting God take over what I cannot control or handle at this time. I gave my illness over to HIM to take care of me as per HIS Will. Even the Blessed Mother has a special part in all of it. Without her we would not have Jesus. Her "YES" resounds deeply in my heart, because I understand how possible it was to be overshadowed by the HOLY SPIRIT.

Our Blessed Mother is a very special lady and I hope more people will come to love her and her son as much as I do.

Only You

2011-07-22T17:53:00.003-04:00

It's been quite a day with an early morning start with the procedure to remove the breast expander. It went well and now I have again another drain to collect unwanted fluid. I'm not to do a single thing other than rest and no lifting more than 10-15 lbs. I used my holy water this morning making the sign of the cross on my forehead before surgery. No fear if anything I was at peace.

In this journey I have met some incredible people, a few who have also survived breast cancer. Those people call me sister and give me a hug of love. It is a different world when one has something that could be easy or devastating. Many are fortunate to survive and get through so much and then others encounter difficulties. I look at some of mine as stepping stones along the way, learning about each step and finding that each time I still smile and laugh with those around me and let God and the Holy Spirit be my guide.

Like moments sitting outside and looking at the trees and feeling a breeze gently touch my skin and somehow I know they are present at those times. It's the way the trees move or the branches because they look playful in the moments and I think, Dear God, thank you for being there and letting me know you love me. In those moments I feel absolutely special beyond compare. Those little God moments that lift up our heart to a higher level.

I love to sit and just be with our Lord in this way or when listening to the hawks chirp in the trees as sit there. I know the young ones are up there and they are talking with each other. Last week a Hawk was under a tree and as I watched I saw it lift something long from the ground. I didn't quite grasp what it was until the second time it lifted it up, it was a dead snake and a big one to boot. The bird was lifting it, as if to say look what I caught for you. I tried to get a picture but when I was aiming to take the picture, it went up into the tree with its prize.

There are so many moments throughout the day that I appreciate Gods love for me and what he showed me about his son Jesus and the Holy Spirit and the Throne in those pictures of the Eucharist of Jesus and the ones of the Lamb. If I thought they came from another source, I would not have had the grace to have received communion and have the host come alive on my tongue pulsing, large and heavy on several occasions. That alone reinforced what was given.

Something Good Comes From Here

2011-07-21T18:32:00.002-04:00

I have come to the conclusion and finally believe in myself after umpteen people have constantly mentioned how I have a positive attitude regarding what is going on in my life. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies regarding how we see ourselves, and I was told that too when I didn't see my own good. People don't mention things they don't mean. In that regard then I can actually say that I have stopped lying to myself, the worst sin of all denying Gods grace in how we see ourselves. A good lesson to learn and one I will constantly put into play in my life.

Well, anyway, I am home and will be going for a procedure tomorrow to remove a breast expander that is causing some problems with fluid build up, heat and redness. If it stays in and chemo treatments will cause the body to slow in healing as I recently learned when the white blood cells are low there is room to end up with infections. Finding out you can't be around flowers or eat raw fruit and vegetables could also pose a risk. Amazing what we have and when things aren't so good how we miss those things.

One thing I am grateful for is finally seeing the truth about myself. I hope that as I continue to learn about life, my faith and what I have been given I can also help another regarding what they may be going thru with their illness and be a bright beacon of light for them.

Hospital Stay

2011-07-18T04:17:00.003-04:00

I sit here at four in the morning trying to rest but unable to. I am at this time back in the hospital since Thursday evening. My mom brought me my laptop the other day so I could get some things done. How did I end up in here again, well, there was a constant bout of diarrhea since Monday with a stabbing pain that was in the kidney area. I went back to work half a day on Tuesday for the remainder of the week but on Thursday as I contacted the Oncology department regarding the issues, I ended up with a fever and told to go to the emergency room. I was found to end up having a bout of diverticulitis and a very low white blood count and zero neutrofils to protect my body from infection.

So it has been a bit of a trial at this point, I have been getting antibiotics to combat any infections and it seems to me as I have gone back to work before and ended up out and it seems again this time as well, go figure. Anyway I still smile and take things in stride.

Tonight though, on one of my walks in the hallways with a mask on I went to the Chapel in the hospital and payed our Lord a visit. I didn't realize what I was going to receive until a while later as I again tried to sleep. I ended up using my IPod to listen to spiritual music and that was when I was given a recall of a moment when I encountered the Spirit of God and walked through it and had the film touch my eyes. It was the recalling that like a thief in the night he comes down from heaven. That night he did and the cloud surrounded the area of our property. I denied myself the truth of what occured, but as I lay there this came to mind. Then thoughts of cleaning the priesthood was tantamount due to the filth that has overcome our church. The many injustices that have occured and the abuses that are done. I give Pope Benedict credit to attempt restoring what God loves and cleaning what does not belong.

Jesus is in the Blessed Sacrament and its too bad that we abuse that gift because of our selfishness and that also of the Priest. If a Priest commits suicide and one hears that his fellow priests have been part of the abuse then God forbid what they commited to another with lack of love of neighbor. A pity that the darkness has overcome what God tried to give humankind.

Small Steps

2011-07-13T19:20:00.002-04:00

Ever feel like life is playing tricks on you? I do at times, not because I want to but because of the circumstances of the occurances that surround the situation. I thought things were going okay after the treatment but now I have found some issues that have happened where I ended up having to call the doctors office to speak with the nurse regarding these issues.

I didn't realize that I am ending up having a tougher time than some others. But then again I have to realize I also have other issues that don't help either. On those days I try very hard to see God in the whole of it all and ask Him to take away the pain, the aches, the headaches, you name it and it might be there. Anyway, God is very good and will not give more than we can handle even the illness itself. Maybe I am wrong about that part, but I have to remember that none of this is asked for to begin with and that this is a cross that I have to carry and somehow conquer.

I am grateful to have these illnesses in order to make my faith even stronger and for me to see that there are people in the world who do care about what I am going thru. The people I work with, my family, my extended family with the Dominican Laity and the people of my Parish and those who come across this blog and read it. Everyone is special. I am discovering that I once thought I was good at something only to find I wasn't. After awhile I began to see how far I am behind in learning the faith and truly understanding and knowing it with ease. I have begun to wonder if perhaps I am one of those who are not of good soil but one of the others, then I think, if that were the case then I would falter so much and go off on a tangent and give up that there would be no faith at all. I have come to see that faith is a daily thing and I keep at it constantly. Just like taking blood sugar levels to maintain good blood sugar it takes work.

I do know that I do love God more than anything even when I feel rotten and uncertain, at least that part I know is a constant.

First Treatment

2011-07-10T17:40:00.002-04:00

I had my first chemo treatment on Wednesday and it went well. I have had minimal effects at this time. I just began to lose some of my taste buds with some tiredness but that is to be expected. I hope from this point on that I don't get too much else. I think I was fearing this part of the whole ordeal because the body is being invaded by more chemicals to rid it of harmful stuff that will kill it. So in a sense this is a good thing for a short time.

I think from this point on I will try to read the Bible more to help me on the journey rather than the daily readings. Moments I think would help reflecting Gods Word in my life to help me focus on Him and not on myself and my situation. I've lost a few more pounds of weight and I like that as I see my attempt to keep carbs down has made an impact.

We went today to the Divine Mercy Shrine in Stockbridge, MA so I could go to confession and then Mass. It turned out to be a wonderful outing, since it has been a long time since i've been able to go anywhere other than the doctors office or Hospital. I enjoyed the homily the Priest gave on reading God's Word and letting it impact our lives. That's why I mentioned I would like to do more of. Anyway I praise God for getting me thru this far and taking care of me on a daily basis.

Gods Word

2011-07-07T13:39:00.002-04:00

Sometimes we are given words when we hear the Gospel message or when the Homily is spoken and expounded on, other times it can be through reading His word or hearing it from others or from music and such. I have found that I have gotten many words when the Gospel is read and sometimes during the homily.

To recall the many times words have come thru at odd moments maybe to clarify or while sleeping and upon waking those words pop thru as well. As I was reading an article posted on Spirit Daily, I found it helped me to understand much more about it. I don't always speak to my Spiritual Director about these words mainly because of what I fear he may think. Which I know I should not do is fear in the first place. The artice I am speaking about can be found here.

