October 13, 2006

A change

Is it possible to Praise God and be devastated all at once. Is it possible to lay bare a heart at his feet in suplication. There have always been times when I have had the deepest regrets for any actions on my part. That includes dealings with family and life in general. For my own part in not doing God's will when I am weak. When I hurt because life deals another blow. I am numb. I kinda knew I would not be hired, but to see it in writing and a falsehood on top of it, did not help matters. I found out companies use people like this to have help without paying for it. I did my best to achieve all that is possible to learn and continue to learn. Now I am on the end of mending again.

It is in these times that I wonder where am I, Dear God. I'm sorry for my sorrow, I didn't deal very well with this. Nor did I deal with coming home to a freshly sprayed room with bug spray, where I would have consoled myself without being seen or burdening anyone. I slept in my car last night the fumes were awful. Now I understand how it feels for those who have no roof over their head at night.Then I wonder what next. But I found that one out when began to empty my life of material posessions. One by one I took my past and threw it away. I burned every tiny bit of sentiment and placed it on the fire. What I had from childhood is now gone. What was saved and stored is forever gone.

I have found that I kept holding onto things that have no meaning any longer. I don't recall why I kept certain things or why. It was time to remove them. Now the walls are bare, the closet empty of storage. It's like looking into a heart and finding nothing there. What I stored in my heart as a treasure is gone. I swept it clean of dust and grime. I have been preparing for the next phase of my life. And I pray with all my heart that God will find his home pleasing to him.

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