Forever

It took sometime but I did it. I went around and took close ups of flowers. Some of the veggie garden and others around my parents home. I'm grateful to be able to live here for however long God allows and that of also my family' grace. One thing for certain, there is nothing to give up going the route of the religious life. I don't have a home to sell, nor do I have anything of value. I suppose that's a plus in it all. Even though I don't have this, I still have a school bill to take care of, car and a few that have been put aside when no income was there. I'm not complaining nor do I ask for anyone's help. I am the sole owner of what I have to take care of no one else. It has always been my belief that if we make a debt it's ours to fix and pay up. At times I did mention the dire circumtances and I do apologize for it. More than anything I wanted to give my parents and brother the credit due them for their help when I needed it most. I think I used the blog writing as a way of venting my frustation during those times also when I felt totally overwhelmed and strove to stay positive when changes occured in my life.

How is it possible for others to understand the let down a person feels when they loose a job and from there nothing seems to go right, except the blessings of God. I had found during that period in my life, a time that I did feel abandoned and alone from others. I'm writing about it now because there are others who are suffering far worse because they don't have what I had to help keep me strong. Faith, hope and love. A combination that brings a person through many a storm. Sometimes we have to suffer in ways to help purify our hearts especially when we place so much on relying what the world offers. When it all boils down to God's grace and mercy for each of us. No matter how uniquely I was touched or given a special grace to know him, it still didn't change the fact that it was something very special. I know many receive special blessings and consolations in their lives that speak loudly of his love for them and they accept it so beautifully. It's in this that I fought the battle of evil the most, a battle that tore through me so much in the way of not believing that I could be forgiven, when many spout off how adulterers are condemned. That always broke my heart. It made believing in seeing Him in the Eucharist even harder. Because evil tried to conquer what it knew it couldn't, my heart and my soul. Because my heart and soul had already belonged to God for a very long time.

I remember a night when I was a young girl and laying in bed, I happened to look at the wall and saw this huge face. I wasn't scared when I saw it. I remember it lasted quite a long time. The face was the same as the face I saw when I looked through the binoculars at the Eucharist one early morning. This face never left me throughout life, it is odd that I can see it clearly as if it happened just yesterday. For some reason during moments in my life, this would come to mind. I never understood it until now the significance but I most definitely am singing a happy song and the Wedding Dance is playing too at the moment, I love it. Sometimes memories reveal something we had long held back, for me it was the fact that God has always been there beside me even during the times I failed to own up to his commandments. Mon Dieu, Je t'aime pour toujours. "My God, I love you for always."