Hope

2011-07-07T12:01:00.003-04:00

There is hope knowing that everything went well yesterday with my infusion. Only draw back is the effects from the anti nausea stuff raises my blood sugar too high. So a call went to my primary care regarding a plan for the time period when I have to take these particular meds.

I am hopeful that all will go well and there will not be too many draw backs. I have found praying for my care givers, such as the doctors and nurses help alot. Praying that they will know to do the right thing regarding my care and the treatments needed. I kinda stopped asking our Lord for financial because everytime I pray for his divine assistance I seem to find more coming out of the woodwork as if to say I will never get his assistance that way. I try to be positive in this and try to believe that he will always be there when I fall flat on my face.

Whenever trials come around doesn't it always seem as if more trials come thru and wonder if they will ever end. I know that God is great and his love is never ending, I know his sons love is the same. I asked my mom this morning if it was possible if maybe my faith wasn't as strong as it should be and she said my faith is up there. My mom is one of the ones who has taught me to be positive with other people as she does the same with me and rest of our family. When we question things she seems to know that sometimes we need positive reinforcement. I think God is the same way too when we receive consolations to say good job.

Right now I know there is hope because they removed all the cancer and it is gone, this part is to get rid of any cells that may have roamed about. I trust that this treatment will work and everything will come out fine. I anticipate the day when I don't feel icky from recovery of surgeries and everything else. I would be lying if I didn't admit my mental health has taken a beating, the anxiety one encounters regarding lifes situation. If I thought life was tough after having a heart attack and overcoming that obstacle, then this one should not be so tough. It never is easy when we find our life ridden with illness and how to remove the blight in the first place. I have even tried praying for healing of our family ancestors so the next generation will not be so plagued with issues. It is a hope that God will see these prayers answered in his own time if it his will for our family.

Praying For Our Priest

2011-07-05T18:15:00.004-04:00

It's not an easy thing to hear when we find out a priest takes their own life. Knowing how wrong it is and still they do it. What drives them to go to such lengths to stop living? Yet, they are not the only ones who have done this. Regular people have done the same. It is an area that no one seems to be able to find out why unless the person survives and talks about what they are facing to get the help they need. I wonder about those who take that route, do they seek help or just leave clues for others to direct them to the help.

Recently in our area we had a Priest who took his own life and that left behind many people who cared about him wondering why, because he was so well liked. Maybe that is why our Blessed Mother wants us to pray for her priests, so they will have the strength to do God's work and to fight the evil that assails them. Prayers that help them constantly. When we stop praying for others and especially for our priests, we don't help them. It's like leaving them to their own devices to fight the battle alone, a sad existence then. It already is hard for the priest today with so much that has gone on in the world to make their job even harder.

It is with hope that we as catholics and christians alike pray for our priests and ministers to aid them with the task of being sheperds of the flock.

Vocations

2011-07-03T13:30:00.002-04:00

Not long ago we had dinner with Father Plasse after my recent procedure. We talked about vocations and how I still feel the call to the Religious life. But in light of what has been happening with my body, he mentioned it was no longer possible for me to pursue it. I then stated that maybe it was meant for me to be where I am with the Third Order.

I have been wondering why I was given this strong desire and not the opportunity to see it come about if it is what God seeks of me in the first place. When I had that moment of deep knowledge for the love of contemplation, I had a hard time believing in what was occuring in this knowing. Lately, with all that has been going on I have wondered if I had missed the opportunity by dragging my feet and if He took it all away from me for my stupidity.

As I have been recovering, I have taken the time to watch some videos that tell of the life of St. Bernadette of Lourdes and saw how much God and the Blessed Mother have given to special souls who love them. Then I began to see how much in these years I have re-learned about faith and the church. The catechism that was buried deep within and about myself. I had to realize I needed to grow in many ways in order for me to be able to speak about the gift I received without fear of what others think. It no longer matters as long as I know deep in my heart the truth of what occured and what was given to me. The pictures of the Eucharist I took and what is miraculously on them about what I saw and what God chose to show are mine and they are amazing because they show the Face of Jesus and so much more. Proof that was given to me of his undying love for me and all the world, to show me His Face that he exists above all else.

Don't Know Anymore

2011-07-01T18:27:00.002-04:00

The other day when I went for my appointment I also obtained a possible return to work date as well. The doctors office wrote out a doctors note regarding this, so when I went to work and dropped it off, I'm not sure what to make of things. They were happy to see me but when I went to the HR and gave the note, I was looked at by this person in such a way that made me leery of her. She could not look me in the eye while talking, apologized for not returning my email. So I gave her a way out and blamed it on lots of work.

Today, I had a call from the social worker with oncology and I asked her a question regarding one of the treatments I will be getting, it may cause heart damage and she suggested I call the triage nurse and ask them. So I did, and I just received a call from the doctor regarding this issue. She will be changing the regimen with a different drug and it will be every three weeks instead and possibly up to six treatments rather than eight. I know originally she had mentioned when I first met her I would have 4 treatments every three weeks. I don't recall the drugs she may have mentioned, well anyway, she will be looking into why things were changed and was glad I questioned things regarding what damage may be done or not taking the drug. She reassured me that I will be okay.

I have had a chance to go through much of my stuff and clean out the junk. I didn't realize how bad things were until I began to tackle it. So much wasted time and space all because I was afraid to handle problems after loosing a job. Again this cancer seems to have brought about a change possibly for the better. Now it is putting it into practice and learning to forgive myself and others for situations that are beyond what is deemed normal. I pray to Jesus for the constant strength to get through each day and each rough spot that I encounter. I also have learned to not be afraid to speak with the doctors regarding my care. A problem I noticed that I never did speak candidly before with them. I am grateful for this time and for all the prayers that many are saying on my behalf. I don't get to visit others sites and read their loving words about our Lord and Blessed Mother as much as I would like. Those places are a balm for the soul and I have stayed away from them for fear that they would read what I write and think I was an evil person myself. Stupid thought! I am human and I hurt just like everyone else does.

Jesus too, hurt when he was alive. He took insults from others, he took a beating and was hung upon a cross to free us from our sins. Thank you Jesus for what you did, not just for me but for the whole world.

Upcoming

2011-06-29T19:01:00.002-04:00

It's been a whirlwind day today, went to my first meeting with the Nurse Practitioner regarding the upcoming chemotherapy treatments. I found out that I will be having eight treatments done in 2 week intervals. The first four with 2 different drugs and then the next four with one drug. It was quite day learning about side effects, reactions and what to do when they occur. Basically everything regarding the treatments from anti nausea stuff to the actual treatment.

My first one will be next week and I pray that all will go well with it too. One thing I have to remind myself, I didn't ask for this to happen to me but on the other hand I have accepted my cross and realize that God will take care of what needs to be taken care of regarding my health and wellbeing. In a good way it has enabled me to take better care of my other illnesses and not take them for granted. Being more vigilant and pro-active regarding better sugar control and healthier life style for better heart health or to take better care of what I do have.

I would surmise that this cross is a way of finding stronger faith and finding out strength in other areas of life. When the chips fall and moods fail to lift up the soul, then prayer is always an aid that proves to be a worthy source of comfort along with Gods Word. It never fails to provide comfort when reading the Bible to bring us closer to God. Those moments help to keep the moods from falling deeper into the pit of despair. I always remind myself that God is love beyond compare.

Lamentations

2011-06-27T21:35:00.002-04:00

After writing the last post I took the Bible and went thru the Psalms and then directly to Lamentations 3:1-66 and found what I was feeling. It was the oddest thing to read what I had almost wrote but my interior being was feeling. It was amazing, to say the least. How we can find some of what we feel and find understanding along the way. It may not have given an answer but it was more on the high side of being in tune with Gods Word.

I know there is hope and that all I have to do is constantly place my trust in God and in Jesus and to ask also for our Holy Mothers intercession for guidance along the way. She does not abandon nor does her son and neither does God. People abandon people when they reach the lowest points in their lives but God I firmly believe will never abandon people. He is love and that says it all.

