January 20, 2008

My Beloved, God of My Heart

Tonight at Chapel I had a brief recall of a moment when I heard a few words in passing and failed to say anything to that person or even to say thoughtfully "Speak, Lord for your servant is listening." The tears that flowed from that moment were so strong when I understood that those were the very words I should have said in thought that night. For it was a moment when our Lord sought to speak with me and all I could think was, yes, I want to speak with you too. The question posed to me that evening was, I need to speak to you. My thought wasn't about the words from the gospel that evening but answering just as plainly as we speak these days. Not of long ago. Those brief interior questions had me wondering where they came from or for that matter were they real.

Yet tonight while I gazed upon you in the Blessed Sacrament this recall came back to mind when I had just prayed for my direction in vocation and the tears that came were something else. It was such an outpouring and I was also reminded of a time when I cried this way for no reason while I was in front of you, there in the Monstrance. Oh God, my soul cries the tears that would not stop, not until the last vestiges of thoughtful recall were ended.

Once they had gone I resumed my prayers and from those moments I brought back the thought but the tears were not there with it and the moment that I was to understand I was at peace. You gave me strength and you let me know I was needed at that moment. The clarity, it was something good. And to think I received again the gift of tears from you my Beloved. That alone brings joy to my heart. I have always loved you ever since the day I was conceived. You have kept me for your own and I for one am deeply grateful that you have kept my heart safe. And that word too has come to mind a few times out of the blue and now I know how true they were.

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