June 28, 2006

While I was reading the Gospel passage for today, I thought about the beginning, when the most powerful thing could happen in a persons life. And everything that followed. I couldn't help but think that I was being put to the fire for not being fruitful. Why did I think that, I hurt him so much with my own destruction. But I had prayed all through the years that my job would be protected, and then it was eliminated. Believe me I was at odds with what was being asked of me, and that of life itself. I believed God came for me, but me in my sorrow of sin, had a hard time believing. I felt I was literally having my life ripped apart at the very seams. This is the hardest thing to put into words without tears escaping my eyes. I sinned and it's not a secret, but it was the sadness and shame I always had with me for even going against the one who loves me the most. Do I wonder if I was cut off and thrown to the fire, oh yes. And then I remember how I love people so much, and how I go out of my way to be kind to them. It was my lack of faithfulness that killed me, and no matter what people will think, I talked to God everyday, no matter what time it was. I have the deepest sorrow within my heart for not being God's perfect love. But I can always hope that his hand will always touch me with a gentle love, as a Father loves their child. Do I love him, you bet. Do I adore him, oh yes with all my heart. God is beautiful, his love is generous, for he allowed me to live. Je t'aime mon amour.
Do I understand this better now, than I did before, yeah. Because I have grown in his spirit, in his sweet and precious love.

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