Lost and Found

2011-06-27T20:54:00.003-04:00

I feel lost at this moment with conflicting feelings flowing thru me about many things. How when working for one company things went smoothly regarding insurance and short term disability, but with this company I work for I have found more problems and bills than I can afford. I realize this is my trial and no one elses burden but mine. I have looked back in time from two different jobs and now, and see how pitiful this time period is. I often wonder where God is at these moments when I can't comprehend or fathom why it hurts so much to be at such a low level in life.

I want to be found and somehow come out okay when the tears won't go away. When I see the doctors office staff stand around and look at you as if you had a third head instead of one when asking about going back to work. I was told to wait and see what the oncology dept wants to do regarding the next step, more or less they would be the ones to give the consent to go back to work since they requested the port a cath placed. Then I get in the mail today a paper stating they will close my short term claim tomorrow if they do not receive such and such by then. Considering this request was put in writing on friday and mailed. It's asking for a miracle to be done on very short notice.

Please somebody find me before I get even more lost in this world that we live in. No wonder the world has gone so far off the beaten path, it's awful. The insurance doesn't cover everything and the bills are rolling in faster than I can walk and I'm trying to handle it all with no personal support from a spouse that I don't have other than two elderly parents who are the one's I turn to the most when I find myself upset because I try to understand and find it difficult to fathom how those who have nothing and no one can even manage to survive. I think that is why there is much sadness in the world today because there is so much poverty out there and if you don't know anyone don't expect any help whatsoever.

I'm recalling the last Priest I spoke with and the words he said to me about the Psalms and right now I feel like a lamentation, because I am pouring out my heart and soul, my sorrow and grief, my worry and my plight all for what other than getting it off my chest in hopes that God will ease my burden and stop the anguish that is creeping over me. A time in a day when nothing seems to feel right and the future looks dismal rather than blessed.

Pride

2011-06-26T11:38:00.002-04:00

The next step is facing chemotherapy and the loss of pride. The port a cath has been placed for the next step of the process and I tell you, that was a painful process too. The area it was placed is still very sore and my neck has this visible area where the catheter is. Wednesday I get to have a meeting regarding the chemotherapy, about the drugs that will be given and the ones I need to take before the therapy.

I mentioned in the beginning sentence about loss of pride and that is a womans hair. I have had plenty of time contemplating the fact that it will come out, even when others say it may not. The fact is it is very possible. Along with the possiblity of weight gain as well. Not something a person wants to hear when weight loss has been difficult at best, again there goes the loss of pride. Discovering areas in life that may have been prideful have been an eye opener for me. It is an opportunity to reflect on God's Word, the Psalms and HIS grace most of all.

Pride is a sin and if I have been sinning in this way regarding my hair and my body regarding weight then this is a good thing to root it out and allow me to correct that flaw and bring it before God to offer it up and ask for his Divine forgiveness. Even though they removed the cancer, this other stuff needs to be done to bring about healing and cleansing. So too, does reflection and then confession regarding sin in our life. It also brings healing and cleansing. It brings us closer to God. Who would dare to miss that opportunity to bring about that sense of well being and to be closer to God and his family.

I am glad that I have been given this moment to reflect and to partake of his grace in my life.

Jesus

2011-06-20T14:31:00.000-04:00

Something came over me today to grab the picture that was miraculously saved from the fire. I took it down from the wall and held it, in those moments I took it upstairs with the strangest intent to show it to someone, yet that never came about. I carried the picture with me around the house and then I brought it back downstairs and placed it on the wall.

I am gazing at the picture of Jesus that has the look of come to me with his hands outstretched and smiling sweetly at the moment as I write this. I can only think that the whole purpose of what came over me was to provide me with his unconditional love with my looming procedure coming up on Wednesday. I felt reassured about his love and care for me.

He gave me his life, he took mine and gave it back to me. How is it that throughout this time since he has chosen me for his own, I always find those moments that he provides the simplest and basic way of getting his point across about his love and to trust in that love. No matter what trials are sent my way, it is with hope that the trust of Jesus will always shine amid the problems as he did today. There may not be an answer to the problems but he will give support in an unusual way to allow time to progress where the answer will come in his time.

I sometimes wonder if my eyes mirror the love that I see in Jesus and if it is reflected back to him as my heart longs always for his love.

Thank God

2011-06-17T19:49:00.003-04:00

Had my appointments today, the scan went well except I grew aggitated toward the end which cut it a bit short. It wasn't easy. These people who have been crossing paths with me lately have been the angels in disguise. Their human touch, their concern and caring makes a big difference in a life.

Knowing that a person is not just a number or a dollar sign for them but seeing their genuine caring makes a difference in how patient's respond to treatments. I suppose that same can be said of employers and friends and family. To me each individual that I come incontact with is part of God's love shinning thru, when they hug or smile or just say hello. When they offer silence I sometimes wonder if they even care.

Going thru these trials have changed how I look at things and see God in those who try to be what they are called to be. The doctors have been awesome in my care and I appreciate their concern and caring most of all. At times lately I want to cry and let it out and stop being so strong and then I hold back wondering if it would make a difference. All I know is that I do love God with all my being and I know that he is there beside me every step of the way gently guiding me as I face another obstacle or another day being tired and uncertain. All I have to do is remember the face I saw from my heart one night, the face of Jesus so close to me.

Schedule changes

2011-06-16T18:48:00.004-04:00

Today I received a call to pre-register for a MUGA scan only to find out in the process that I will be have another surgical procedure next week if the drain is removed tomorrow to place a port a cath in for chemo treatments. I did call the doctors office to find out more about this and was given the information and was also strongly suggested to be out of work another week. I then texted my boss to let her know.

Odd how things have a way of coming about. Since the day the procedure was scheduled I was also scheduled to go to jury duty that day. I called to postpone in case I went back to work and it would not cause a problem. But God has a way of bringing things about for a reason. Instead of always thinking about others and work maybe God is trying to tell me to take care of me for a change. It not easy accepting changes that affect your life and how you can support yourself. I don't know how people do it and survive or do they give up so they don't have to face all the bills that accumulate. Yet we are never alone, there is always someone who comes to assist when no one else will.

I'm sorry about that, it's not only hard for me at this time but also hard for the people who have gone thru devastation and lost it all and find no where to turn. For me, I need to let go and stop worrying about the things I cannot control or take care of. It's a real learning lesson at times when you look at what others are going thru far worst off than what we think is occuring in our lives. Faith goes a long way in helping with keeping the perspective on the right track.

Support System

2011-06-16T10:48:00.004-04:00

I think I was anxious yesterday regading going to the D'Amour Cancer Center for the first time for blood work. I was an emotional day for me, plus I met with some cancer survivors last evening and had a glimpse into their stories of their journey to where they are now.

I think once I was there the emotional aspect finally lifted because I was no longer alone on the journey myself. There were people there too who had these issues themselves. I want to think also of the other aspect too, that of faith and what I experienced personally and not feel so alone in that regard but that is another story altogether.

I also had a knee injection yesterday which has put my blood sugars level out of control for a few days. I suppose this is a good time to fast and surpase the ten pounds I have already lost since this has all began. A good loss for better health. Much better to maintain blood sugar and weight management to aid in healing.

Out of all this that has come about I continue to contemplate the day I saw our Lord and everything that has occured since then. The dreams, the music that came at odd times, but most especially walking right thru the Spirit of God in the early morning hours. The host pulsating on my tongue those selects times to reinforce his presence in the Eucharist and to aid in my belief in what has already occured. I am no one special except in the eyes of God and that being chosen for his Son. I sometimes wonder about the Religious life, yet the obstacles occur and then I realize I have my vocation as one with the Dominicans, their otherwise known as Third Order Dominicans but officially known as Lay Fraternities of St. Dominic. An order I am glad to be part of since saying "yes" to the calling. I also have these pictures that need to be shown but have no idea about going about it. I had that one oppertunity when they were shown on a large screen and that worked out wonderfully, especially seeing God speak in the video while the music is playing in the background. I'm not the only one who has seen this, this is the truth.

So from all that is taking place my faith is tatamount to what is occuring. I can never ignore what I was given not for a moment. Somehow it is important in these tumultous times. God's and Jesus presence is needed far more than ever.

