May 28, 2011

Lessons of a Lifetime

Somehow in the recesses of my thoughts a song poked through, called "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkston and I wondered if it wasn't because of me and my sinfulness that illness invaded my life. That song really touched me to aid me I suppose in seeing something about myself and old wounds that I thought were long forgiven and forgotten.

But on many occasions I do blame myself when things go wrong, not just with myself but with so much else as well. My inability to care for my finances because of my illness. My inability to care for myself or others at this time. I see why this song poked through when I feel so helpless and prayer, faith are all that I have to keep me going strong. It's not easy when you end up back in the hospital when things aren't healing as they should. These past few days have opened my eyes in many ways especially after coming back home on Saturday, May 28 after being there for a few days.

I had someone as a roomate who had just left a shelter, was in the hospital for some surgery. I saw how this person had all they owned with them in one large duffel bag. If I thought having to go back into the hospital and having another surgery was going to set me back even farther, I came to realize that many are even farther and worse off than I am. I wish I could fix the homelessness of people, the alcoholism and drug addiction that places them there. Yet, they too are taken care of in many ways.

God does take care of them in ways we may not see or know of. I know that she has faith and also a desire to be in a better place. I know that at some point in the future as I recover, that I too must leave my parents home and seek my own place in the world even if it low income housing. Swallowing pride and admitting my human failure at providing for myself and forgiving myself for falling behind to begin with when all went down hill. It's not an easy road that we are placed on at times, but that is when God wakes us up to our own shortcomings to awaken us to see why or how it came about. The need to trust others and not fear what we cannot take care of.

So at this time I continue to mend and hopefully will return to work within a few weeks and have the strength to get through the day without being overwhelmingly tired. With the belief that God will see me through this short period of time.

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