June 27, 2011

Lost and Found

I feel lost at this moment with conflicting feelings flowing thru me about many things. How when working for one company things went smoothly regarding insurance and short term disability, but with this company I work for I have found more problems and bills than I can afford. I realize this is my trial and no one elses burden but mine. I have looked back in time from two different jobs and now, and see how pitiful this time period is. I often wonder where God is at these moments when I can't comprehend or fathom why it hurts so much to be at such a low level in life.

I want to be found and somehow come out okay when the tears won't go away. When I see the doctors office staff stand around and look at you as if you had a third head instead of one when asking about going back to work. I was told to wait and see what the oncology dept wants to do regarding the next step, more or less they would be the ones to give the consent to go back to work since they requested the port a cath placed. Then I get in the mail today a paper stating they will close my short term claim tomorrow if they do not receive such and such by then. Considering this request was put in writing on friday and mailed. It's asking for a miracle to be done on very short notice.

Please somebody find me before I get even more lost in this world that we live in. No wonder the world has gone so far off the beaten path, it's awful. The insurance doesn't cover everything and the bills are rolling in faster than I can walk and I'm trying to handle it all with no personal support from a spouse that I don't have other than two elderly parents who are the one's I turn to the most when I find myself upset because I try to understand and find it difficult to fathom how those who have nothing and no one can even manage to survive. I think that is why there is much sadness in the world today because there is so much poverty out there and if you don't know anyone don't expect any help whatsoever.

I'm recalling the last Priest I spoke with and the words he said to me about the Psalms and right now I feel like a lamentation, because I am pouring out my heart and soul, my sorrow and grief, my worry and my plight all for what other than getting it off my chest in hopes that God will ease my burden and stop the anguish that is creeping over me. A time in a day when nothing seems to feel right and the future looks dismal rather than blessed.

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