Love

2011-06-12T12:57:00.003-04:00

These past few days have been a whirlwind of sorts. My sister had her surgery Thursday and did very well. I had my appointment on Friday and am still out of work at this time. Then for something really good, I took a necklace of St. Anthony to use to hold my drain while taking a shower. I didn't take it off and was looking for a prayer book that seems to have gone missing. I found instead my nearly three year missing social security card that I didn't place in the location it was found.

So dear St. Anthony thank you for your assistance in finding this lost item. You came to my aid when I requested it. I am still wearing the necklace with the medal of St. Anthony.

At this point I suppose God only knows why things are coming about in this way and for being out for an extended period. My Doctor had mentioned he had never met anyone like me before, I thought that was really nice of him to say so. So far many people I have met have mentioned how bubbly I am considering what I am going thru. How else is one supposed to be? I believe I mentioned about joining a Breast Cancer support group with many in various stages of cancer. I should say that after struggling with diabetes and then having a heart attack with open heart surgery, I can count my blessings to be alive and now I find this also is an opportunity to change some bad eating habits and hopefully bring about a brighter future if it is God's plan for me.

I have found that I my blood sugar has done so much better as I change those habits. What a difference and all it took was a change in diagnosis and the possibility of having it much worse. Luckily they did get it out and now the next step is to conquer any rogue cells. And that too is in God's hands. I place my trust in him all the way. I have a great support system within my spiritual family, my heavenly father has brought me thru so much already and continues to love me inspite of my sinfullness at times. My heavenly mother holds my hand on those days when I need her and no one is around to comfort or care. The Holy Spirit is ever present to guide me as I walk this path in life and most of all I have Jesus my heavenly love who gives me the trust I need to get thru the moments of doubt. This family also gave me the love and support of the family they gave me to have on this earth.

We all have come to see that God's presence in our lives is very special, for me it is good to see that they believe most of all. I would like to thank those who read this blog and offer up prayers on behalf of myself and my sister and brothers and mother and father and all those near to me. Your prayers are what help us all get thru each day, one moment at a time.

Family

2011-06-10T09:09:00.002-04:00

Praise God!! My sister had her surgery yesterday and all went well. She looked great in recovery. That was awesome to see. I spoke with her this morning over the phone and she is doing so good. Prayers are awesome and so is our loving God.

I will see her later today when I go to my appointment about my own recent surgery and hopefully find I can go back to work. Going back to work last time and being there for only two weeks then out again did not go well. My boss suggested I should be really well before coming back. I feel okay this time and not so tired as I did last time. Even my family has noticed a difference, they claim I look much better this time.

I have an awesome family! Last night I was searching for a missing prayer book and was looking in some old purses when I found my missing social security card that went missing over two years ago. I did ask St. Anthony for assistance in finding it, but I don't recall ever putting it where I found it. God has reasons for the timing of how things show up and are found. There has been almost a renewal going on around here lately. One of them is with the job, the other is with myself and finding a difference with how I deal with issues. And then the changes within the family with all the crisis we have been dealing with.

I have also recently met over the phone a young lady who asked if I would like to join their Breast Cancer support group, she mentioned that I would be a nice addition since I am so bubbly over the phone and a good attitude as well. I think lately when I speak with people and we talk and they find out about my situation, they are amazed at how well I have taken things. I smile and I am at peace.

I owe most of that to how well my parents have responded to illness in their own lives and have basically kept an upbeat attitude even when they are hurting. But on the other hand I also owe the majority on my faith in God and the trust I have with Jesus and the Love for our Blessed Mother. The Holy Spirit also had a huge impact on my life after merging with him that eventful night. I'll never forget it and how possible it was to be a part of Gods loving family.

Hanging In There

2011-06-07T20:47:00.002-04:00

One must admit when things occur in life that causes changes it prompts us to reflect. Recently I have been watching the television about the tornadoes that came through our area, seeing the devastation and the help that people are receiving. It's wonderful, the help that is, not the devastation.

Being without Internet for a few days had made an inpact in my own personal reflection because I began to read more than I did before. I think this time it brought home more than reflection but more on change in my own life itself. I also had a visitor that I do an hour of Adoration with, she brought me a book on food for fighting cancer since she also has a family member herself who is undergoing her own battle but with a different type. Henrietta also goes to many prayer and healing services for her family. She brought with her the glove that belonged to Padre Pio. She prayed over me several times already for healing. I appreciated that very much.

Henrietta stopped by on Saturday evening and brought over the Holy Spirit Novena to do. I thought that was wonderful. Sometimes it takes illness and things to happen for us to see how much people really do care. That was part of the reflections I was undergoing, was seeing that no matter how difficult my life may have been, there are people out there that care and would like to see healing occur and life to get back on track.

More than anything I would love to do so much more and give in many different ways. Being more open about my own personal encounter with the Eucharist. Sharing God's love even more to others. If this is what God asks of me, then who am I to deny him. Maybe that is why this illness was given in the first place to open myself even more deeply of his love for me. To take these moments and allow myself to see him through others as well. Even when I try not to worry about the financial part, I must learn to trust in that department as well as trusting him with my life and the healing that will come in time.

His love is great and so is his mercy. I have noticed that my blood sugar has been so much better as well throughout this time, I think that is wonderful and I thank God for giving me this time to correct some needed correction.

Thanksgiving

2011-06-05T11:11:00.003-04:00

A Tornado recently ripped through our area of the country not far from where we live. It more or less passed between my sisters home and ours, between towns causing havock in peoples lives. The storm after the first Tornado with warnings of another in our area, the lightning hit close by knocking out our cable and Internet access. Thankfully, we did not lose power.

Losing a source of communication was an eye opener, we had to rely on the newspaper and radio for what was going on in the area. It was also a time of reflection and moments where we were able to read instead. Since I'm still recovering from this last surgery and still have a drain in, I was told to take it easy. I guess going back to work too soon did not help with the healing process since I was always tired. But with the problem of not healing didn't help either.

Hopefully now that it is fixed and looking much better and finally off antibiotics that the next step will soon come about, that of chemotherapy. Along with the hope of being back at work to support myself and keep myself from falling too far behind.

Now I pray for my sister as she will also be having surgery herself for her troublesome back. Then my brother too will be having a share in surgery for his gallbladder once he is okayed by his cardiologist. It seems as if there is never ending excitement going on over here, but on the upside we all are supporting each other emotionally. I did have an opportunity to lay hands on my sister and pray for her healing and or God's will for her during her surgery. It seems right when I feel prompted to do so. I use Holy Water as an aid with my hands always thanking God for his continued love and support in my life.

Lessons of a Lifetime

2011-05-28T19:56:00.003-04:00

Somehow in the recesses of my thoughts a song poked through, called "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkston and I wondered if it wasn't because of me and my sinfulness that illness invaded my life. That song really touched me to aid me I suppose in seeing something about myself and old wounds that I thought were long forgiven and forgotten.

But on many occasions I do blame myself when things go wrong, not just with myself but with so much else as well. My inability to care for my finances because of my illness. My inability to care for myself or others at this time. I see why this song poked through when I feel so helpless and prayer, faith are all that I have to keep me going strong. It's not easy when you end up back in the hospital when things aren't healing as they should. These past few days have opened my eyes in many ways especially after coming back home on Saturday, May 28 after being there for a few days.

I had someone as a roomate who had just left a shelter, was in the hospital for some surgery. I saw how this person had all they owned with them in one large duffel bag. If I thought having to go back into the hospital and having another surgery was going to set me back even farther, I came to realize that many are even farther and worse off than I am. I wish I could fix the homelessness of people, the alcoholism and drug addiction that places them there. Yet, they too are taken care of in many ways.

God does take care of them in ways we may not see or know of. I know that she has faith and also a desire to be in a better place. I know that at some point in the future as I recover, that I too must leave my parents home and seek my own place in the world even if it low income housing. Swallowing pride and admitting my human failure at providing for myself and forgiving myself for falling behind to begin with when all went down hill. It's not an easy road that we are placed on at times, but that is when God wakes us up to our own shortcomings to awaken us to see why or how it came about. The need to trust others and not fear what we cannot take care of.

So at this time I continue to mend and hopefully will return to work within a few weeks and have the strength to get through the day without being overwhelmingly tired. With the belief that God will see me through this short period of time.

