Darkest Hour

I've had a very dark and stormy period in the last few weeks. I began to question where God was in my darkest night. It seemed as if when I went in search of the religious life, all heck broke loose in mine. The darkness of despair drew tight the other day, but I also found a glimmer of light in a moment of hopelessness. It was knowing that I wanted life and not death. In order to understand that, one has to go to the very edges of the abyss and find nothing at all worth finding. It was the enlightenment of missing out on life and all that it has to offer that spoke volumes. It was the moment I reached out my hand to God to pull me back from the darkest night of my life.

That wasn't the end either of the darkness of the soul, next came the total unbelief of all that was of creation. When I was at work yesterday and told not to come in today so it would be fair to the others, I questioned that in my thoughts. I was already off on Monday and there were others who were working. I began to see the withdrawal of some that are permanent workers that clued me in that my time there was coming close to ending. Even when a worker said that I was liked, I had a hard time with it. These dark moments are not easy. When I left I questioned so much and I fought the battle of my life. I didn't want to go back to the Chapel because I felt God failed me, never once seeing the hope I was given. After supper I went to go and pay a bill, which I ended up not doing because I did end up at the Chapel. I went through so much prior to the visit that when I prayed it was with at least some hope. I did not take my eyes off of the Blessed Sacrament except once or twice. I prayed for the removal of fear, the removal of so much that creates the darkness of the soul, from the evil that clouded the light of God. The torture from drawing closer to my destination.

But something truly extraordinary came about as I said the Glory be to the Father repeatedly, it was the small interior voice singing Hosanna and I knew God was with me in that moment giving back the light that shines. I left the Chapel in a better frame of mind than before I got there. But he didn't fail me, it was me who failed me in the hour of agony when I questioned it all. God doesn't abandon us, it's we who abandon ourselves when we find our darkest hour.