God is Beautiful

I thank my wonderful Spiritual Director for her care in helping me to know a difference in how to forgive myself the right way. Not that I didn't do it right before, but it took me a very long time to let it go, so I wasn't letting the proper order to come about. The tears that were there when I was with her was at the brink of spilling over at times. It wasn't until later when I understood something significant.

Everything that seemed to have happened in the past day or two all had a part in what I began to learn. Was it easy to understand, not really. But when I looked at it in different light I saw something unique in it. I knew about it but failed to recognize the source. We often have blinders on for a reason, until God is ready for us to see what he wants for us to see.

In the case of the bees it may be the same. I took apart a huge section of the ceiling to find nothing. So when I asked could he please show me where they are coming from, believe me I saw the area and no nest. You could say they coming out of thin air at this point. There is a small section with some insulation that we have not moved but I have not seen the bees there. So little by little they come as I watch the area they come from and still have no clue as to the origins.

This has to be funny in a way, I keep thinking of the land with milk and honey. I drink milk but not use honey but I definitely have the bees. Somewhere He is having a day of it and trying to point out something for me to understand or either that and nature is taking over for sure.

Out of my conversation with Sister yesterday I oofed and said hell, sorry Sister for that one, should not swear by heaven or hell. And she said it was okay to pray for myself which by the way I do have a hard time doing. I can talk on and off all day long with him, but fail to ask for help other than health issues to keep me safe. Everything else I have a real hard time asking for. So I guess it is okay to pray for financial help and for a request for help to find a job and ask for him to take this huge burden I'm carrying from my shoulders, and it's huge too. Next month I go to court because I can't pay a bill. But we did have a great conversation about all this and she helped me see things in a different way. I think yesterday I had one of those days when I truly wanted to whine and I did a little. I was sorry I did though, it gets tough when things seem to come to a head. School is finished, paperwork needs doing, job needs finding loans need repaying bees need to be removed and so on and so on. Life is great God is beautiful and I love him so very much for giving me the strength to to conquer each day and smile. And I know this is personal but you know something I'm human and I hurt and I cannot be expected to hold this all the time within and on my shoulders. I'm just one person who tries to give it all to God to shoulder it too. Isn't that what he says about the yoke.