Wacky Days

2011-05-23T17:41:00.003-04:00

It's been a tough few weeks but each day gets a bit better. We are changing at work and I will be working on my days off this week which will make time even longer. Pray for me to keep up the strength as we begin to train for the new changes that we are undertaking.

It's also been a long week in another way as well. I related that my Aunt was ill and was going to be taken off life support, she was last weekend and now she finally passed away late this morning. My she rest in peace! If I thought I had it tough, my Uncle and cousin had it more so by sitting by her side day and night keeping her company even though she could not speak. Our prayers have been with them throughout the time for strength, peace and support.

I haven't thought much about any upcoming treatments as my thoughts have been with them as they should be. Just like our thoughts should be on God all the time. It seems as if there is sadness in the air these days, possibly due to the lack of sunshine and the constant drizzle and overcast skies. But even though it rains we still need it.

I have seen these past years the removal of trees to be used as fuel for a stove for a house up the street. I have watched a wooded area now become a field. One would think that by using wood as a resource for fuel they would plant more trees to grow as the area soon gets cleared, so that by the time they clear a whole area by then the other trees will have had time to grow to become new wood for another time but also to aid in keeping the air clean. I don't know why I thought about that today, but it seems that one of the resources people use they don't replace at all. One day there will be no more trees.

Word of God

2011-05-18T13:44:00.003-04:00

Had my doctors appointment Monday morning, where he not only took out some stitches, but put in more after cleaning out what was not healing. I have found myself more tender from that day than the last time he did it. I also found out that it may be possible to end up with having chemotherapy in a few weeks. It was a tough day when I went to work, between hurting and being a bit frightened of what is coming it was just too much. It wasn't a good 1st week back at all. The heat is tiring along with the uncertainty of finding myself on the outside rather than the inside.

I went back to Adoration for the first time yesterday as well. A wonderful hour, but I also found myself tired same as when I went to Mass this morning, my blood sugar was good but was very tired when I came home. I ended up sleeping for three hours. Those moments like that are not just at work as I have mentioned they occur doing minimal things. But I suppose it's to be expected that it will take time to heal.

I remember this morning at Mass I couldn't help recall those few times when the Eucharist came alive on my tongue. It was those moments of memory that came through to reinforce Jesus's presence in my life in those moments when he was so very alive. I will never forget how that felt or how wonderful it was to know that particular Grace was meant for me. These memories are what sustain me as I face these trials. Memories that I love to share and reveal to those who need to know that Jesus is very much alive in the Eucharist. It shouldn't take a trial in our lives to bring us closer to God to begin with. We should have that relationship as we have begun to grow up when we were learning as children, from our parents and teachers. Anyway, for me this morning was good in that regard. Because God is love in every sense of the Word. Even when we hear the Word of God.

Lillies

2011-05-16T06:37:00.003-04:00

I'm listening to Lillies of the Field by John Micheal Talbot at the moment, a refreshing song and one that soothes the spirit. I need that this morning considering my boss suggested instead of coming in for a short time to just go to my Doctors appointment and then come in. I'm thankful for that. But that means loss of time too. So this song helps me to realize and keep in mind that God takes care of everything.

Going through this trial has been a tough one, one about learning to let go and to stop being the one who can do it all. I drove myself hard on the workforce to prove myself worthy of working with my illnesses. But all I ended up doing was causing myself more stress and more harm to my bodies wellbeing. It's hard to find myself this way and to correct my flaws. But if I don't change then I cause my own downfall. I have prayed constantly for this change in myself and it seems to be happening in very strange ways, by illness to slow us down and make us see.

I have relied on myself all or most of my life and now have found myself at the point that there are times that I cannot do it alone. I find myself frightened about each day sometimes. How will it go and will I be able to get through the day without getting tired. I think I now know what the elderly feel at times, helpless in moments when they would like to accomplish maybe just making dinner and not having the strength to even do that.

I feel for the elderly and what they go through and how hard it is for so very many of them who struggle daily because they lack so much even in faith. I can only hope that faith will be a constant in my life and that God will continue to give me the strength I need to continue the path he set me on.

Life and Death

2011-05-15T05:57:00.002-04:00

It's been a strange few days, my brother ended back in the hospital, but was found okay after and overnight observation. That was good news. The other is not so good news, my aunt in Florida suffered with some issues herself and ended up on a respirator. Come to find out she had suffered a cardiac arrest and now will be taken off life support and placed on hospice due to no response from her at all.

We are all praying for her at this time, my mom is finding it very difficult not being able to go to Florida and be with her brother at this time of need. Between myself, my dad and her own issues makes it hard for her to leave. Plus my dad's only surviving sister has been diagnosed with bone cancer and is currently receiving chemo treatments. So much seems to be happening lately it boggles the mind. What other crosses are there for us to carry?

I know at work my cross is to deal with 78 degree temp in one room that has air conditioning but brings the temp up to suit someone who gets chilled and needs the room warm to keep them warm, so most of us suffer for one person. We have three fans running to help keep us cool and two of them are mine. I recently brought the second one in when I was told it was extremly hot in there. I ended up leaving 2 hours early yesterday because of not feeling well.

Anyway, no matter what is happening in our lives at this time we still keep our faith and smile and thank God for allowing us this time to be with each other. I know there will be a loss soon in our family. May God hold her in the palm of His hand at this time.

Back to Work

2011-05-13T20:44:00.002-04:00

Well this past Monday my last drain was taken out and that allowed me to be able to go back to work on Thursday. I nearly slept the whole day Tuesday from the exhaustion. Then on Wednesday I finally had a chance to hold my new great neice that was recently baptized. I had the first chance of meeting her on Easter morning, not the day she was baptized but when everyone came over for Easter breakfast because I was still recuperating. Well anyhow, she fell asleep in my arms, but after they left I was extremely tired and again slept the day away.

Going back to work on Thursday was the hardest day of all, going back to changes and none of them pleasant at this time. I often have wondered if they are seeking to have me leave by the deliberate issues that have come about, I can only pray that somehow I can get through this trial as best as possible because I am still healing physically while my emotional mind is on tenderhooks.

Thoughts of where would I go and what would I be able to do and then the thought of not getting the treatment needed causes more stress than I need at this time as the changes occur at work. I feel helpless, lost, alone and sometimes hopeless when people say they care and do the opposite. It just doesn't compute.

Sometimes these trials are very painful to handle and deal with, but then I turn to God and to Jesus and our Blessed Mother and St. Michael the Archangel for assistance to keep me safe in a time when I don't feel very safe nor secure.

One thing I have found that while I was home I was focusing more on faith, prayers and doing what I was called to do. I have enjoyed not rushing to do my morning and evening Liturgy of Hours these days. But what I enjoyed most of all is finally taking my lunch break when I have given so many of them up. But my Doctor advised me to take those breaks when needed to keep up my strength and also to allow rest of the mind and body. Why have I been so stupid to let them allow guilt trips to stop the lunch from happening in the first place. Maybe God will allow me to see the places that I need to change in myself to be a stronger person when it comes to dealing with those who are not always on the nice side of things on the workforce.

Sometimes I would love to see St Micheal appear at times and fight the battle and make them see the error of their way, but then I too must see my own error as well. Hopefully on this time back at work will find a better success at things and not just a nice person being used and abused but mutual respect. These are my thoughts that I write and I realize that I am at fault many a time for words that my have escaped my lips that would cause them to wonder what is going on with me. Yet I am told one must be crazy to work in our department. So maybe the whole world is and we need to sit back and let God in to bring us out of the haze of craziness. God I love you so much and if that makes me crazy then I am the biggest fool in love with someone that exists but cannot see and yet I do see him. I must be crazy then after all. Only God is my judge and defender. Lead me on the path that I will walk and hold his hand for a lifetime of happiness.

The Rainbow

2011-05-11T12:22:00.000-04:00

Now that I figured out how to get the picture out of the phone, here is the rainbow that we saw at dinner on Sunday, May 8, 2011.

Dinner Table Discussions

2011-05-08T17:00:00.003-04:00

How often at the dinner table does one hear of an admission of faith? For the majority not many, but then again behind household doors of families those things are not always revealed to others.

But since the time of my personal Eucharistic miracle I have found that revealing those moments of grace have brought a greater awareness of faith for myself and my family. In these past few months of illness regarding cancer, it has brought something amazing within my family. My parents and family, I'm sure have found themselves worried about how it all will play out, but I know their faith is strong.

It was raining around supper time yesterday, so while eating it was odd for me to declare while looking outside that there was going to be a rainbow. It just seemed as if the sun was going to shine, so I stepped outside and saw a faint rainbow directly in front of the house just above the tree line. When I came back in I told my parents to look out the window and then my mom stated she had asked for a rainbow as a sign that I would be alright. We all gave thanks to God for his love and especially for giving my mom her answer.

Since so much has gone on within my life with our Lords presence and with my parents faith as well it was a welcome sight to see because God is love in every sense of the word and I believe with all my heart that he gave my mom what she asked for out of his love for mankind as well as for our family. There are no doubts when God's love speaks so strongly in our lives.

Prayer Life

2011-05-05T18:33:00.002-04:00

What does one do on days when reading can be nearly impossible or focusing on ideas or whats going on in life? For me the answer is prayer. Not the routine prayers but soul deep prayers that speak with the heart. Having this time during recuperation gave me deeper moments of spending time with our Lord and Blessed Mother especially when I have been unable to drive myself or be out for very long periods without extreme tiredness.

Giving myself to their love and care has opened up so much about my faith with this trial I am undergoing. It's not easy to forget what has happened or what will happen next but I am sure that with God's love he will get me through it. Always remembering that it's not about me but about God and his love for mankind. His giving up his own son for our salvation keeps me forever in His debt even when mine is haywire but the price is worth it, that of following Jesus with all my heart, mind and soul and body. I am his and his alone.

Thankful

2011-04-30T13:55:00.004-04:00

I am thankful at this time for what life I have been given by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. For the blessing his Blessed Mother bestows on us. Recalling what our Lord went through for our freedom from sin, all I can do is sit and ponder the graces that were given when we are overcome with our own times of trial.

I realize it has been awhile since writing, but so has it been awhile to finally come around without much pain from the surgery. It has been a slow process but a thankful one. Time spent in a constant state of sleep. Recently that state has finally come down to more awake time. I am grateful at this time for the surgeons who did the surgery to be able to remove the cancer. Now afer this healing will be the next round of chemotherapy treatment. But if my beloved Jesus can go through so much for us, then I'm sure with his love and support I can get through this.

I have that is, I have this time to dwell on things I have come to see more and more that I love God with all that I have. The heavenly family has captured my heart so totally.

Back Home

2011-04-16T18:18:00.002-04:00

The surgery went well!! The surgeon did a fantastic job getting the thing out. The partial reconstuction went well also. I didn't go home the next day as planned, but ended staying another night, which was a good thing all around. It was hard to move the upper body as it was. So God has a way of delaying things with a fever. I thank him most of all for keeping me in cheerful spirits. When I had to go for a nuclear shot to mark the lymph nodes, I was so ticklish that I was laughing so hard. The staff appreciated that most of all. I was told at that point in the testing many patients are sad or worried. I have found that faith really does assist in how we see things. My family has been terrific with all of this as well. It's been a tough one for my mom and dad to be able to do things while I recover, but movement for me is good too in helping the healing process. My body does ache with the surgery and the prepping for a shift in body mass to replace the breast that was removed. Tomorrow is Palm Sunday, I don't even know if I will be able to go to mass or find something to wear to hide the three drains that I am now wearing so no one will know. I'm not to drive or to lift or move my arms to high for a while. When I saw Sandy at mass last Sunday she had said not to worry about mass. So if I am not able to be there in the physical I can at least partake while watching on the television. I know it is not the same but I'm sure that God does understand most of all considering it will only have been five days since the surgery not counting the day itself. All I can do is offer up my pain and sickness along with the suffering of Jesus at this time.

Finding Jesus in Others

2011-04-11T08:07:00.002-04:00

Odd thing happened yesterday afternoon, I spotted my parish priest on his way across a parking lot to go into a Funeral home as I was headed home. Then I had the grace to see him again at Mass where after mass he asked if I was going to be reading on Wednesday since my surgery was set for 9:45 and mass is at 7:30 am. But unfortunately I had to tell him no because I had to be there for 7 am so he prayed over me upon leaving the church. After mass my parents and I went to dinner and while sitting there waiting for our meal. I saw once again my parish priest with a parishioner go into the dinning room. Talk about having a threefold blessing!! God has a way of talking to us in various ways and it seems this was one of them. Kinda like saying die to self and the ways of the world and then at mass he is the life with the final part as a way of saying we partake of the meal that sustains us. In a good old fashion way like saying come and follow for he is the way, the truth and the life. Jesus is the best way to live life. Yesterday before entering I was pondering a problem when I met up with another parishioner as well, she and I hugged and her words about needing that because of her own troubles as well and being at church is where she finds comfort among the tribulations she is having. Without knowing it on both our parts, we both needed that hug to bring comfort and healing to sooth the turmoil that was going through our lives. Amazing how God places people in our path to bring comfort in those moments when we feel alone and in need of God's presence. Today is my last day at work for awhile, I don't know how long it will be before returning. I hope by the grace of God that all turns out well and the recovery will not be for long. Wednesday is the day I will find myself hopefully free of the dark spot in my body. Jesus I trust in you with all my heart!!

Pictures

2011-04-06T15:36:00.002-04:00

This is the Pilgrim statue of Our Lady of Fatima taken on Monday evening. Yesterday, Tuesday, April 5, 2011 was awesome to see a break in the rain to have a bit of brief sunlight. I was able to have a glimpse of a few bluebirds that were passing through. I think this is the second time I had that opportunity. I took this picture because everytime I go near the statue, it doesn't look the same as it did when it was dropped off. There was a beautiful smile upon her face with a darker red upon the lips. When I was looking at her yesterday, I couldn't help remarking that she looked so different. I love those God moments!! This one is a picture of the chest dresser my mom gave up for me to use in my old bedroom. I only had a small 4 drawer one in the basement. Anyway, this one was taken the week I had the vocation cross. I had also received a special gift from a friend with some Lourdes holy water, a prayer card and some information on a Shrine in St. Louis, Mo. The statue of Mary and Jesus belonged at one time to my paternal grandmother. The photo in the picture frame is the picture that survived the fire in the outdoor fireplace with only a smudge on the back of the picture. The only missing picture is the electric digital photo frame with the pictures of the many Eucharist images, a continuous reminder of the gift that was given to me.

Reflection

2011-04-06T07:35:00.003-04:00

Since I was basically published twice on the last post and finally able to delete one of them. I was attempting to write a reflection when I hit publish. So as a added here it is. This morning as I was doing the usual, getting the bird his food, a peppy song popped through. I love when this happens on occasion. It took me awhile to find the song because all I could recall was the tune and the words monkey business. The words produced some very strange songs, but upon reflection of the song something about jungle came in. Voila!! I found the song. I was delighted because there were words to the effect are you listening.

To me that meant the world, to know that God is so good. For someone else it may be senseless but for me I understand how God can speak to a soul that listens in various ways.

God is so Good

2011-04-06T06:31:00.000-04:00

Not Long

2011-04-02T19:27:00.003-04:00

It will not be long before I have the surgery. It's coming up by mid April. I'm not sure what I feel right now, my mind has been thinking about my parents and how they have done so much and how I see their own health not doing as well as I would have hoped for. Both of them seem to have their days of not feeling well. I guess at this time I should not worry about them, but that is a hard thing to not do. Last wednesday I returned our vocation Cross and now I received the pilgrim statue of Our Lady of Fatima for the next two weeks. I have been filled with so much peace and happiness lately and seem to see the divine in most everything these days. Just like having the pilgrim statue and at a most appropriate time. I will still have it when I go to surgery and when I get home the next day. Our Lady it seems is watching over me in quite a wonderful way. When Armand brought the statue over, it was amazing to see that beautiful smile on our Blessed Mothers face even though it was on a statue. I think Armand was delighted about it!Now, all I need is to take a picture as a wonderful reminder of this special time.

Eucharistic Miracles

2011-03-29T09:39:00.004-04:00

After I showed my Eucharistic pictures to Fr. Dorsch, he had asked me if I had read the book on Eucharistic Miracles. Sad to say at the time I had not. I had heard of the famous ones but that is all. After a brief period of time, I went to St. Anne's Shrine, Fiskdale, Ma to the gift shop to get a copy, but they didn't have one. Luckily the shop manager ordered a book. This book has enlightned me as to all the special gifts that God has done for a very long time and I 'm only half way through the book at this time. Even though mine is insignificant to the world, to me it is an immense personal gift of love from our Lord. One that gave me so much in the way of the Face of Jesus and so much more. Throughout the years I never once realized the depth of this gift nor the importance of it. Sometimes I still wonder why I was given such a grace to begin with. When I moved upstairs to my old bedroom, I brought with me some very special items of faith. A room that has become a sanctuary of sorts. As I have reflected on so much about life and how mine has evolved, faith has always been on the forefront. But since that moment of grace, the Eucharist became a big part of my life. Sad to say though, my moments in front of the Blessed Sacrament have been on the short side due to tiredness. When I spend those brief moments all my focus is on Jesus and the thankfullness of the cancer that is within me and the illnesses I have to keep me ever faithful. When I saw my Doctor for clearance for surgery he said it was okay to cry, I told him after finding out about my recent diagnosis I cried once and looked to heaven and asked why this too when I struggle so much already. Since that one time, I have not cried nor have I felt bad about it, oddly I have been at peace with it and continue to smile. I remember asking our Lord that if there were any black marks within my heart and soul to root them out or if my body had any imperfections or bad things growing to take them out. I see this as God's way of removing the gunk that seemed to have taken root. It is taking this stage in my life as a way to continually cleanse my heart and soul to keep my body in constant preparation for the indwelling of his Love. If I accidentally let something in that needs to be gotten rid off then I thank God for bringing me forward and bringing healing and grace.

Getting Closer

2011-03-24T05:39:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I had one of my Doctor's appointments to be cleared for surgery and that came out positive for the go ahead. Tomorrow will see the other one for clearance and the one for reconstruction and hopefully I will get the date for surgery as well. It's all moving so fast. I even went and took care of my dental as well for the possible upcoming chemotherapy after the surgery.

On the upside with faith I was able to take home for the week our Vocation Cross for vocations from my Parish. A delight to pray for vocations! I took a ride to the Divine Mercy Shrine in Stockbridge, Ma to see about getting an item for my boss at work. While there I took advantage of the moment and used the Sacrament of Reconciliation to cleanse my heart and soul. I was delighted by the falling snow when I came out of the Church. I love seeing that white stuff. Not everyone will agree with that sentiment because of the unending cold and work it places on people to clear it away. For me it is one of God's magnificent gifts to blanket the earth with purity.

This winter seemed to have flown by with all the snow storms keeping us busy. But it made for wonderful viewing of the surrounding areas. Much more enjoyable than the dreariness of brown. Yet, as I think on this I am always reminded of how we all complain about the seasons no matter which one it is. The complaint of too cold, too hot, too rainy, too much humidity and it seems there will always be something about the season's that we complain about. Maybe this Lent is a good time to find the good about the season's and the gift that God gave of the earth.

Old Room

2011-03-16T11:28:00.003-04:00

Jesus is my strength when my physical strength is at its minimal. Somehow, my mom and dad are given strength to carry on when their load is already over burdened. We somehow moved my bed out of the cellar and into my old room upstairs. Two people in their late 70's and myself somehow with little pauses along the way accomplished much.

They are sacrificing their privacy and their home for me as I journey on the path to wellness. I hope that is the proper word at this time. Because I have taken hit upon hit and not able to recover from the onslaught, my parents have shouldered much for my sake. I think Jesus does the very same thing, he would carry that cross time and time again for each one of us, to make sure that the road that we travel on is not that burdensome. To the point that he would die to save us. HIS love is that strong and great for us all. I know this personally because it was told to me on a night I will never ever forget hearing interiorly that voice that said the "Father would die for the daughter." A voice that was heavenly in nature and absolutely beautiful beyond compare.

No matter what is thrown my way in this world, the trials, the illnesses, the ups and downs, through it all is the constant reminder that He would die for me just so I could have life. What parent would go to the length for their child just as the one heavenly parent we have has truly done it and would do it over and over again and has done it for us. It is with hope that somehow the world will recognize such a gift that was given to them in time before it is too late.

Words to think on.

2011-03-13T20:08:00.006-04:00

I don't know if there is much on my thoughts that would affect having certain lyrics come through on two different mornings. But I had them again this morning and I'm not sure what to make of it. Something about Dr Zhivago and some other words. But I did locate the song to hear the whole thing. It's a song done from 98 degrees called "The Hardest Thing." As I write this I have tried to recall the exact words that played in my thoughts upon waking but all I had that really sticks out is the word Dr Zhivago. The song is the right one too. I wonder if that is the key about the whole thing. Maybe I should watch the movie or more or less pray for more discernment and guidance from the Holy Spirit. Anyway please enjoy the music.

Life Changes

2011-03-09T20:24:00.003-05:00

How to stay strong when life throws curve balls, prayer and more prayer and most of all trust in God and his beloved Son Jesus and along with that list is our Blessed Mother Mary. Keeping them uppermost in mind to keep faith burning and peace ever close to the heart. I am writing about this because in February I went for a yearly visit by the prompting of my doctor, which I am extremely grateful for. That visit when the results became available changed my life again.

It's not easy to find out that more testing was needed and then find from them that the inevitable happened. Breast Cancer! It's been a whirlwind since then as they put me on the fast track. Surgery is one of the perks! I had one night that I felt as if I was battling the devil himself from the disbelief, yet from that point on with constant prayer and amazingly a few consolations that came have brought such peace about the whole thing. I don't know why that being out of work for a while and undergoing surgery and then chemotherapy doesn't bother me at this time. I feel the weight of this burden placed upon my life as very light or perhaps the full power of it all has not completely set in as yet. After having under gone open heart surgery nearly nine years ago already this seems as if it is a minor hurdle on the path of life. Yet is it a very big hurdle. One that I am told that being positive and upbeat can make all the difference and that is how I feel at this time, Positive.

Having had a personal encounter with the Eucharist several years ago has also helped in keeping my mind and heart at ease. Even when there have been moments of struggle with doubt and questioning faith, no matter what seems to occur, I have found a deeper renewal of strength in God and HIS presence in my life. So as of this writing I am not worried about how it will all come about. He will take care of what needs to be done through those who will be his hands, his voice and his body. God bless.

Discipline

2011-02-07T06:03:00.003-05:00

This is probably one area I am totally not my best at, discipline. When it comes to diets, I try my best with good intentions, then I find myself slipping back into those bad habits that cause a bit of a problem. In todays world we find so many foods out there that taste so good, but for a diabetic the biggest one is the carbs in the foods. Need to count them to maintain good sugar levels.

I found myself on a high level yesterday at work, it caused a moment of extreme tiredness, the type of tiredness that one wants to go home, except mine was not the physical home I was thinking. Thankfully, that moment passed. So today I have come to the deepest conclusion that I lack discipline in my everyday life and that may also include the discipline in faith. The failure to keep a daily journal and write daily of my day. Prayers, though are a constant. In that regard I don't have an issue.

God has given me time on this earth for a reason and I hope that the time I am given I can do HIS will better than doing my own. So far I hope I am doing what is asked of me. I did have an opportunity to speak to others about what I have personally witnessed about the Eucharist. With a moment of showing them to others by means through another person using a projector to place the pictures on a big screen. I was even more awed by them then, than those who just saw them. They were amazing to see in such a big way. I felt like I was lite up when gazing at what was specially given for me to see. I thank God each day for having chosen to bless my life with such an amazing gift of HIS countenance. I love him so much!!!

Lord Help Me Jesus

2010-11-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

The words "Lord help me Jesus" were apparent the morning of Oct. 10, 2010. On tuesday I prayed over my brother laying hands on him for healing. I think in my own conscience of not using God's gifts that often came through in the song for me. I continue to pray for my brother who suffered far more than my parents or myself with his heart attack. I think at times such as this I have come to a greater realization that I need to do God's work and not be afraid about doing it. Praying over someone in need is a tremendous gift as well as offering prayers on a daily basis. Then I wondered if I managed to fail to use the gifts that God gives out of my own sense of unworthiness. Then I realize how much he truly loves me by what he provides. On that note it is also the same for the world.

I've grappled with so much lately that I felt I needed to step away, taking the time to breath and just be.

Changes

2010-10-29T06:01:00.002-04:00

Since writing has been not as fruitful as I hoped and has been sparse, I've decided to stop for a while. Faith is uppermost in my life with a spiritual talk looming on the horizon for my Domincan Laity family. Seeing changes at home and in my own life have put me on another level of finding my way with the Lord. Work has invaded time that has been pre-arranged for God and I see the wickedness of the action to cause disruption in faith. Three times have occured so far. Prayers are needed. It's not easy finding goodness in the world these days. I have come to see mockery as a way of life for people of faith and for people without faith. The constant belittling of their neighbors. I have grown accustomed to hearing this on every occasion at various places with different people. Prayers are needed strongly for the world. At this time as we near the Holiday Season of All Souls and Saints day along with Advent and coming Birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the time will be spent in deeper prayer for the conversion of hearts back to God and to his Son Jesus. God bless and keep you all safe. Until later. I shall return.

All About Love

2010-10-19T18:12:00.002-04:00

The last blog post of a song was quite a surprise for me, it took sometime for me to absorb the enormity of what was received. The past few weeks have been hard ones in the way of what has been occuring in my life. News received in the mail that has me searching for a second job to pay for possible unexpected issues. Questions I have been dealing with interiorly about the past, the present and the future. One of those had to do with words received these past few years among other things.

So after a day spent in community with my brothers and sisters in Christ that night I slept and woke to those awesome words. When I did hear the song and dwelled on the words in it, I knew I was given a special blessing in quite an answer to those silent questions that were weighing down my heart. It is also his way of letting me know he is never far away from me. He knows my heart and those moments of struggle. I love how God responds in such a simple fashion. He will always be the first in my heart. I have chosen HIM to be mine above all else.

David Gates - Bread - Goodbye Girl - Lyrics

2010-10-18T06:48:00.001-04:00

I woke to the words Goodbye Girl not knowing the reason for it. Then I heard the song and the words.

In the Stillness

2010-10-06T20:35:00.003-04:00

It's been quite hectic the past few days between work, Church and functions I have come to appreciate those moments of quiet time. I ended up going to Mass directly after work on Saturday, to find they moved the statue of Our Blessed Mother up front for the month long devotion. Mass was awesome as usual, the perfume was delightful as well. The scent stayed with me for the rest of the evening. I went to work on Sunday and it seems to have occured there too. None of my co workers had that particular scent and the one I had was no where near what I smelled. Which made my day!!

I stopped by another Church to pay a visit to one of the Pilgrim statues of Our Lady of Fatima that was there for the weekend on Sunday. I didn't have my camera so I left and went home and went back. Talk about quiet, I was afraid to make any noise with the camera. The picture I did manage to take didn't come out too well. I think more than anything it was the fact that being in the Church, along with the Blessed Sacrament being up there as well made it seem as if taboo to take a picture. Like following those who were doing it as well.

I sat and gazed upon our Blessed Mother and her most beautiful Son up there sharing the moment together. I wanted to be still, to give them my utmost attention. But more than anything I didn't want to disturb those who also came to gaze upon and share in the the Divine Presence of Jesus. They too, sat in the stillness of the day to pay their respects to the Blessed Mother and that of her most prescious Son. What an awesome day that was, to witness the faith first hand in my awkward moment. God is so good.

Following the Path

2010-09-30T06:55:00.003-04:00

There always comes a time and a place that will bring to mind a decision on which path to take. For many it may be a career decision or school choice. For others it may be nothing at all but the decision on how to live their life. Even those who choose to marry make a decision on committing themselves to one person for the rest of their life, a topic that was mentioned at scripture sharing, shows the choice to follow a way of life with the one person they united with.

We detour at times along the way, not always making the right decisions. The many struggles that occur when we are not on the path that we are meant to be on. I have discovered this for myself throughout the years when I didn't follow my faith as best as I should have. Even following the path to follow Jesus is a choice we make. It is a daily choice, correction, it is a minute by minute choice in each of our lives to live consciously to follow Jesus.

It's way too easy at any time during the day in any given minute to choose to stop following the path of life, which is faith in God. It is so easy to stop whatever we wish at any given minute what we choose to stop, but the choice to follow Jesus and love God above all is the hardest path of all. Even the commandments that were laid down for us to follow are often difficult. Yet Jesus showed us the way to accomplish it with ease, but then again it is the choices we make on whether or not we will love our neighbor as ourselves or not. Many choose the path not to, so there is much strife in the world because they chose their own path, the path of destruction.

Will any of us at one time be all together on the same path? I wonder if this one question can ever be answered.

Happenings

2010-09-26T06:02:00.002-04:00

My sincere apologies for no posts lately. There has been a bit of a scare recently with my personal health. After all the tests that were done, they came back negative for any possible heart issues. Thankfully that's a good thing!! And to think I was praying for a resolution to conquer my financial delays and here comes another added bonus to top off what is already owed from before. It's hard to catch up when you don't have much to go on. Prayers are needed to keep up the strength to continue managing the unmanageable or the impossible. That all that I ask for at this time is prayers and more prayers.

It has been quite the trial lately and I have found faith has kept me strong. Focusing on the module that I need to do and thoughts of what I am to write for a talk has kept my mind focused on our Lord. But then again Jesus is the main focus of my thoughts to begin with. What better place can the thoughts be, but on the best treasure of all, that of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. The best source of life if you ask me. Let me not forget to include our dear Blessed Mother who has a huge role in all our lives as well as an intercessor for her Son. I love them all!!!! So begins another day. God bless!

Turning the Page

2010-09-17T07:39:00.002-04:00

Lately there has been an odd experience happening when I read, whether it is in the way of a physical book or online pages, it is the sense of an old page about to be turned or the rustling of many pages. Never once thinking why this is happening or making note of the particular reading, except this morning I was reading online about an article and it happened again.

This time I am writing about it to make note of it as an aid to understand the purpose of why it occured. I wondered this morning if it was God's way of letting me know that another page in my life has turned or possibly the world itself has turned a page. The first time I had the sense of rustling old pages was when I was at Chapel during Adoration and turning pages in the Bible. This was my own personal Bible, yet the sense was real at the time and how can it be explained how the book felt ancient in my hands. That through the years many pages have been turned. I wonder today if there was a significance to that occurance and to what I had read today that brought the sense of pages being turned. The article I was reading can be found here. Only God knows the reason why the sensation occured and the purpose for it. A moment that I need to discern and maybe others as well.

Ever So Softly

2010-09-09T20:09:00.002-04:00

Last night I believe I learned more after Scripture sharing than I have learned in quite awhile. Totally expecting to go home right after, but found myself in an hour long conversation with Keith. I learned much about his faith and how he came to be where he is in it, that is learning about Theology. He more or less opened my eyes to many things. I am grateful in many ways for the opportunity to have the time given to me in this way.

It's the discovery about seeing things in a different way in a new approach to what I've been dealing with lately. A tremendous blessing!! I went home lighthearted and with a renewed purpose about the gifts of the Holy Spirit. So today, after work I stopped by the Chapel to offer my gratitude, my prayers for vocations, and for those whom I offered to pray for, I approached prayer in a different way and perspective. As I gazed upon the Blessed Sacrament that is Jesus our Lord, in the tiniest imaginable way a song was faintly heard. I knew at once it was from the artist Robert Kochis, yet the melody of the song was faintly familiar, but the song was unknown. It matters not at this time as at the time it occured my heart rejoiced for the love that was given at the time. The smile that spread upon my face spoke loudly of the grace that was poured out upon my heart. It just might be that I may never know what song it was just the fact that I received what was meant to receive or relayed to have a better understanding.

I am not ashamed to relay this wonderful moment, I don't question it, only if it was something truly far off and unusual in the way it was given. The part of the discernment as always comes with moments such as this. But our Lord does speak ever so quietly and if my thoughts were full of others stuff I would not have heard what he wanted me to hear in the very depths of my heart.